MY birthday / HIS mother

Tell him it’s just the 2 of you on your birthday. Bite the bullet and book somewhere nice yourself (for 2). Tell him he can arrange something for the 3 of you next week and you can make a fuss of his mum so she feels special

I never understand why some adult MNers want to make such a big deal of their birthdays.

Not inviting his mum to his own birthday but expectng to bring her to yours - FGS.

Has she maybe expressed a particular interest in wanting to celebrate your birthday wth you?

He hasn't spun this round for a minute has he, and thought how he would like ringing round places for his own birthday and for your mum to come along to that!

Tell him that your birthday treat is a long, brisk countryside walk with lunch at a fabulous gastropub en-route. Is MIL still coming?

Could you turn this into ‘his’ birthday meal or lunch, and insist you and he do something for your birthday lunch? I’d also insist he ring round instead of you!

Of course DH should have booked lunch or made some plans for your birthday. As a long time married he must know that is of importance to you.
However, in general, I think a good indication of how you will be treated by your DH is shown by the way they care for other female family members.
On this occasion I would make it clear you expect more effort from him and suggest he gets his finger out now, and books an amazing anniversary or New Year treat for you both.

That happens when you’re 90, you tend to need more help.

Why do you state that his mother is more important than his wife? That is so wrong! When I got married, although my husband was close to his mother, I always came first and I would have been disappointed and hurt had that not been the case.
It’s said that any woman, meeting her boyfriend’s mother for the first time, can tell a lot about how he would treat a wife by the way he treats his mum. In my experience (with friends etc) that seems to be true.

She could’ve tagged along for the DH last week, but he didn’t do anything to tag along.

OP didn’t organise anything and vice versa he’s not organised anything for her.

the more replies i read the more i think theres a back story we don't know.. the OP has refused to go to sunday lunch anymore now the kids are grown? she feels her DH is a 'dutiful son"? she never organised anything for DH's birthday but is annoyed that he's done nothing for hers?

if MIL is in her 90's, thats got to be putting the OP and her DH say maybe 60/70 ish?

sounds like this marriage is pretty much at an end, you've outgrown each other, time to move on.

It's your birthday and if having his mother there is a big deal to you then that's fair enough. Some people like their birthdays a certain way, doesn't make anyone right or wrong, but if he knows it's your preference he should respect that.

You do sound a bit mean though, surrounding the general help he gives his 90 yr old mother.

Go out with a friend.

I'm already anticipating the thread in a few months' time about how the 'dutiful son' has now realised his mum is unable to manage living independently anymore, but expects OP to do the care for her as he hasn't got around to arranging it and is too busy

Say actually 'it doesnt matter, im going out with (insert friends name) and you can sort taking your mother out'

I agree with PPs, don't book the restaurant. It's not your job as birthday person. He needs to step and do this job.

Tell them you wouldnt want to ruin their plans so you'll go out shopping or something alone - then have an afternoon of doing whatever you want.

I personally would have just refused.

If he wanted to take you/your mum out then he can find somewhere.

I can’t see how you’re going to enjoy yourself as much, when you’re the one who has done all of the work.

I’d rather not doing anything at all than be the only one making the effort.

I had actually suggested that we could go away for the weekend and he only told me we wouldn't be going away last Wednesday.

Who made him the boss? TOLD you??? (Because he 'needed' to visit his mother?)

don’t book a restaurant. You can legitimately say ‘ I tried xy and z place and they are all booked. Then leave a silence. Let him solve the problem. ( clue, he won’t).

next year choose with whom and where you want to have your own birthday and organise it yourself. Let him do the same for his own.

Look. She could have tagged along for his birthday, a mere few days ago. She's going to have a Sunday lunch with him next week, as usual.

It's absolutely not unreasonable for OP to want her husband to make time for her on her birthday.

I can tell you right now that I won't be expecting to tag along to absolutely everything when I'm 90. And if I do, I'd like my son or daughter to say it straight to me - gently but firmly - that no, this time it's not about you but I'll see you tomorrow/in a few days/on Sunday.

I’m genuinely surprised so many responses are “don’t you like her”/“oh but she’s elderly” when there are regularly posts about horrible MIL on here.
If I’m reading this right, he goes to hers for lunch every Sunday (without OP) and spends a significant amount of time running around after her. Elderly people are not all doddering and helpless - some are calculating and controlling and I’m wondering if she’s had these tendencies throughout the marriage so OP has just had enough.
So you’d wanted to go away for the weekend and discussed this but he didn’t bother organising it - was that an oversight on his part or deliberate because “but mum needs me to xyz…”?
Don’t book for 3. Your DH is being a twat and you’re not being a witch for wanting the day to yourself. I’d be sorely tempted to tell him to go to his mothers for lunch as usual and to go somewhere by myself.

I would suggest you tell him outright that lunch with his mother does not count as your birthday gift. Then, do whatever you want for your birthday on a different day.

There are many days in the year, many of which are inconvenient for special occasions, such as school days. Shifting your celebration to a different day doesn't have to ruin it. I think it's easier for you to consider your birthday as falling on a school day (this year) than cancel on a very elderly person this late before an outing. However, it is entirely your husband's fault - whether deliberate or accidental.

She's 90 you say?

Blimey I hope no-one is begrudging me tagging along for lunch if I reach that age.

I think I'm going to start shouting on all these hourly threads...

BEING SINGLE IS REALLY REALLY LOVELY

So so many women, just seemingly by default, seem to accept any old thoughtless, lazy, sexist male, rather than realising they'd be far happier without them.

Where did I go for my birthday? Out with 5 of my favourite people, and we had a blast.