There’s no way this can work is there?

Thing is as my friend is finding out if you don't have money to buy a place then there is a waiting list by council so if this is what you want for the mother in law with no money you must contact adult social care in your area and explain what you want and they will sign post council as my friend dad is 17 in line so u r waiting for them to pass away or move to care home etc . However if your mum has money then there are places you biy not rent

You lose 1% per annum your DM would be living in the flat so if it cost £100k it would be £1k per annum. ( balance this v a retirement flat you have to sell - average time to sell is 18 months or longer and likely 50% of value )

I say all this as someone who will spend my entire life as a carer to my son with disabilities. It’s not that I’m cold. I just know how it feels to stare down the barrel of a lifetime of caring and it’s not something anyone should take on unless they absolutely have to and strongly want to. Sounds like you neither have to not want to.

If you can’t care for his mum you must not let her move in. Same for your mum.

In my experience councils can be incredibly reluctant to provide carers if there is anyone else they feasibly think they can palm it off on. Plenty of people who don’t even live with their parents have had to tell the council they are essentially abandoning them (their parents) in order to get care support.

If these ladies live with you you are liable to be considered someone who can care for them, whether you like it or not.

Hi I think she woukd be better going to warden control type sheltered accomidation types and some of them are rented and some are bought ones. The great thing about them is if she needs carers they offer that also many have restaurant onsite plus for her other people to talk to as many do activities . I stayed in one I am 44 as needed to move to a ground floor flat as hurt my legs any way the two months man alive I was like I wanna be here when older. This one had hairdresser they played bingo very competitively and they got their own online delivery shopping if they wished and led independent lives

So try to stop worrying, be absolutely clear that the annexe isn't going to happen and start researching alternatives instead

And if your DH mentions "cultural expectations" remind him that nobody can force you to do the caring - unless of course he prefers to give up his own job?

As said, the crucial point is to be utterly clear about what you will and won't do, because anything else will lead to "We'll give it a try just for a month", "She's absolutely promised to accept carers", "I've explained and she completely understands now" and all the rest

Both my Grandmothers ended up as widows and went into sheltered accommodation. They absolutely loved it! Kept their independence but help was on hand. Is that something you all could consider?

This. Look for a place where she can buy a flat but where meals, cleaning, shared social space and so on is available, close to you.

First parts absolutely and then because I’ve had my dm my MIL would be moving in after and she’s even worse and she would refuse carers. My dm for all her ills probably wouldn’t. MIL would. It makes me feel quite sick with worry thinking about it

Just saw this. You really need to get firm about this now and set expectations that MIL will not be moving in. This would absolutely be a divorcing issue for me if he insisted. No way should you give up your life for someone else’s very difficult mother. No way.

I said to her, I’ll spend my whole life being a carer and my children are so young, she broke down in tears and said she always had visions of dying alone..: so safe to say yes, she would want this of me

Oh my goodness. You cannot commit yourself to someone so inconsiderate of you. She will make things so difficult for you each and every day without a second thought about how it affects you. My mum is terrified of “being a burden”, as are most elderly people I think. The fact your mum is not is a huge red flag in terms of living with her.

I think you might be being blinded by the prospect of a better, cheaper house. But that’s not going to mean much to you if you effectively have no life for the next several decades.

I also strongly advise you to begin laying the groundwork now for your MIL not living with you either. You WILL end up doing all the care for her while your DH’s life goes on as normal. And she is his problem not yours.

You have one life. Don’t spend it in thankless service to people you have no obligation to. We get enough of that by having children!

I said to her, I’ll spend my whole life being a carer and my children are so young, she broke down in tears and said she always had visions of dying alone..: so safe to say yes, she would want this of me

I never doubted that for an instant, OP, and it's why an annexe would never work whether she was "difficult" or not. Picture her "just popping in" constantly with some new worry/illness and you'll quickly see why

I'd also forget any idea of her employing carers while you "carry on working", since someone who expects so much will almost certainly refuse them

What your mum did for her own parents/PILs has absolutely nothing to do with this; your primary responsibility is to your own family, and to my mind the only sensible option is a separate place nearby so that you cxan help as and when you choose but also have your own four walls to retreat to

Yes different to a retirement property - you don’t want one of those. Hence my McCarthy & Stone comment.

In the Assisted Living flat my DP have , the Housing Association buy it back so you don’t have to worry about selling it. Won’t get top market value as they calculate 1% of value per annum off the selling price for each year lived there but not a priority to get a quick sale. Will probably be cheaper than value of DM current property so will also free up some capital for your DM. As long as MIL qualifies she could move in but would need this agreed with the HA as a possibility - ( transfer of title etc.) but you ultimately sell it back to the HA. So no delays when winding up the estate. You couldn’t buy the property in your name as the person owing can’t have any other property in their name ( not even a villa in Portugal !)

Because it’s Assisted Living, you do need to be aware there will also be people living there who have disabilities / use wheelchairs / dementia etc. so not all fit active pensioners going on their 3rd cruise of the year !

You do need to do your homework to make sure you are comfortable with the terms of purchase & associated service costs but having been in your situation it proved to be the best option to keep DP safe , and my siblings and I keep our sanity - not be permanently stressed out with daily visits to a house at least 30 minutes away ( or in my case 4 hours ) and the late night / early morning calls for “urgent” issues.

Also meant we didn’t have to worry about missing visits / going on holiday etc. Well worth investigating but make sure you look at Assisted Living not retirement village / homes

How selfish of her! Left alone where she lives now she'll possibly die alone, but down here in a little bungalow near you or even better a sheltered accommodation flat that PP mentioned (my mum is in one and I highly recommend them) then you are most likely to be near her side when she passes anyway.

Would you impose yourself on YOUR children for 15 years just because you were scared that when your time came you 'might' be alone?? I know for certain I wouldn't. I'd rather die alone but happy in the knowledge that I'd raised children who'd led and good, happy independent lives.

We purchased a house from an elderly couple who were moving into a new property with their son who was also selling. They purchased a house with no chain and it all worked out in the end although exchange day was stressful. It can be done!