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AIBU?

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Original poster

To make DS go to uni open day even though he came in at 4am?

163 replies

Redcase · 05/10/2024 06:37

I’m raging right now and need some more clear headed opinions. Me and DH are due to take DS to uni open day today. It’s a 3 hour drive each way and we should leave at 8:30.
DS went out last night and had been told by DH to not be late as DH wasn’t going to drive to uni city and back if DS was going to be a hungover zombie. Woke up at 3:30am and DS wasn’t home. DH rang him and after a bit of an argument, DS got a taxi home arriving back at 4am.
DH says we now shouldn’t go as this is what he said would be the consequence and ground DS.There is another open day in November. I’m not sure if we should still make DS go and honour the commitment.
We are working hard saving for uni and I picked up extra shifts last weekend so this is my first day off in 13 days. DS knows this and I think my tiredness and feeling of him taking the piss could be clouding my judgement.
Any advice? TIA

OP posts:
SunnyHedgehog · 05/10/2024 09:28

Pepperama · 05/10/2024 06:48

Unless he’s up and dressed and ready to leave at the right time without your intervention, I’d enjoy my free day with hubby and leave him to it. He’s an adult, and if that’s how he approaches uni he won’t succeed. So this may be an important last opportunity to drive home the fact he’s not doing you a favour going to university, and that actually, a lot of sacrifice would be involved. Which you’re willing to make, but only if it’s something he really wants and works hard for. In November, he can take the train

This, the open day is for him and it won't benefit him at all if you're having to poke him around it whilst he's hungover. If he wants to see the uni then he's got to make the effort to be up and ready or just get the train.

ilovesooty · 05/10/2024 09:26

Frith2013 · 05/10/2024 07:55

When did parents start going to open days with students?

Presumably when the idea developed that they were stakeholders due to having to put their own money into the experience. And with that came the conviction that without a parent hanging around the prospective student wouldn't be capable of asking the right questions.

EdithBond · 05/10/2024 09:26

Underlig · 05/10/2024 09:13

Parents have always had to pay something beyond the grant. For accommodation etc. Mine had to in the 1980s.

Show quote history

Only if they were well off. I went to uni in the late 80s. I got my fees paid, a full grant and £15pw housing benefit towards my £25pw rent. I’d worked full time for a year before I went and had money saved up. My mum was really struggling financially, so I used to send her some money from my grant. I worked each summer and Xmas (in postal sorting office) and saved up money for the next year. My family didn’t give me a penny and I’d never have asked. I had a car, so used to take myself there and back.

Original poster
Redcase · 05/10/2024 09:25

We’re on our way. I woke him and calmly asked if he wanted to go. I said we would take him if he wanted but we are leaving it up to him to make the decision. He said he wanted to go.
So all done in a calm way with no talk of punishment or groundings 🙈! The only possible punishment is I’m in charge of the playlist 😂.
He’s chatting away and no signs of vomiting for the posters who were worried about that! Oh to have a teenage liver!
Thanks for helping me to get things into perspective. He only knows I’m doing extra shifts, not that I’m saving for uni.
This is my first AIBU post and appreciate the helpful replies.
Looking forward to a good day out just the three of us and hopefully the chance to say there’s no problem if he decides uni is not for him.
Thanks and hope you enjoy your weekend

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/10/2024 09:22

' he won’t be allowed to go to watch his local football team this afternoon. '

wow !!!

he is 18 ? surely he is 18 if he is out drinking til 4am or whenever.

Edingril · 05/10/2024 09:16

Thebellofstclements · 05/10/2024 08:55

My parents always made us honour our commitments regardless of how hungover we were, it's good practice for adults life. Acting fine when feeling like shit is a skill everyone needs to learn.

So they made you honour something they decided you should do?

Tiswa · 05/10/2024 09:14

aintnohollabackgurl · 05/10/2024 07:40

I think you and most others here are overreacting.

He's s good kid, so you have very high expectations of him.

But staying out until 4 isn't that uncommon. Neither is functioning on a few hours of sleep, for a teenager. Don't concern yourself with the time he got in. Concern yourself with whether he's getting up to leave for the open day. He needs to go to this open day. That was the deal and that's the consequence. Not going would be letting him off the hook.

I would make sure to wake him calmly and say: ' we are leaving at X time '. No need for any discussion or argument.

The consequence of his action is that he'll feel like crap today. If you just let him sleep, he's not living the consequence.

But I don't think it's as much of a big deal that should have you raging. He's a teenager.. they do far worse than this.

This have we all forgotten what it was like being late teen (and I think the late here is needed) he is v nearly 18 this behaviour is perfectly normal (and based on mumsnet threads can keep going a very long time)

but actually let him decide - don’t stop him doing the football either we can’t micro manage our children neither can we place on them the fact that you are working so hard to support him.

this is a learning experience for him so let him learn from it whilst remembering it is a very normal one

Underlig · 05/10/2024 09:13

footballfan1963 · 05/10/2024 09:09

When they’re paying for it!

Show quote history

Parents have always had to pay something beyond the grant. For accommodation etc. Mine had to in the 1980s.

EdithBond · 05/10/2024 09:13

Redcase · 05/10/2024 07:24

I went to all uni open days with friends not parents. Treated them as a day off school and went to the student union bars and flirted with the students!
Thanks for all the replies. Will update as to whether he gets up but am going to leave the decision to him.

I think leaving it to him is best idea. He’s an adult. You’d be going to keep him company, not to ‘take him’.

But he was inconsiderate to you and your DH to come home so late when he knew you had to leave so early. He must’ve known it’d disturb your sleep if he wasn’t back. If he was enjoying himself last night, he should’ve messaged you before midnight and said he’d decided to stay out and cancel the uni trip. Adults have make decisions and not mess people about.

If he’s decided not to go, I suggest you treat yourself to a relaxing day off. Why don’t you and your DH go out for brunch with the petrol money you’ve saved.

footballfan1963 · 05/10/2024 09:09

Frith2013 · 05/10/2024 07:55

When did parents start going to open days with students?

When they’re paying for it!

Underlig · 05/10/2024 09:08

FanofLeaves · 05/10/2024 08:29

Can’t believe how superior certain posters are being about never accompanying their DC to a university open day!

  • some are really far away and no friends thinking of going
  • public transport not always an option
  • lots of teenagers don’t yet drive
  • might involve an overnight stay which is tricky if under 18
  • maybe they want to take an interest in where their child might spend at least 3 years of their life?
  • can be a fun day out and an excuse to visit a different part of the U.K.
  • perhaps they want their parent’s input on a very important decision

I mean really, of all the things to be smug about, not going to your child’s uni open days really isn’t it.

Edited

Why would friends not going make any difference?

Public transport is always an option. Universities are in cities. If you live in the middle of nowhere, no doubt you can drop your child at the nearest train/coach station.

What’s driving got to do with it? Most late teens can’t drive.

The other reasons are valid, though. But my DD didn’t do any open days. She made the choice of where to go by herself.

coffeesaveslives · 05/10/2024 09:05

Thebellofstclements · 05/10/2024 08:55

My parents always made us honour our commitments regardless of how hungover we were, it's good practice for adults life. Acting fine when feeling like shit is a skill everyone needs to learn.

But in this case, nobody actually wants to go - so what would be the point in honouring anything? Confused

dreamer24 · 05/10/2024 09:02

Frith2013 · 05/10/2024 07:55

When did parents start going to open days with students?

Erm, when they asked them to? In my case, anyway. DD wanted me to help her decide between two courses. My professional field is closely related to the one she's choosing, so she wanted my views.

Thebellofstclements · 05/10/2024 08:55

My parents always made us honour our commitments regardless of how hungover we were, it's good practice for adults life. Acting fine when feeling like shit is a skill everyone needs to learn.

kindlyensure · 05/10/2024 08:49

Yikes, 3 hours drive each way is a trek, especially on your day off. I would let it pass. You can do virtual days anyway. Or if there is another date go to that.

WillowTit · 05/10/2024 08:47

i dont know how to vote
i dont think i would take him though

tiggergoesbounce · 05/10/2024 08:46

Always. My mum did nearly 30 years ago

Same here, mum and dad did, 27 years ago..

Zanatdy · 05/10/2024 08:45

riversflows · 05/10/2024 08:37

I did because the stuff that was sent in the post by three universities had events for parents such as talks about the accommodation and finance. They were also at weekends. When my second and third went they had no such talks and were on weekdays and so the DC went with friends or alone,

Show quote history

The offer holder day we went to had special events for the parents. Its the norm now

Zanatdy · 05/10/2024 08:45

Frith2013 · 05/10/2024 07:55

When did parents start going to open days with students?

Probably when they were expected to contribute when student loans were means tested. Its the norm now, parents have more of an interest in their kids education now. I really valued the open days we went to for my son, it was a lovely experience. His sister came too when we went to scotland as we had to stay a couple of nights. She will go in 2yrs so it was really helpful for her to see different uni’s, campus v big city. Things have changed.

FanofLeaves · 05/10/2024 08:43

WorriedRelative · 05/10/2024 08:39

Whether you go or not I do hope you had some urgent hoovering to do at 7am OP.

Singing loudly while doing so always helps you get the chores done

Why? He’s a teenager that had a late night he’s hardly committed a heinous crime.

WorriedRelative · 05/10/2024 08:39

Whether you go or not I do hope you had some urgent hoovering to do at 7am OP.

Singing loudly while doing so always helps you get the chores done

riversflows · 05/10/2024 08:37

Frith2013 · 05/10/2024 07:55

When did parents start going to open days with students?

I did because the stuff that was sent in the post by three universities had events for parents such as talks about the accommodation and finance. They were also at weekends. When my second and third went they had no such talks and were on weekdays and so the DC went with friends or alone,

Anisty · 05/10/2024 08:31

Frith2013 · 05/10/2024 07:55

When did parents start going to open days with students?

I don't know but i got accused of having a very poor relationship with my DS because i never went to his in 2015 (the accusation was on another MN thread of course!! Not is rl)

And then when i mentioned that when i myself started uni in 1986, not only did i get myself and belongings there by train. Sorted out my own accomodation. My parents never visited me once in my uni home town (hundreds of miles from home) I got told my relationship with my parents was very poor!!!!!

It was very normal back then - none of my flatmates were visited either and no teenager wanted to be seen with parents. Very uncool!!

I did go to some uni open days with DD but i was at work when DS went to his, it was a long way away (7hours drive) and he was happy to go it alone.

He's 28 now and unscathed by the experience.

dreamer24 · 05/10/2024 08:30

Oh and my DD ASKED me to go with her to the open days we've attended. She wanted my opinion and support I guess. It's not that odd, depends what type of relationship you have I suppose 🤷‍♀️

FanofLeaves · 05/10/2024 08:29

Can’t believe how superior certain posters are being about never accompanying their DC to a university open day!

  • some are really far away and no friends thinking of going
  • public transport not always an option
  • lots of teenagers don’t yet drive
  • might involve an overnight stay which is tricky if under 18
  • maybe they want to take an interest in where their child might spend at least 3 years of their life?
  • can be a fun day out and an excuse to visit a different part of the U.K.
  • perhaps they want their parent’s input on a very important decision

I mean really, of all the things to be smug about, not going to your child’s uni open days really isn’t it.