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AIBU?

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Original poster

MY birthday / HIS mother

190 replies

CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 09:06

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that not only do I have to ring around to find somewhere nice for lunch for my birthday tomorrow, but I have to book for THREE?
I appreciate that his mother is an elderly widow, but he could have taken her out on HIS birthday (which was last Thursday) and I suggested it sufficiently far in advance for him to organise it, but he didn't get his ducks in a row and now he insists she tags along with us on my birthday : I am not a happy bunny!

OP posts:
secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 14:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Overtheatlantic · 05/10/2024 14:44

Unless there’s a massive back story I would show some grace towards both of them.

Mamabobogo · 05/10/2024 14:41

CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 14:05

Update : I rang round and eventually found a table for three at somewhere DH had suggested that is rather more upmarket than we'd usually go to.
Then he came home and said that his mum didn't feel well enough to go out with us, so he rang a friend of mine to invite her, but she's not available........ not sure if he's told the restaurant there'll only be two of us.
Thanks to the posters who reassured me that it's not unreasonable to want to spend quality time with my life partner on my birthday : his birthday was during the week and after he turned down my attempts to arrange a lunch meal with his Mum that day (he said he'd got too much work), we went out in the evening, wthout his Mum as she goes to bed early.

He’s keen not to spend time alone with you, isn’t he.

id be questioning that.

StormingNorman · 05/10/2024 14:21

Hoardasurass · 05/10/2024 09:11

Tell him she's not invited and only book for 2.
Also don't do anything for his birthday make him organise his own just as you have to organise your own

She didn’t do anything g for his birthday. It’s in the OP. There was no dinner because He didn’t organise anything.

PsychoHotSauce · 05/10/2024 14:19

Then he came home and said that his mum didn't feel well enough to go out with us, so he rang a friend of mine to invite her, but she's not available........

I'm sorry but why was his first thought to invite ANOTHER person?

GingerPirate · 05/10/2024 14:10

Priorities, eh?
Do something by yourself.
Preferably your whole life 😁

Original poster
CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 14:05

Update : I rang round and eventually found a table for three at somewhere DH had suggested that is rather more upmarket than we'd usually go to.
Then he came home and said that his mum didn't feel well enough to go out with us, so he rang a friend of mine to invite her, but she's not available........ not sure if he's told the restaurant there'll only be two of us.
Thanks to the posters who reassured me that it's not unreasonable to want to spend quality time with my life partner on my birthday : his birthday was during the week and after he turned down my attempts to arrange a lunch meal with his Mum that day (he said he'd got too much work), we went out in the evening, wthout his Mum as she goes to bed early.

OP posts:
Mountainpika · 05/10/2024 13:56

We brought up two sons. One married with children, the other with his partner. As far as we're concerned, each son's first responsibility is to his own family/partner, not to us.

AmeliaEarache · 05/10/2024 13:41

You don't demote your parent for someone else you've become close to. Equal yes but the parent shouldn't get shoved down the priority list.

Yes, you do. Obviously.

You know all those marriage vows and stuff? Choosing to spend your entire life with one person and forsaking all others? Your spouse isn't 'someone you'e become close to', you loon, it's your life partner.

You love your parents. You grow up, move out, make a life for yourself, maybe have children of your own. You still love your parents by they are no longer the primary people in your life.

If I am the most important person in my adult children's lives, I will have fucked something up along the way.

Doesn't mean I don't love my Mum and Dad.

OP, bollocks to the lot of it. Buy champagne, buy a luxurious dessert, tell DH you fancy a takeaway in the evening instead.

SignInMode · 05/10/2024 13:26

I have the feeling OP's dh does not want to spend an evening out with her alone, let alone a weekend away. What is he avoiding?

Tink3rbell30 · 05/10/2024 13:20

thepariscrimefiles · 05/10/2024 13:11

It doesn't sound as though the OP gets on with her MIL. As it is the OP's birthday, it should be her decision who is invited, not her DH.

Show quote history

She just sounds bitter towards the lady, she hasn't given any reason when asked about not getting on with her etc. Her replies about her sound like she'd rather she wasn't around.

ManchesterLu · 05/10/2024 13:17

Just don't go out at all. Say you'd rather a nice peaceful day at home, and tell him to go with his mum.

Tink3rbell30 · 05/10/2024 13:17

Ilikeadrink14 · 05/10/2024 12:36

Why do you state that his mother is more important than his wife? That is so wrong! When I got married, although my husband was close to his mother, I always came first and I would have been disappointed and hurt had that not been the case.
It’s said that any woman, meeting her boyfriend’s mother for the first time, can tell a lot about how he would treat a wife by the way he treats his mum. In my experience (with friends etc) that seems to be true.

Show quote history

It's not wrong. She does come first, why would you be more important than the woman that brought him up all of his life? You don't demote your parent for someone else you've become close to. Equal yes but the parent shouldn't get shoved down the priority list.

Lemonadeand · 05/10/2024 13:13

Turnups · 05/10/2024 12:46

I never understand why some adult MNers want to make such a big deal of their birthdays.

It’s just going out for lunch? It’s hardly a city break to Venice.

Marblesbackagain · 05/10/2024 13:13

YABU because no you don't have to ring around include others. It's in your control. YABU to not say that's not going to work for me.

RedToothBrush · 05/10/2024 13:13

Does he have a problem with his hands and eyes that prevents him from using google and booking somewhere online?

Unless he does, i would refuse to do it. Why should you?

thepariscrimefiles · 05/10/2024 13:11

Tink3rbell30 · 05/10/2024 11:12

Your replies are horrible, I can't see any reason for you to dislike this elderly lady. The way you comment about her is awful. She was there before you and will always be more important than you. It's just a birthday, she might not even be around for that much longer.

It doesn't sound as though the OP gets on with her MIL. As it is the OP's birthday, it should be her decision who is invited, not her DH.

Commonsense22 · 05/10/2024 13:04

I don't understand why you don't just let him go to his mum's as usual and book a restaurant for two on a week day.

YeahNoIDontThinkSo · 05/10/2024 12:54

@CoffeenWalnut I hope you find something lovely to do for your birthday. Don't arrange for a meal out. Do something else - just you, or maybe with a friend.

SleepyTerrier · 05/10/2024 12:53

This reply has been withdrawn

Post withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Mmhmmn · 05/10/2024 12:52

Also some people spend the rest of the year seeing to everyone else and would like a bit of a special day for their birthday, which seems fair enough. It shouldn't be that difficult to book a restaurant but it seems to totally defeat some men.

wheniwinthelottery · 05/10/2024 12:52

@thursdaymurderclub

What is horrible about wanting to go out on her birthday without MIL, when her DH didn't take his mother out on his own birthday?

pikkumyy77 · 05/10/2024 12:52

Ignore the haters, OP. My parents are in their 90’s and my dh and I help them a lot—in fact every Sunday among other things—but we also manage to go away for the weekend or celebrate our birthdays just the two of us.

Just have this conversation seriously with your dh. Tell him you both need time unwinding and being together without work and family. Book the two of you a birthday holiday as soon as you can and go,go,go!

YeahNoIDontThinkSo · 05/10/2024 12:51

Turnups · 05/10/2024 12:46

I never understand why some adult MNers want to make such a big deal of their birthdays.

Because - surprise, surprise - people are different and plenty of people like to mark their birthdays. It's not really 'making a big deal' to go out for dinner is it. 🙄🙄

I don't care much about birthdays at all but OP would like to be treated to something special by her husband on the day, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Mmhmmn · 05/10/2024 12:49

Turnups · 05/10/2024 12:46

I never understand why some adult MNers want to make such a big deal of their birthdays.

I think it's more that some peoples' male partners show such lack of effort or consideration that it unexpectedly makes it more of a thing than it had to be.

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