There’s no way this can work is there?

Apologies, I posted a very practical post without reading that actually you don’t want to live with her.

Why do you care so much about what “the community “ thinks? Where the fuck do you live that this is a thing? Move away!!!

You don’t have to live with anyone you don’t want to. Life is short.

My parents lived in a place owned by this association for the last 5 years of my dad's life.

www.housing21.org.uk

The one they specifically wanted to live in only had rentals so they rented a two bedroom flat. It was modern, clean, had an on-site manager during office hours, two lounges to mix with other residents in, a restaurant that did breakfasts and lunches, an on-site hairdressers and church. And this was in a deprived northern town. There was a social committee of some of the younger residents who organised regular social events with singers, bingo, quizzes, birthday parties, days out etc. There were also a team of carers based there so when they needed care it was easy to organise (for an extra cost) and when my dad was really ill they would do extra welfare checks on him as they were literally passing his door several times a day.

They loved it there as it was a real community. Mum couldn't carry on living there after dad died as she has dementia and can't live independently / needs supervision 24/7 so had to move to a care home.

@Pickledpicklez

This is the exact scenario that me and DH faced 20 years ago

We were moving 500 miles away, mum started crying that she would be alone dealing with Stepdad ( disabled ) no family , please let us come

I dont particularly like my mother so to me it was a really difficult decision

I wanted as a compromise, to buy two houses next door to each other, but nope, she was adamant she wanted to live with us

Took a lot of time and searching but we found a house that suited us all, mum and SD had three bedrooms, living room, two bathrooms, we had the same, the only shared space was the kitchen/diner

20 years down the road, SD has been dead 12 years, and mum is becoming frail, we are getting older, and our lives are not our own

We cant go on holiday. She refuses respite, says we are trying to get rid of her. I have to come home from work to cook a balanced meal so she gets fed adequately whereas quite often we want a curry/indian/wraps - ( foreign muck, too spicy etc) . We cant go away at Christmas, even a night out has to be planned well in advance. We had to build an outside "play room" so that we can entertain friends , listen to music, make a noise , have a row

And now we in our 60's are stuck with a huge house, with just 3 of us living in it

My wee sister has the same with her FIL, as she said to me, living the life of an 80+ year old when in your 50's/60's is no way to live. And its not.

We dont have children at home, you do. Do you want to be forever telling them to keep the noise down, be home before blah blah, not have their friends home making a noise and mess?

Could she live in your house temporarily? If so sell her house first then buy your combined house while selling yours. I would have loved to have my mum live with us, but it didn't happen which I regret.

Are 'the community and his family' going to care for her? No? They can have an opinion once they are, til then they can stfu.

She lives somewhere now I take it? If social housing she can move to social housing assisted living, if owned property it can be sold to pay for her to buy an assisted living place. Moving in with you isn't inevitable, unless you allow it to be.

Then I'm afraid it'll just have to be endured - the point being that they'll get over the initial horror in time, whereas if you took MIL in your own pain could last for decades and since your marriage could well be over anyway it would have been for nothing

This can sometimes be an issue in cross cultural relationships, but what's too often forgotten is that both cultures deserve equal consideration and not just the one which shouts loudest

If your mother in law is close enough as you say why can't she stay where she is and if time comes for carers then council will fund so much if no money and you could help a bit at her flat

I'd speak with a mortgage broker about the options.

Well made point about the difficulties of living together 24/7, however well you get on.
Have you considered sheltered housing near you? I helped my Dad sell his property and purchase a flat in a seniors development with a day time warden - he was sceptical at first, but had a stroke shortly after I'd suggested the idea.
He was there for five years, and remained far more independent that he would have done otherwise, and probably for a lot longer.

Well that's the issue then, not the two houses but that neither are on the market! Put them on the market and then you can view houses.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that your MIL has 'nothing'. Does she currently rent privately or SH? How far away does she currently live from you?

With regards to 'sheltered' SH there is some flexibility when it comes to allocation and 'family connections'. Harsh to say it, but that's because the 'turnover' of tenants is far more speedier than for housing families in need.

For obvious reasons.

So here’s my thinking now. Dm in time when she wants downsizes and when the time is right, assisted living closer to us

Makes perfect sense, OP

Regarding funding, your "affluent" DM will need to pay for it herself, just as anyone else with assets pays for their housing
Your MIL, on the other hand, will probably need a Social Services assessment to identify what they'll fund for her, and rather than the more desirable assisted living it could well be a council run care home

Good luck with your DH/MIL if they're told that, but it makes no difference to the fact it can't be forced onto you, even if DH goes behind your back and tells the assessors you're willing to do it

Found this info https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/housing-options/sheltered-housing/

I can’t stress this enough, DO NOT DO THIS.

Don't do it. Please don’t make the biggest mistake of your life living with your MIL.

Sheltered accommodation look more like flats not care homes just with added support if needed these ones for those that have no money like my mates dad who js old but got pip etc you don't buy you rent they in bradford however more expensive ones you can buy or rent

She’s only 75. My mum is 85 and active and completely independent. This all seems v premature.

One to one carers are extra.

If MIL can’t buy they do also rent the flats.

And with your latest post OP then you clearly have a DH problem; not quite divorce-inducing, LTB territory, but if the 'cultural expectations' of recent years has been that you've been living together along more UK-based cultural expectations then he's on the back foot with changing the 'expectations' to suit his DM's needs along 'cultural' lines.

I bought a house from someone who was selling along with his mother to buy a house with an annexe. It’s not such an unusual situation.

I don’t understand why it’s problematic for you. Have you tried various agents?

Maybe depends on area if waiting list but sure is for my mate who now has her dad living with her in bradford and they r don't know when availability for sheltered acvomkdation this has been ongoing since last year

Doesn't matter about an annexe. You said "We don’t have the bedrooms, and I just can’t. I honestly can’t, she’s too much. She’s got a lot of opinions and shares them, there’s also just no space, I don’t think it’s fair on DH to have her just there all the time,"

You do not want to live together. You will resent her. Caring for a difficult elderly relative is not worth risking a happy marriage for. And a parent should not expect it. I get the feeling you're only doing this because your husband wants to do the same with his parent(s) at some point and there is the possibility of a bigger home along the line.

Sorry, you should be realistic now. Your mother can consider moving to a smaller, supported housing situation nearby and you can maintain your own life, have another child and enjoy your married life. Nobody loses in that scenario.