Partner won’t marry me (thread 2)

I agree. OP’s two threads touched so many posters on here.

I hope she is ok. I hope all of the children are ok too.

I wonder if OP still plans to view the rental house today. Hope she is ok.

Same - we're all just hoping that you are ok and preparing for the new house. You and your kids are in our thoughts and prayers.

Agreed.

@Everythingwillbeokk

' we ' are getting concerned now, you haven't been on your thread since Mon morning and you said a. you had ' hit ' him - according to him and b. he was at home instead of being at work.

I know you don't owe us anything, but just a ' i'm ok / busy with work / nothing to update will suffice and put our minds at ease.

' we ' be may overreacting but for all we know he did press charges due to you ' hitting him ' and you could have spent Mon evening or Tuesday evening in a cell or he could have become violent and you are in hospital !

I know you had friends checking in on you for Sat evening when you were due your 1st chat ( or maybe it was Fri evening ) but ' we ' don't know if these friends are still checking in on you.

Hi @Everythingwillbeokk
Please let us know if you are OK

@pikkumyy77 - most of the posts I've seen here have been trying to persuade her not to confront him (quite right they are, too). I'm another who is trying not to find the OP's silence ominous and hoping she's just quietly going about her business and carrying out plans to leave asap.

Stop encouraging her to be confrontational with this man. Leaving a relationship—even if no history of abuse is yet seen—is always dangerous for women. She needs to get out fast and clean.

How are you doing @Everythingwillbeokk ? X

Well if he does try any nonsense with "the roll of paper tap on the head = hitting me", she can inform him that she is entitled to have her contribution to his mortgage repaid to her and that she will pursue a claim if he tries to fuck her over any more than he already has. Given that he told her that ring-fencing a house deposit was a fiction of her creation, he will probably put this in the same category until he gets her solicitor's letter. She can say she will need the money to pay her upcoming legal fees.

However, probably best not to say this to him whilst you are still living there.

Haven’t posted before, but I’m also concerned the you hit me comment is a set up here. Please please be careful.

I'd remind him that he should stop wasting his days off, as he will be needing them (when he has to look after his own children.....)

Stop trying to have chats with him.

No attempt at engaging now will end well. Not at all.
He will never see your point of view. He will never agree with you. There is only the potential for things to get worse, not better.

The closest he’s going to come to knowing what he’s done is you leaving.

Just quietly and civilly go about making your preparations and then leave.

You're an inspiration. Well done for standing your ground

Hello OP

Haven't posted on your thread before but just wanted to add my good wishes and agree with others' cautions, embodied in @DuckbilledSplatterPuff's excellent post.

When someone used to being in a position of authority starts acting strangely for him it's worth taking note. There's nothing to be lost by being extra cautious, and it could potentially save you a lot of grief down the line.

apart from waiting for an update,

@Everythingwillbeokk

do you think he may have planted some sort of device in your car when you drove the two of you to the supermarket - that's if it was your car you went in ?

I hope you are ok ? as you didn't come back yesterday nor this morning - yes I do realise you work and are a mother AND he was at home yesterday unexpectedly but I do hope you are ok
I know you are not accountable to ' us ' in any way but ' we ' well I anyway are concerned for you / about you.

right now I think the ' best ' update we could receive would be, is that you took your children and are safely at your Mums.

Yes that screamed at me too, that he was setting her up to be arrested.

Agree with above.
There is absolutely no harm in being over-cautious at this point.
If it turns out you were over-cautious, you can look back and laugh... if in fact it is fully justified, you will be very very glad you did. I don't think you lose anything (a few expenses) by acting cautiously. Look on it as insurance in safety and sanity.

"Trying to address every issue with him because I feel like we both deserve to have covered it all. There’s no questions then, no come backs."

Drop the list until you are safely away, if not completely.
There clearly are questions and comebacks. So many people have said as a police officer he could be building a case based on the paper incident.

His flip flopping of nice/nasty behaviour. Coming with you to the shops - under the circumstances that could just be checking up on you. No reason for him to come at all.. and as for making sure you buy the right lunch materials for him? Why??? I also think his sudden taking days off is for the same reason... to see what you are up to. He's spent time talking to friends and relatives after all and is probably getting similar advice on how to handle you.

One of the reasons you've felt compelled to leave is because of his meanness, financially, emotionally, this feels to me that having had a list of his faults read out and being financially worse off, not to mention the humiliation of being called out by the person he thought he was controlling - I do think he will want his revenge in one way or another. He cares about his own well being, not yours. Reading a further list of how he's hurt you - is not going to have the reaction you'd expect. He won't feel a moments guilt or self-reflection.

As others have advised. Disengage completely, whilst maintaining a civil front. Stall as much as possible, say you just need time to think as you don't know what to do. Do not let him goad you into a reaction like the paper thing again. (Deny it each and every time he mentions it but don't go into explainations - just repeat You know that is not true) Bright and breezy grey rock. Don't give away any more hints or indications of your plans. You don't have to answer questions or respond in any way to more goading. Just polite and calm, I don't feel this is the right time to discuss this, or similar

Hmmm, no idea what he’s up to but a cautionary tale that my friend’s DH did something similar and she ended up being arrested overnight for assault on his say so. Nothing major had happened ( like the paper incident) but he was very angry and wanted to hurt her so basically fabricated the assault. When people are hurt and upset they do and say awful things. Hope you are okay OP.

I would watch your step op. If he is claiming you assaulted him, he is not going to respectfully allow this to end amicably.

I would fast track my plans and get out fast before he ruins you. A criminal record isn’t going to be helpful, and it seems he is going to try and take you down by lying.

This isn’t at the stage anymore of doing a postmortem or sitting down and hearing each other out. You need to leave.

I am not sure that you read the OP's posts or if you did, quite got the gist of things.

I think if my husband tried to make me read 3 pieces of A4 about how awful I was and all the things I'd do wrong I'd rather just divorce. If you've decided it's over then it's over. It sounds as though you don't communicate if you give each other documents rather than talk.
It's not clear why he was so keen for you to return home if he wasn't interested in trying to save the marriage.. It sounds like he just likes trying to control you.
This sounds very over.

Agree with others here - we are all saying similar. Worrying that he cries assault over three bits of paper. He will never see it the way you do - no point in finishing the list with him. He may well create more exaggerations of where you did him wrong. Avoid him as much as possible, grey rock if you do speak to him, maybe even change tack, be nice as pie to achieve peace. Get out of there as quickly as you can. Don't share your plans on this - let him come home to an empty house one day. He believes you to be less than him, that contempt could cause you a lot of trouble when you are no longer going along with what he wants.