Partner making last minute drinking plans - you have a baby

Noahsark4 · 2024-10-04T21:07:08+00:00

Before you answer, I will give you a bit of a back story to this question. Whilst I was pregnant my partner still went out drinking and would come home at daft o’clock. At the beginning I wasn’t too fussed but then it started happening more often. He would tell me “ill be home at such n such time” and never would be.. naturally this angered me. Fast forward to me giving birth and my baby is 6 months old, he hasn’t been out as much but when he does it’s still daft o’clock and it’s always LAST MINUTE plans. I don’t mind him going out but it’s always last minute plans with no notice which involves drinking and coming home past midnight. Do I have a right to be annoyed? Or am I still holding onto anger from him going out and not returning at the time he has said when I was pregnant and after.

Blinkii · 07/10/2024 11:13

No the mum can definitely still have spontaneous last minute nights too.

Original poster

Noahsark4 · 07/10/2024 09:57

Blinkii · 05/10/2024 23:40

So people aren't allowed nights out because they have a baby?

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It isn’t to do with not being allowed a night out.

I think when you have a baby your life and social life does change which you should accept and I don’t think it is fair to just drop on a Friday straight after work you’re going out till daft o’clock.

If a night out is planned and given at least a days notice then fine.

Obviously it’s healthy to have a social life, I just don’t think it’s fair that men can just make spontaneous nights out and not have a second thought or check it’s okay first.

Before a baby is born you would do the spontaneous nights out together and then when the baby is here that goes and the mum is the default parent majority of the time.

OP posts:

Blinkii · 05/10/2024 23:40

Penguinmouse · 05/10/2024 09:15

If you can’t understand how unfair it is for a mum to be at home all day with a baby and then her partner to drop that he’s going out and doesn’t know when he will be home, what’s the point? She’s doing all the care and he’s having all the fun. She also moved for him so she doesn’t have the same ability to just go out spontaneously.

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So people aren't allowed nights out because they have a baby?

RawBloomers · 05/10/2024 20:51

Noahsark4 · 05/10/2024 12:40

Yeah that’s how I’m feeling, it’s when it’s last minute and there’s no thought regarding me and what I need to do and even if I did need an hour or so by myself.

He could at least wait an hour before going out and let me do what I need to do but it’s just a constant rush like he can’t wait to be out.

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That’s totally legitimate. And you should talk to him about it.

you do need to make some effort to build a network independent of him. But that will take years, and plenty of solo parenting from him.

Original poster

Noahsark4 · 05/10/2024 12:46

Katielovesteatime · 05/10/2024 03:55

I'm not sure I understand the issue. It sounds like you wouldn't be going out anyway, based on your comments. So, if you're just going to be sitting in with baby anyway, why do you need a lot of notice if he's going to go out? Assuming he doesn't go out loads, and it's just the odd night out, I can't see the problem with it being 'last minute', because it doesn't affect what you would be doing? Do you just not like him going out?

Like I said, if he's going out loads then yeah it is not great, but if it's just occasional then I can't see the problem. You also can't use your not going out as a reason that he shouldn't go out - that's not fair. If you want time off, you join an activity, get a hobby, make an effort to get out and have some time without baby. He's said he will watch the baby! It's not fair to be like, "I don't want to go out so you can't either."

I would be more than happy for us to go out in the evening even with the baby for food etc so we can spend time together and get out the house.

Its not that I don’t want to go out ever but it isn’t as important to me as it is to him.

sometimes he will say he’s going out for food with friends which turns into more. My argument is if you wanted to go out for food why not ask me? It’s because he knows it will follow with drinks. I’m not saying he can’t see friends but I think when you have a family your priorities change and I don’t feel like a priority which I’ve expressed multiple times.

i haven’t got the mentally of I don’t want to go out so you can’t at all, not sure if that’s how it’s come across but it’s definitely not the case. I don’t want to be a hermit sat at home all the time, we can do things that don’t involve excessive alcohol in the evenings

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Original poster

Noahsark4 · 05/10/2024 12:40

RawBloomers · 05/10/2024 02:05

Going out on your own is good if you fancy it. And probably a good thing to do a bit off even if you don’t, though maybe something more organized where you might make local connections like a book club or a Taekwondo class or something would be more helpful in the long term than going to see a film on your own.

But I’m assuming part of the issue here is that you are lonely and it’s the being left with the baby all day and then all night when you’d been expecting him to come home and be adult conversation and make you feel human again? (This could be projection, but it’s definitely what I wanted from my DH when the kids were tiny).

In which case, the going out on your own won’t fill that gap (at least, not until you actually make some connections) and you probably need to be clearer to him that the move here leaves you lonely and him saying he feels bad for you is just pissing in the wind if he then abandons you whenever he gets an offer from a mate. He needs to step up and put in the work to make you feel like moving there wasn’t simply a one way sacrifice.

Also agree with PP that going out together is important and, if you don’t have babysitting, going out as a family in the evening is often doable, you just need to find the right venues.

Edited

Yeah that’s how I’m feeling, it’s when it’s last minute and there’s no thought regarding me and what I need to do and even if I did need an hour or so by myself.

He could at least wait an hour before going out and let me do what I need to do but it’s just a constant rush like he can’t wait to be out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Noahsark4 · 05/10/2024 12:38

KingOfPeace · 05/10/2024 00:58

What do you expect from him? Do you think he should be home every evening with you or should only go out with a few days notice or ? Then ask yourself if that is reasonable.

If you are having a hard time with the baby if expect him there all the time unless a special occasion known about in advance. If it's easy enough a late night out plus a pop to the pub for a few hours each week would feel reasonable to me.

Do you still go out together? Even if you have no baby sitting you'll be fine at a family friendly restaurant or pub.

Do go out on your own. If you've a large shopping mall near you they're usually open til late and are safe and comfortable for browsing and you can have a coffee and cake somewhere. It is perfectly normal to go to the cinema on your own too. Or maybe a swim?

I don’t expect he should be home every evening for example if he went to the pub after work for a bit then returned at a reasonable time I wouldn’t be bothered as he does do that the occasional time if he manages to finish work early.

We don’t really do much just us two anymore although we do have a weekend away planned soon.

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HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 05/10/2024 10:21

IamnotSethRogan · 05/10/2024 10:14

If he would infact genuinely be happy for you to go out alone and as long as he's not going out lots and he is generally a hands on father then I don't think it's completely unreasonable. I think you should also work on building friendships where you are. You say he isn't even going out that much.

I know it's lonely but I dont think that because you don't have friends locally he should give up on his. I imagine your social situation will change as you live in the area. Similarly if your good friends aren't in the area, there will probably be a time when your baby is a bit bigger where you're going to want to travel to go out with them, possibly staying away over night.

As long as he isn't completely taking the piss, I don't think it's really a deal breaker or super unreasonable.

Completely agree with this

IamnotSethRogan · 05/10/2024 10:14

If he would infact genuinely be happy for you to go out alone and as long as he's not going out lots and he is generally a hands on father then I don't think it's completely unreasonable. I think you should also work on building friendships where you are. You say he isn't even going out that much.

I know it's lonely but I dont think that because you don't have friends locally he should give up on his. I imagine your social situation will change as you live in the area. Similarly if your good friends aren't in the area, there will probably be a time when your baby is a bit bigger where you're going to want to travel to go out with them, possibly staying away over night.

As long as he isn't completely taking the piss, I don't think it's really a deal breaker or super unreasonable.

TravellingJack · 05/10/2024 10:06

I would absolutely try saying one eve 'right, that's me off out, I'll be back about 10' as soon as he's through the door. Even if you just get a coffee and take a book or scroll your phone in the car... his reaction and behaviour would speak volumes.

How far from your family and friends are you? Is your baby breastfed? I'd consider whether it's feasible to go and see them - stay overnight if possible but appreciate probably not just now if bf.

Second all the comments about getting used to going out on your own. There are groups (Meetup, if that's still going?) you can find for cinema trips, and you might make friends that way. I did love a solo evening shopping/cinema trip though! No one else to please but myself 😂

Pussycat22 · 05/10/2024 09:56

You got yourself a knob!!!

Fluffymarshmallow · 05/10/2024 09:53

Please find something to do, it doesnt matter what it is, a christmas craft workshop, a flower arrangjng course anything. You will eventually meet people, they may not be people you will go clubbing with but you will get more adult conversation. Also do some local baby classes in the day to meet other Mums. If you are out there you will meet people and have the dinner dates etc planned.

If you feel he is always out every Fri and Sat perhaps arrange something for one of those nights and tell him you are doing it and he will need to be home sober and in control. If you have moved to be near his parents, get him to sè if he can arrange sitters so you can both go out. You dont have to be over night just the cinema etc.

You need to find a good balance in your parenting.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/10/2024 09:51

He comes down to him thinking his time is still all his own, but that yours isn’t. That you are the default parent and that he therefore doesn’t need to make arrangements if he wants to duck out- but that the same obviously doesn’t apply to you, as you are on duty unless previously arranged, whereas he is free unless previously arranged.

Pickledprawn · 05/10/2024 09:42

Is he hung over in the morning OP? I wouldn't be happy if my other half was not functioning in the morning to help me with the kids (unless I had a little bit of notice). I would suggest going out last minute the morning after the night before to see how he feels then.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/10/2024 09:34

This is one of the most unsupportive things a man can do when there’s a new baby in the house - go out drinking, or go out to please himself in any way - with no notice.

I don’t really agree with everyone saying you just need to do the same. Other than simply as a lesson to him in how awful this is. You probably want to relax in your own home sometimes, whilst he cares for the baby, or to spend some time together, caring for him/ her or when he/ she is asleep.

And to know when the end point of solo baby care will be for the day.

When my eldest was little someone said to me, it was like he was at the gym and someone had told him he had to do X number of push ups, but just as he was nearing the end, someone added a whole lot more.

RT5463 · 05/10/2024 09:19

I’m really surprised with all the comments saying that they don’t see a problem. Before baby maybe not, but looking after a young baby is really tough.

I used to look forward to hubby getting home so that I could have a shower, lie down for 20 minutes, have a poo in peace, or simply have an adult conversation.

Parenting is supposed to be a team. If I’d had a really difficult day with baby, was exhausted and looking forward to hubby being home to share the responsibility and then he’d pecked me on the cheek and said “right I’m off to the pub…” I would feel hurt, lonely and taken for granted.

Obviously one offs/occasional night outs would be different, but if it was happening frequently I would be upset.

Penguinmouse · 05/10/2024 09:15

Blinkii · 05/10/2024 08:43

I dont think he'd doing anything wrong, and I don't think he should be putting a time on when he will be home, what's the point? You can't say before you leave the house how the night will go and when you'll be home. Why does it make you angry if he's not home at a set time?

I think this is more about what you're not doing, rather than what he's doing.

If you can’t understand how unfair it is for a mum to be at home all day with a baby and then her partner to drop that he’s going out and doesn’t know when he will be home, what’s the point? She’s doing all the care and he’s having all the fun. She also moved for him so she doesn’t have the same ability to just go out spontaneously.

crumblingschools · 05/10/2024 08:59

Are you making any mum friends at baby groups? Are you going back to work so will have work colleagues to socialise with? Can you join a club/do a hobby that will increase your social circle.

How much parenting does he do? Are you doing all household chores, cooking etc?

JWhipple · 05/10/2024 08:52

You've left all your friends and family behind, for a man who doesn't seem to prioritise spending time with you and your child?
Have you thought about moving back home, it sounds that you're already almost a single parent, at least there you'd have support

Blinkii · 05/10/2024 08:43

I dont think he'd doing anything wrong, and I don't think he should be putting a time on when he will be home, what's the point? You can't say before you leave the house how the night will go and when you'll be home. Why does it make you angry if he's not home at a set time?

I think this is more about what you're not doing, rather than what he's doing.

Penguinmouse · 05/10/2024 08:41

“He will babysit” how generous of him to look after his own child

lunar1 · 05/10/2024 08:39

So this morning, just before lunch, announce you're going out, you'll be back at 3, hand over the baby and go. Shopping, cinema lunch, whatever you fancy. And make sure you aren't back till after 6, where you'll be shattered and need to go to bed and can't be disturbed.

Didimum · 05/10/2024 08:35

Please tell me he didn’t use the word ‘babysit’ when suggesting you go out? Good lord.

This wouldn’t fly with me, OP.

TrumpIsACuntWaffle · 05/10/2024 08:07

Noahsark4 · 04/10/2024 22:18

When I mention about him going out he always says to me I can go out whenever I want and he will babysit. The problem is I moved area to be with him and my friends and family aren’t local so I can’t just plan spontaneous nights out and he knows this. He will get home from work and then someone will call him asking to go pub and he will go as soon as he’s home and then the time he says he’ll be back is never stuck to

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It's not babysitting.

Sugarysugar · 05/10/2024 07:54

Does he do his share of household chores? Does he do his share of caring for his baby?
If he is doing his fair share then then the going out wouldn't bother me so much.

However he does sound heavily invested in drinking and that would worry me. What kind of state is he in when he gets home?

Also if his pals are calling him to go drinking on a very regular basis they don't have any sense his priorities have changed now he has a young baby - they still see his status as drinking buddy as unchanged.

I feel if he drank a lot and stayed out late when you were pregnant and he is still going out drinking and staying out late now he has a young baby it doesn't bode well for the future. I can't see him changing. I can't see him suddenly changing and becoming a responsible, invested parent.