Partner making last minute drinking plans - you have a baby

You didn't move away from family & friends to spend evenings alone.
This is not a happy partnership
You can look after baby & live alone without a teenager pseudo Daddy

he will babysit
It’s not babysitting. It’s parenting his child

Wow I'm surprised by some of the comments

Sorry, I feel differently

I don't feel the issue here is that he's going out - great have fun

The issue is the lack of respect he has for you. You say he's going out last minute and not returning at the agreed time.

Thats not ok in a partnership - that's just presuming that you will be there and can be forever on shift as a parent

Will this change as the baby becomes a child and has hobbies and needs ferrying places?

Also, when you've had a hard day as a mum, but know dad will be home at say 5pm and then they don't show up till 10pm - that's not easy

I'm not sure I understand the issue. It sounds like you wouldn't be going out anyway, based on your comments. So, if you're just going to be sitting in with baby anyway, why do you need a lot of notice if he's going to go out? Assuming he doesn't go out loads, and it's just the odd night out, I can't see the problem with it being 'last minute', because it doesn't affect what you would be doing? Do you just not like him going out?

Like I said, if he's going out loads then yeah it is not great, but if it's just occasional then I can't see the problem. You also can't use your not going out as a reason that he shouldn't go out - that's not fair. If you want time off, you join an activity, get a hobby, make an effort to get out and have some time without baby. He's said he will watch the baby! It's not fair to be like, "I don't want to go out so you can't either."

Life doesn't stop when people have children

Going out on your own is good if you fancy it. And probably a good thing to do a bit off even if you don’t, though maybe something more organized where you might make local connections like a book club or a Taekwondo class or something would be more helpful in the long term than going to see a film on your own.

But I’m assuming part of the issue here is that you are lonely and it’s the being left with the baby all day and then all night when you’d been expecting him to come home and be adult conversation and make you feel human again? (This could be projection, but it’s definitely what I wanted from my DH when the kids were tiny).

In which case, the going out on your own won’t fill that gap (at least, not until you actually make some connections) and you probably need to be clearer to him that the move here leaves you lonely and him saying he feels bad for you is just pissing in the wind if he then abandons you whenever he gets an offer from a mate. He needs to step up and put in the work to make you feel like moving there wasn’t simply a one way sacrifice.

Also agree with PP that going out together is important and, if you don’t have babysitting, going out as a family in the evening is often doable, you just need to find the right venues.

What do you expect from him? Do you think he should be home every evening with you or should only go out with a few days notice or ? Then ask yourself if that is reasonable.

If you are having a hard time with the baby if expect him there all the time unless a special occasion known about in advance. If it's easy enough a late night out plus a pop to the pub for a few hours each week would feel reasonable to me.

Do you still go out together? Even if you have no baby sitting you'll be fine at a family friendly restaurant or pub.

Do go out on your own. If you've a large shopping mall near you they're usually open til late and are safe and comfortable for browsing and you can have a coffee and cake somewhere. It is perfectly normal to go to the cinema on your own too. Or maybe a swim?

Make plans to go out and tell him
I'm going to a film or the pub...

You need to just go out anyway to see if he will cover it...

I've had some lovely nights with just me, red wine, a good book and a pub fire!

It's frustrating for you currently, because he has the possibility of doing last minute things, and because you moved for him, you lost that option. I get there would be some resentment there

Try just taking yourself out to the cinema one evening, or go swimming, or something like that. See whether he’s genuinely willing to be home alone with his child. If he is, that’s a good start, although there still needs to be a conversation about how often this happens and how much notice you give each other, especially when it’s going to be a late one.

Yes you have a right to be annoyed. Do you get the chance to go out last minute?