There’s no way this can work is there?

We looked at this for my parents. In the end we moved to a house we liked, then bought one for them 5 minutes away. It was much simpler that way.

What would happen if the carer didn't turn up, some kind of intimate care was needed and she said she wanted you over him because you're a fellow woman?

dh wouldn’t let it be a council ran care home, and the backlash from the community and his family would be well biblical

'Wouldn't let it' how? Is he going to pay for a private care home place then?

Would your DH expect you to provide personal care to his mum, or would he do most of the caring?

This thread was posted by someone whose mother lives in an annexe that they have built for her and she still isn't happy. Her daughter goes and sits with her for at least an hour every evening but that isn't enough.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5169147-am-i-being-a-terrible-daughter-or-does-mum-expect-too-much?postsby=Snoozyq

Op I just want to say I can completely understand how difficult this must be to navigate. Between trying to balance cultures, plan ahead kids, working etc..
That said, this is so much more than just a toxic parent. Your mum was abusive and has already said she expects you to have no boundaries. I'm concerned that even encouraging her to live nearer to you might be detrimental to your mental health and therefore family.
It's hard to be the one who breaks the generational cycles but for your children, you need to consider what life will be like with her near. Constant phonecalls, expectations to spend the weekends, pressure to also see during the week, this will continue and ramp up the more support she needs. As someone who's been in a similar situation everything she does will be a trigger for you, not because of how you are now but because the memories she brings back from childhood.

If you have done therapy, you're healed and capable of putting boundaries in place and not relenting under any pressure then ok but consider how all of this will impact your family. As much as society tells us we owe our parents, we owe abusive people nothing. People are so quick to say "why didn't she leave" but when they're a parent it's "you should forgive because they're blood".

Having a parent who is stressed over work, caring requirements and constantly tense over a parent is very difficult as a child and I say that from experience.

Whatever happens I wish you the best that it will work out x

So you could end up with your mum in an annexe and your MIL moving into your home with you?

Would you be OK with this?

Bad idea, unless you want to spend the next 10, 20, 30 years exhausting yourself caring for your elderly parent 24/7 as well as small children.

More sensible would be for her to move into supported living or buy a small flat somewhere closer to you.

OP I’m so pleased you’ve realised this, and it sounds like the thread has helped you clarify your thinking too. I think it’s really hard when there are expectations on you, but you’re right you can’t do things where it could damage your own MH, and this could especially be the case if your DM was abusive and is difficult.

Just out of curiosity, have you and DH had detailed conversations about what help/roles you would take on caring wise if the worst happened (I think you said if it really came to it your DM would move in?) I imagine it’s hard but think it’d be worth having these conversations well in advance. I don’t think my DM and DF did before my grandparents moved in and I think it caused a lot of tension in their marriage later on.

This is a great point. A 15 year gap isn't sufficient for anyone to assume DM will have no need of care by the time the issue of MIL moving in is raised.

OK, well looks like your choice is to risk either that or being the one who changes her incontinence pads for years. Your preference. I know you said she doesn't speak English so would be difficult for you to be her carer, but see how much that matters if the need arises.

In all honesty if I had had to do this for my father - I would have done. We got on like a house on fire and communicated well.

I would have brought a house with land enough to place a static caravan in the garden. Seriously we have a static caravan park nearby to us now and its full of older people 65+ the homes are warm, cosy and easy to make luxury little palaces to live in.

It would solve your problem of having to sell both homes at once
https://www.omar.co.uk/buying-guide/buying-for-your-own-land/buying-for-your-own-land-planning-guidance-residential-annexe/

You can pick up a static caravan from between £25k to £60k

This ^

You put your home up for sale and buy somewhere bigger etc if that is what you want to do

Your mother sells her property and buys or rents a property near to you in sheltered accommodation. That way keeps her independence and you stay tolerant of each other. Living with a parent, even in an annex isn't a great idea unless you really really get on very well

Caring for an elderly parent needs a village too!!

Which is all very well if a "village" is available, @DaringlyDizzy, which TBF can be pretty common among asian families

Unfortunately in OP's it seems this isn't the case and that all the care would fall to her - and her DH's claim that he'd bear the brunt can safely be ignored, since it's almost unthinkable that a man from this culture would carry out intimate tasks for his DM/MIL even if he was around 24/7

But if OP has her mum live with her, her DH will.expect the MIL to too. So it's both or neither. And by your logic MIL isn't owed.

I don't agree children have a duty to care for their parents. I'd never want my children to feel beholden to me to the detriment of their own lives, I want them to be happy and live the lives they choose. OP doesn't want to spend her entire life as a carer, and that's a reasonable thing to not want.

Im not talking about MIL. Im taking about her DM

And its not about holding it over your children! But there is give and take. Children have a duty too. And yes, caring for parents is a duty!

Maybe read the thread.

You don't know what OPs mother did or didn't do for her, and even if she was the best mother in the world it doesn't give her the right to OPs time or home. Do people really have children to hold it over them later? That's depressing to me, your children didn't ask you to have them, that wasn't the deal.

And what we know of OPs MIL is she has never worked, didn't provide for her child and he went hungry and without proper clothes as a child, and she refused to help OPs family with one day of childcare. Why does OP owe her housing or care, under your logic?

OP can do it IF she wants to but nobody has to care for anyone but their own children.
We don't actually know if OP's Mum did any of those things either

So??

God these threads depress me. OP's mother cared for her as a baby and raised her. Loved her. Worked hard for her. And now she is old and needs caring for. Why shouldnt the kids help? Why not? So what if its hard? Life is sometimes hard!! Newborns are hard!!! Still do it? When mothers have children we say it needs a village... so caring for an elderly parent needs a village too!!