There’s no way this can work is there?

Who won't let you view a house? Why do they need to know you have 2 houses to sell?

It doesn't matter what his culture is, you don't have to agree to either his or your Mum living with you

Sure. Not Tory specific - just another way of delivering social / assisted living housing

How does your MIL manage everyday life when she doesn't speak English?

Sorry just realised the part you wrote at the end, yes that’s why we got 6 wks care for my nans husband because she was in hospital & SS deemed our priority was her care. So it’s the same situation, whilst she was in hospital they had someone take over her caring responsibilities to him but once she came out of hospital either she needed to resume his care or we needed to do it to support her. We couldn’t get any care for her as we were expected to be her carers if she still needed care. I hope that makes a little more sense lol

The "elderly mindset" is the biggie here

SD did have heart problems and ended up having a heart attack on a flight from Oz, plane diverted to Germany , 2 months there - blah blah - and he put himself in a chair and let mum fetch and carry . When he popped his clogs, she moved into his chair. And now expects me to fetch and carry

Shes 86 and yes she does have age related problems but is as fit as a flea otherwise. Yet she sits seizing up, her life getting smaller and smaller by the year

She isnt poorly enough to get social services and refuses to pay for any "Ive paid my taxes" and I cant afford to. I have POA in place but she is still of sound mind so I cant force her hand ( she can afford ) plus there is the guilt card - "you just want to put me away "

Her parents were dead by their mid 60's, as were all her aunties and uncles so I get that she feels she is old. But Im the age of my grandparents and I feel so young and still want to live a life. Theres me and him fighting to keep ourselves fit and out of the GP's and fit to be caring for our 2 yo grandson and go on fairground rides, play footie in the garden, go to theme parks

Its not easy. Family is family and blood as they say is thicker then water and there is also cultural pressure to care for our elders

I now live in a part of the country where whole families live within the same few roads, daughters living next door to their mummies, sisters and brothers along the road, whole flipping roads taken up with one family , and admitting its pretty shit isnt the done thing so sorry if Ive allowed my own frustrations to overtake your thread

Seriously think about your family, you and dh, your children, they have to come first

I’m sorry, I’m not sure about minimum distances but the fact my mum lived so close was used against us. They wouldn’t provide any care whatsoever for my nan & would only give 6 wks care for my nan’s husband as he’s not dad/grandad to us & they deemed our care needs to be for my nan who is biologically related to us. After the 6 weeks we haven’t been able to get any care for either of them & it’s now down to us to look after both of them. If I was the only one, as I live over 60 miles away we would have gotten some care but because my mum is there we can’t. They said in future if my mum passed & I still lived further away then & my nan still needed care then I could apply again at a later date. Sorry I can’t give you more info

To add: there may be a 15 year age gap, but life can be unpredictable

a situation where you are caring for both is more likely than not IMO: prepare for that

@Pickledpicklez : thanks for commenting

The expectations of the older community in Asian cultures can be so unfair: this is one reason so many asian women don’t marry in the community I am sure

With this context: try all you can to NOT have your DM in with you but in a small property close by (ideally 5 min in the car) - you might be there multiple times a day. It avoids a precedent for your MIL

This also allows you to push back to SS on being a carer if need arises in future: you have to refuse for them to provide care

Re your DMIL : if you are in an area with an Asian community, there are now homes with Asian food etc: and it’s becoming more acceptable. The reality is you would not be able to provide serious care (to either DM or DMIL) and maintain a FT job: seeing friends now they are really struggling

You need to make sure you do nothing for your DM that you would not do for your DMIL, or in 10-15 years your DH is likely to be pushing that in your face

I didn’t want an Asian MIL so didn’t marry an Asian man. My own mother expects her son (AND my DSis as my brother isn’t married) to give up their own lives to look after her

The Idea of ‘not being a burden’ is so alien to the culture

But bear in mind, a few generations ago in a joint Asian family you’d have had your MIL and a couple of SILs helping with childcare, chores, and money - and splitting thd elder care lately with the siblings and all your kids

Now you don’t get the help with your kids but are expected to do the caring : and you are right that many act like they are ancient from late 50s - but live to late 90s

Put those boundaries up now or your life will get swallowed up : and zero thanks or appreciation

Sorry, yes basically because there was immediate family (my mum & myself) & because she lived so close. I even explained about me living further away so I couldn’t support often so their option was for my mum to do some days & me to the others. They said as she was literally next door then she can just pop in throughout the day easily

I am Indian origin and my siblings have bought an appropriate house to accommodate my (widowed) DM when the time comes, I get it OP re ‘cultural issues/what will people say’ etc

That said, I think you need to think very carefully about what you would be taking on, especially with both your DM & MIL, impact on your life, your kids etc

I chose not to find a partner in my community to avoid this so I see it as a big thing!

First: your DM: she needs to be closer to you, but it doesn’t need to be an annexe

I would get her to sell her house, gift you a large deposit, and short term rent somewhere small & cheap (1 bed) v close to you, this means you can look for some appropriate housing OR sheltered accommodation/a flat for her

i get the annexe idea : and bear in mind you can create one (I have in my house - I can pm you if you want info)

you can also

• buy a house and give your mum ground floor while you go into loft & have an upstairs sitting room
• look for a house with a semi basement
• house with extension you can convert
• house with a cabin etc on premises

You have to balance the pros and cons of them living with you vs other options - eg a distant care home would be a nightmare

I would start soon as in 70s/80s health can change quickly, and buying the right house could easily be a 2 year process (year for your DM to sell, year or more to find house for you)

Re your MIL: look at all options, especially if you can get SS to fund

Will your DH accept your DM living in your house but not his DM if she was taken ill??? This might be a reason for your DM not to be with you if you can do it

It sounds like your DH expects you to care for both: it us is easy for those from other cultures to say ‘refuse’ but in reality that will create a lot of tension in your marriage (even if you need to refuse /push back on SS!)

Where are DH’s siblings in all this? Is he an only son? Did he receive bulk of the family inheritance (in which case the expectation for him to look after his widowed DM is the ‘price’).

My mum & nan live next door to each other (in rented over 55s housing association flats) for info my mum is 59 my nan 77, my nan’s husband is 85. My nan was very active (literally dancing on chairs down the local pub type of active 🤣). She tripped over her own feet going for a ciggy & broke her hip, got an infection in hospital & now has a colostomy bag. SS wouldn’t help with anything during her recovery. Both me & my mum are disabled, I have two spinal diseases & arthritis in my hips & cannot walk more than a few paces, my mum has a similar condition although not as bad (I also live 65 miles away from them). We needed help to care for my nans husband as obviously she couldn’t do it anymore & we needed help to care for her once she came out of hospital. Social services wouldn’t give us anything, no carers nothing at all & said it was up to us.

i had the battle of my life getting financial suppprt to get carers for him. They gave us twice a day for 6 weeks & nothing at all for my nan. We are run ragged, it’s hell trying to look after them. My nan is much better now but still needs help & my mum regrets moving next door to them. She thought it would make things easier to be able to pop
rpund but still have their independence. But now my nan has gotten used to her helping out she expects more & more & more. My mum is at breaking point. I’m having to go over & stay 2 nights a week & drag myself about in a wheelchair to help them. My son is also disabled & has SEN & my husband is struggling with the extra he has to do. It’s affecting all of us so much, my mum said if she knew how much was going to be put on her she never would have moved so close, and they have their own separate flats not even living together. Just think long & hard about how life is going to look spending the next 30 years caring & having no space away for yourself & what would potentially happen if you had a child that also needed care on top of that too.

we’re now trying to fight for a care home for my nana husband to take off some pressure & when the time comes my nan too. We always said we never put our family into care but now we’ve actually become their carers we realise how ridiculously naive we were. Sorry for the essay

And these are the things you have to keep in mind

Now my DH doesn't mind my mother, he is the one who sits and chats to her, over the years my relationship has broken down so much with her that she sees me as the maid

Look, I wouldn't harm a flea, I would never let my mother suffer.I sit up the hospital half the night with her when theres nowt really wrong but shes got herself into a paddy , I will make sure she has her drops, her meds, I take her to appointments , I crack open the milk and juices so she can access them, when we refitted the kitchen/diner we widened the doors, put drawers in instead of cupboards so she could reach for plates, cups etc, changed the cooker for induction so no leaving hobs on, changed one of the bathrooms to a wet room - blah blah blah , every improvement to our home is done for an elder - going to be a PITA when we need to sell

But the truth is, I resent her being here. I resent that we ( dh and I ) always have to put her first and that resentment has built up over the years

Me and DH went through a very bad time , so bad we were living apart. But how could we split, sell and move on when she had contributed to the purchase? Where was she going? So we had no option, we are still together, and its not all bad between us, but I think that maybe we shouldn't be, we should have been able to have the choice , the oppertunity

If you cant see a way of her not living with you, make sure any annexe is completely separate -own rates etc or buy next door to each other

All depends on the market, really.

When we sold our London place 8 years ago we said chain free only and we had three offers in the first week (plus a 4th from someone who, it turned out, had a chain but offered over asking, which we turned down). If they're having to slash the price, that might be a sign the market isn't favourable, but it might also be a sign that they are desperate to sell quickly, so chain free v. important. Having bought and sold in another country where chains are very unusual, I'm a rigid convert to the no chains approach. I now find the UK process quite byzantine.

But regardless of my take on that! Just be glad it's given you pause for thought and may help you avoid a huge mistake. Agree with all the PPs telling you that even with an annex, moving someone who "isn't easy" into your home is a huge sacrifice that you will likely regret making.

Sale completed or just SSTC? I wouldn't let anyone view without being SSTC.