Partner won’t marry me (thread 2)

I definitely think the 'assault by three sheets of paper' incident means the time for grown up 'getting along for an easy life' is over.

No joint shopping trips, no physical contact of any kind, definitely do not cook for him (attempted poisoning) or make him a drink.

Civil conversation only where strictly necessary and get out ASAP.

Everything x'd for the house!

It's only worth being adult about things when the other person is too...

You're doing great except for the tapping him on the head with the paper. That was silly full stop but of course you'll never hear the end of it.

No more joint shopping trips of course.

Hope you are doing OK today OP, I too am in the be careful camp. Him saying you hit him, when you absolutely didn't makes me suspicious, and I would be cautious going anywhere near him or talking things through with him. I'd move out ASAP, even if it's just to your mother's temporarily until you get a place.

Hope you get that house!

He’s not mature enough to talk about what went wrong or to own his part. You’re wasting time and energy, which should be employed getting you and your dcs out of his life. I know you think this will help both of you. But it won’t. It’s only going to hurt you and cause more stress, weaken your position etc. Be business like and have your eyes firmly planted towards the goal of moving out and getting on with your lives.

@Everythingwillbeokk I'm not sure I understand your determination to talk through all the reasons why you and you STBX need to split up? It's pointless, unless you are not so committed to leaving as you say you are and are trying to convince YOURSELF that you should leave?

Letting him go with you shopping yesterday is weird, in my opinion. You should have said no, surely, so that he wasn't getting mixed signals from you ?

Is there no way you can just get your goods into storage and go and stay temporarily at your Mum's until you get somewhere to stay?

I would be concerned he’s saying you’ve hit him
OP. It was an entirely innocent act borne out of frustration, but he’s clearly flip-flopping all over the place.
He will never hear you, ever. He will never, ever acknowledge what he has put you through nor will he ever credit you for anything positive you have brought to his world.
He feels hurt (in his own mind) because you won’t do what he wants, and he’s about to take a financial hit. If what you paid was a ‘pittance’ it won’t make any difference when you leave, will it? Rubbish. It will really affect him.
The sooner you get out of there the better it will only get worse the longer you are in that house.

I’ve been emotionally, mentally and financially abused. I’m hurt. I probably won’t ever trust anyone again. I’m broken - but I’ve got my kids, I’ve got my team, I don’t need to let anyone in again unless they are good for us.

OP is possibly using these conversations, which are being described as pointless, as learning opportunities to avoid similar in the future. She has said there is no shouting or nastiness between them so she can take it all in without fear.

Pittance?

The unspeakable twattery of the man!

He's obviously annoyed that you have gained the upper hand and is wanting to even the score with the jibe about a pittance. That's all it is.

Have you thought about going to see that house for sale that you liked? It's worth making a visit to check it out with the estate agent. There are ways and means even if you don't think you have enough of a deposit at present - for example, sometimes sellers will accept a smaller deposit than the usual expected percentage. And houses sell sometimes considerably below the asking price. And buyers have been known to borrow from friends and family or on credit cards to gather the deposit they need to make it happen.

He sounds absolutely insufferable!! I really hope this next house is perfect for you and you get it.

Is there really any point trying to have any more conversations with him? He's not going to have an epiphany and at this point it wouldn't matter if he did.

I have to agree, it's not a good idea for the op to be playing these rough and tumble games with him, it makes me wonder if she is enjoying luring him back in so that she can hurt him more when she ultimately leaves.
I can understand her impulse to do this but it's a bad idea because it will make him want to punish her more . . . and the cycle continues.

It's called adulting.

bit harsh

Op you have to shit or get off the pot. You're both now playing silly mind games (shopping together). Quit the dramatics and leave. The kids deserve better.

I think it's the psychological need for closure, analysis of what went wrong. Like a court hearing. Completely agree, it's unproductive and a waste of time. But it's difficult to argue with underlying want to thrash things out.
Maybe also internal need to prove to herself that she was not to blame?

I agree with everyone. Speed up the timeline and get out. You do not really know who this man is or how he will react when he finally loses it.

@Everythingwillbeokk I don't understand why you're having these long conversations with him. You're not compatible, you've split up, you're looking to move out. Why the need for the postmortem?

He said everything you need to know. He does not want to hear it. Your opinion (ie “The Facts”) do not matter in the least to him. You are simply a means to facilitate his lifestyle - not a person, not a woman, not a lover, and most certainly not a life partner. Machiavellian, misogynistic toad of a man.

He's obviously desperate to be trying this random shit. Not surprisingly, he's losing everything.

I'd be slightly worried about his next move.

This. No good will come of your staying there any longer. You’ve decided to go, now get on and do it. I expect the “pittance” will be missed more than you - and quite quickly.

I don’t think there is any healthy or neat wrapping up with him, you will not get what you want out of it. It will not suddenly dawn on him what he has caused.

If you are able to you should move out asap regardless of the viewing on Friday. If you get it and can move in immediately then great but otherwise rent that truck and storage and find a premier inn to stay at until you can get into an apartment. Living with him is unhealthy, damaging, and dangerous.

Obviously the A4 paper incident does not constitute assault, but at the same time it was a bad move on your part op.
He now knows that you can be provoked into 'acting out'. He will be searching for ways to get you compromised so that he can control you for his benefit. He has a large incentive to try and provoke you into further behavior like this.

Just read both your threads OP and I'm another one advising caution I'm afraid, his behaviour is becoming worrying imo. He's clearly doing zero self reflection and is still twisting and turning trying to manipulate you and the situation back to what he wants, that displays a seriously unhealthy mindset and I would be worrying about what he might do next to pull you back into line. I think you need to get out now, none of us really know what someone is capable of and yours and DC safety is all that really matters.

"You've hit me" he's absolutely cracked. So glad you're getting out.