There’s no way this can work is there?

We had exactly the same issue with my dad. We got both houses ready to sell then he put his on the market first and once he'd accepted an offer on his we put ours on the market and he moved in with us so we were only selling one house while looking for properties to move to. It all came together, you may be cramped in your house for a bit but it'll be great when you all move together to your new fab big house 💐

Can she just not sell her house and buy one in the same town as you? Separation is good and the whole process would be easier. Is she very keen to live with you?

OP, echoing what other PPs have said, I think you need to consider and research really carefully whether your mum moving in with you (even in an annex) is a good idea financially and for the family as a whole. From experience of my grandparents living with us as a kid (my GM was a very difficult person) the caring responsibilities took a big toll on my DM and she wasn’t able to give time snd emotional support to us kids. If your DM moves in and her health deteriorated, who is going to look after her and how will this work with work/finances and your DC? Will there be enough time and attention to go round?

Don't do it! For either parent. You could quite easily spend the next 20+ years as a carer. That's the best part of your life on hold. I get on really well with my mum, but I know living together would really damage our relationship and I'd end up resenting her - and that's without needing to be her carer! I love her to bits but even a two week holiday would be pushing it.

What about YOUR family? You need to put time and effort into your marriage, and time and effort into being a great mum. And most importantly make time for YOU! Don't sacrifice your life for others. As they say "don't set yourself on fire just to keep others warm".

It might be a cultural thing on your husband's side, but tough. That's not what's best for everyone. You'll have a much better relationship if you live apart. My mum has carers four times a day and a cleaner. I visit several times a week, but when I visit I'm not having to do her washing or help her change her incontinence pants, instead we go to the garden centre, go to the theatre, visit a national trust place. Mum has only got a couple of years left at best, but I'm going to make damn sure I enjoy them with her and that means spending time enjoying tea and cake in a cafe, not wiping her bum!

I can confidently say, working in both housing, benefits and fraud that any kind of ‘deprivation’ is unfounded. You have to prove it firstly which is extremely difficult, impossible in fact. You basically have to say “yes, my DM sold her house knowing she would have to go to a care home and we would inherit- and we did this on purpose and she agreed to it”.
No successful case in 20 years.
Your DM would also have to need a home pretty fast, we can only ask for three months bank statements for a start. I’m presuming she doesn’t have dementia and is sound of mind. It’s her money, her house and she can do what she sees fit.

For any naysayers, contact your local council and make a FOI request.

PS your reasons are sound so there’s also that!

I think I'd want your DM to move local to you asap, in her own place. As her needs change, you can buy in help and do what you can yourself. Being local will help hugely in seeing her needs and organising care. You can move in together at a later point if you still want to and if it works out money wise. You may never live together but if she is nearby, you can see her regularly and move forwards from that.

To be honest, if your DC are very young and you may have more, it will be a nightmare for you trying to support DM from a distance.

As someone who had to care for elderly disabled parents for more than a decade, I can say there was no way I would ever have wanted to move in together. My own house was an absolutely essential refuge to get away from the stress of it.

If you browse through posts on the Elderly Parents board on MN, you will find many stressed carers, but very few of them have parents living with them, and most of them would run away screaming at the idea of it, I think.

And interestingly, although my own grandmother lived with us for many years when I was a child, my own mother never even suggested the idea to me, I think because she knew how difficult it had been for her coping with her mother in the household and she didn't want to inflict the same on me.

For people with funds state paid for carers don't exist. You don't seem very well informed of what her future care needs might be. How old is she and what is her health like now?

You describe your mother as 'not an easy woman', but you are planning to tie your finances and your living arrangements to her for the next decade or two or three? Why?? It sounds like a recipe for disaster. Is it just because you will be able to afford a larger home this way than by yourselves?

I would keep your finances and homes separate, but help her move to a suitable flat near you. That way you can provide support as needed/wanted but aren't assumed to be on hand as a 24-hour carer, and if any of your circumstances change, you aren't all tied into a large shared property.

And think of the impact on your child (and any future children) of your time and attention being diverted to their grandmother. If she becomes totally dependent on you, what happens when you want to go away on holiday, for example?

You haven't said how old she is, but I presume if you are still of an age where you are thinking of having another child, she is probably no older than her 70s, and she could live for another 20 years or more.

If she will be left with spare funds after downsizing, maybe you could draw up a formal loan agreement for her to help you buy a bigger house, though of course you might have to repay this if she needed to go into a care home.

It's easy for your husband to say they will both end up living with you when, everyone her knows that you will be the one doing the personal care of both elderly ladies. Blooming cheek of him!

I wouldn't be banking on getting any state help. She can obviously afford to pay for carers and care home fees from her house proceeds, saving and pension income.

If you think you will get any state help in the next few years because her money is tied up in hour house, you should expect a full financial review.

I don't understand why you would be looking to become the full time carer of your difficult mother (who could get even more difficult as she ages) when you also might want to have another child and you presumably want to be a good parent to your existing child. Is this a money motivated decision?

Recommend the supported living option if there are suitable schemes local to you. There are a number of private ones or Anchor Housing schemes for rentals.

Take care that she is not deliberately reducing her assets in the situation where she needs state care as they will come after the value of her lost asset to pay for her care.

Honestly, I would speak to a solicitor that deals with this sort of thing to get clarification before you proceed.

I believe that @Hoppinggreen is trying to warn you that this is a very, very bad idea. What does your DH and DC think of it? It’s a life changing decision and once done cannot be undone.

My friend is doing this at the moment. Has sold her own house in another town. Will rent a place in my town and same town as her mum and puts mums for sale then looks to buy a joint property

Can your mother not buy a smaller property near where you live ?