Page 2 | MY birthday / HIS mother

CoffeenWalnut · 2024-10-05T08:06:13+00:00

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that not only do I have to ring around to find somewhere nice for lunch for my birthday tomorrow, but I have to book for THREE? I appreciate that his mother is an elderly widow, but he could have taken her out on HIS birthday (which was last Thursday) and I suggested it sufficiently far in advance for him to organise it, but he didn't get his ducks in a row and now he insists she tags along with us on my birthday : I am not a happy bunny!

cuddlebear · 06/10/2024 19:05

Why is he so set against spending time just the two of you? I would have said no, that’s not what I want on my birthday.

How would he react if you arranged something on his birthday for you and your close family member?

BooBooDoodle · 06/10/2024 19:05

He wants his mother to go then he can go with her on his own. This is unfair on you. Don’t book anything and go out for a solo day instead. Book a spa day for one and when it’s his birthday, mirror him and don’t do anything.

GivingitToGod · 06/10/2024 18:43

YANBU but my advice is paint a smile on your face and ENJOY!
Will cause too much aggro otherwise

laraitopbanana · 06/10/2024 18:29

bitsalty · 05/10/2024 09:10

Don't do it. Either refuse to go with her or make other plans. No-one can force you to go along with what they want.

That.

go for a spa day!

FeedingThem · 06/10/2024 18:21

Tink3rbell30 · 05/10/2024 11:12

Your replies are horrible, I can't see any reason for you to dislike this elderly lady. The way you comment about her is awful. She was there before you and will always be more important than you. It's just a birthday, she might not even be around for that much longer.

Why on earth is she more important than op? They're both human beings deserving of love and respect. One isn't more important because they're really old

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 06/10/2024 18:10

Book yourself a day out. Spa. Nice dinner. And buy yourself a nice gift and big flowers. Let him go for dinner with his mother, you have your day for you 💐💜

speedmop · 06/10/2024 16:27

OP…. Just back from Sunday lunch, and there was a table for 3 adjacent to us with only a couple seated at it. In stony silence. I could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. Was it you and your DH?!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/10/2024 08:03

Go for a massage or spa day and let him take his mum for lunch and you for dinner

Demonhunter · 05/10/2024 18:25

Wellingtonspie · 05/10/2024 17:55

Rule in our home and tbh family is birthday person picks dinner. Be that take away, restaurant or something they want home made. Even as toddlers they got to pick dinner.

I would think that was fairly standard. It's more the fact of it being a big issue if you have to be the one to book it or if someone else wants to join you, like "it's my special day" From reading what a lot of people say, I think it may be that is the only day they do get to choose or that the OH contributes little to the relationship on that score, so that's the only time it's expected of them.

The people I know that have birthday demands do so for the attention, not that it's the one day they do get. Perhaps that's why people are torn on the issue. It's helpful to see another angle to be honest, I'd never really thought about not having a partner who doesn't do these things for you just anytime because they want to so it makes it important.

Wellingtonspie · 05/10/2024 17:55

Rule in our home and tbh family is birthday person picks dinner. Be that take away, restaurant or something they want home made. Even as toddlers they got to pick dinner.

Demonhunter · 05/10/2024 17:52

CrowleyKitten · 05/10/2024 15:24

you get one day a year that can be all about what YOU want to do, to eat, and so on. I never expect a present from my other half (he spoils me at Christmas, but I've always said when he asks if I want anything, that I want a nice day out and a nice meal out. that's my priority) and I get that. I get to choose somewhere nice to eat, and a day out doing something fun. one of my friends from back at school usually travels across the country to spend a few days with us, and it's lovely.
there's nothing wrong with an adult wanting to be treated to a nice day and a nice meal on their birthday.

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Perhaps for some, it's because we don't only get one day a year we get that. I regularly get to choose where we eat, what we do, days out etc, as does my DP and the kids. We make it pretty even. Maybe that's why some dont understand why all the fuss over birthdays (I get big birthdays can be seen as a bit of a fuss)

No one is right or wrong, just personal preference I guess, but if you're married to someone you would think they'd know you enough to respect it, if you do like a fuss. I think if that is the one day a year you get to choose anything, then it would be a big deal.

secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 16:31

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secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 16:28

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Tink3rbell30 · 05/10/2024 16:19

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Teen, almost young adults.

secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 16:16

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Tink3rbell30 · 05/10/2024 16:01

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Yes sorry I do have kids.

secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 16:00

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Tink3rbell30 · 05/10/2024 15:59

AmeliaEarache · 05/10/2024 15:34

I really hope you aren’t married or have kids!

Because if you’re expecting your kids to treat you as top priority in their adult lives, that is not a healthy state of affairs.

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I said equal, not number one priority. I don't think you should demote a parent for a partner, partners come and go. A "life" partner usually isn't life these days. Everyone thinks differently though, if others want to put their parents aside and demote them down then they can, whether or not a stranger online agrees or not.

2chocolateoranges · 05/10/2024 15:38

Turnups · 05/10/2024 12:46

I never understand why some adult MNers want to make such a big deal of their birthdays.

In our family birthdays are all about that person whether they be 1 , 41 or 101. Every year on earth we are blessed with , should be celebrated in style, no matter what age you are.

AmeliaEarache · 05/10/2024 15:34

Tink3rbell30 · 05/10/2024 15:08

I don't agree but each to their own.

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I really hope you aren’t married or have kids!

Because if you’re expecting your kids to treat you as top priority in their adult lives, that is not a healthy state of affairs.

Turnups · 05/10/2024 15:30

CrowleyKitten · 05/10/2024 15:24

you get one day a year that can be all about what YOU want to do, to eat, and so on. I never expect a present from my other half (he spoils me at Christmas, but I've always said when he asks if I want anything, that I want a nice day out and a nice meal out. that's my priority) and I get that. I get to choose somewhere nice to eat, and a day out doing something fun. one of my friends from back at school usually travels across the country to spend a few days with us, and it's lovely.
there's nothing wrong with an adult wanting to be treated to a nice day and a nice meal on their birthday.

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Fair enough!

CrowleyKitten · 05/10/2024 15:24

Turnups · 05/10/2024 12:46

I never understand why some adult MNers want to make such a big deal of their birthdays.

you get one day a year that can be all about what YOU want to do, to eat, and so on. I never expect a present from my other half (he spoils me at Christmas, but I've always said when he asks if I want anything, that I want a nice day out and a nice meal out. that's my priority) and I get that. I get to choose somewhere nice to eat, and a day out doing something fun. one of my friends from back at school usually travels across the country to spend a few days with us, and it's lovely.
there's nothing wrong with an adult wanting to be treated to a nice day and a nice meal on their birthday.

secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 15:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Tink3rbell30 · 05/10/2024 15:08

AmeliaEarache · 05/10/2024 13:41

You don't demote your parent for someone else you've become close to. Equal yes but the parent shouldn't get shoved down the priority list.

Yes, you do. Obviously.

You know all those marriage vows and stuff? Choosing to spend your entire life with one person and forsaking all others? Your spouse isn't 'someone you'e become close to', you loon, it's your life partner.

You love your parents. You grow up, move out, make a life for yourself, maybe have children of your own. You still love your parents by they are no longer the primary people in your life.

If I am the most important person in my adult children's lives, I will have fucked something up along the way.

Doesn't mean I don't love my Mum and Dad.

OP, bollocks to the lot of it. Buy champagne, buy a luxurious dessert, tell DH you fancy a takeaway in the evening instead.

I don't agree but each to their own.

Justsayit123 · 05/10/2024 14:50

I’d go out with a friend and leave him homes but why is he so keen for a third person… sounds like he’s not keen to spend time with you.