Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rage with a colleague

119 replies

Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 16:02

Need to let off some steam and see if IABU as the red mist has descended.

I am one of 3 directors in a team. The other two directors are male and older. I am the most junior director but I am not new - I have worked with them for over 10 years and was made director over 3 years ago. We have a team PA who works for all of us.

We have time sensitive deadlines on a regular basis which involve filing things using an online portal. Think HMRC or similar (trying not to be too outing). Usually the PA does all the online filings for us all. She is off on holiday today, but she has sent all of us, numerous times before, the login details for the portal and step by step instructions on how to file things with it. It is very straightforward. I have filed things myself on many other occasions when she was been away.

One of the other directors in the team has never filed anything himself. He is not as IT literate as me, but he’s not a dinosaur. He is about 50 and appears to have no difficulty conducting his personal affairs online. On a few occasions before when our PA has been away, he has asked me or other junior members of the team to file things for him. Last time he asked me, which was probably 6 months or so ago, I did it begrudgingly but got a bit shirty with him and re-sent him the instructions our PA had previously sent.

Today he sent me a sheepish email asking me to file something and said he knows he needs to learn how but he just unfortunately can’t do it because he’s so busy.

I’m afraid I saw red and called him and said I was not going to file it for him but that I would show him how to do it. He said couldn’t I do it and show him on Monday and I said no, I would send him the login details and instructions (again!) and if he was having any trouble following them then he should phone me back and share his screen and I would talk him through it. He said fine and he was too busy to discuss it so I hung up.

WIBU to not do it for him? I think I get so annoyed because he always makes out like he’s so busy but guess what, we all are! And he always asks me - the female director - never the other male director and I’m a bloody director, not his PA. But then I wonder if I am perhaps being over sensitive because he has generally been winding me up recently with his general lack of respect for other people’s time 😡

OP posts:
FloofPaws · 04/10/2024 18:45

Good for you! Don't back down when the weekend is over - tell
Them
Both you're not their girl Friday you're on an equal footing and they need to sort themselves out - don't be shy

sharpclawedkitten · 04/10/2024 18:38

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:35

@titticaca Sorry, but I'm not a jobsworth and if I'm part of a team, I would help out any colleague if a deadline needed to be met, no matter how much it irritated me. But then there is nothing Mumsnet hates more than a man is there 🙄

Asa pp said, he didn't want help, he wanted the OP to do it for him. Not the same.

sharpclawedkitten · 04/10/2024 18:37

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:24

I think he sounds useless and lazy but I think your were being petty and I would have helped him, especially as if he wasn't able to file whatever the very outing document was, it could ultimately reflect on you as a co director.

That is what they bank on.

No. HIs job, his mess if he doesn't do it.

sharpclawedkitten · 04/10/2024 18:34

Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 17:15

Thank you everyone 🙏🏻 I was just doubting myself for a moment when I made the thread but it’s clear I was NOT unreasonable and if we don’t stand up for ourselves in these sorts of situations they’ll just keep walking all over us!

Totally. It's called "non promotable work". They (the penis-owners) think they are too important to do it and women end up doing it. And if women push back, they are miserable and not team players.

See https://www.thenoclub.com/

The No Club

The No Club: Putting a Stop to Women’s Dead-End Work A practical, timely guide for bringing gender equity to the workplace: unburden women’s careers from work that goes unrewarded.

https://www.thenoclub.com

spicysugar · 04/10/2024 18:30

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/10/2024 17:49

I assume you don’t condone this sort of sexist behaviour, @Growlybear83 - so how is the culture ever going to change if people don’t take a (polite but firm) stand against it, as @Squidgemoon did?

Just doing it, being a ‘team player’, will only perpetuate this sort of behaviour.

Show quote history

This.

It's exactly why this kind of thing is perpetuated.

And isn't it fascinating how only women are supposed to be team players while the men get on with doing all the important stuff.

Sethera · 04/10/2024 18:29

daisychain01 · 04/10/2024 18:03

1000000%

Show quote history

Yep!

k1233 · 04/10/2024 18:28

Next time, throw busy back at him. "I'd love to help but I'm really busy with a pressing deadline. Here's the instructions, yell if you get stuck." Repeat every time he asks.

Pusheen467 · 04/10/2024 18:20

LadyLapsang · 04/10/2024 18:09

Over the years colleagues of both sexes have helped me out with IT issues and some of the young - middle aged guys have been the sweetest, most patient. In turn, I am happy to share my knowledge, they often joke they get the best part of the deal.

That's great but he doesn't want help, he wants her to do it for him every time because he thinks it's beneath him.

RawBloomers · 04/10/2024 18:18

LadyLapsang · 04/10/2024 18:09

Over the years colleagues of both sexes have helped me out with IT issues and some of the young - middle aged guys have been the sweetest, most patient. In turn, I am happy to share my knowledge, they often joke they get the best part of the deal.

This isn’t an IT issue. It’s an admin issue. One that OP hasn’t offered to help with and doesn’t want to.

FreshStart2025 · 04/10/2024 18:15

You totally did the right thing!

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 18:13

NetZeroZealot · 04/10/2024 18:03

Well done OP. So many men like this in my business too.
Can't be bothered to read the instructions when it's easier to ask a woman to do it.

Thing is, I hate instructions too. I’m ND and my brain just wants to switch off when confronted by instructions and manuals. But that’s entirely my problem, I can’t off load it to the nearest woman at work.

LadyLapsang · 04/10/2024 18:09

Over the years colleagues of both sexes have helped me out with IT issues and some of the young - middle aged guys have been the sweetest, most patient. In turn, I am happy to share my knowledge, they often joke they get the best part of the deal.

NetZeroZealot · 04/10/2024 18:03

Well done OP. So many men like this in my business too.
Can't be bothered to read the instructions when it's easier to ask a woman to do it.

daisychain01 · 04/10/2024 18:03

Downplayit · 04/10/2024 17:56

👏👏👏👏👏👏

1000000%

Downplayit · 04/10/2024 17:56

👏👏👏👏👏👏

MassiveOvaryaction · 04/10/2024 17:56

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:35

@titticaca Sorry, but I'm not a jobsworth and if I'm part of a team, I would help out any colleague if a deadline needed to be met, no matter how much it irritated me. But then there is nothing Mumsnet hates more than a man is there 🙄

Did you miss the bit where @Squidgemoon said she had in fact done it for him before? As well as sending him instructions?

daisychain01 · 04/10/2024 17:54

But then there is nothing Mumsnet hates more than a man is there

Let me just modify that for you....

But then there is nothing Mumsnet hates more than a misogynistic, back in the Stone Age man is there

JudgieJudie · 04/10/2024 17:54

I had this where my manager employed 2 useless people and wanted me to train them over and over again - they still never got it. I refused to do their work in the end and had to leave because of the stress

FerienInLipizza · 04/10/2024 17:52

HelplessSoul · 04/10/2024 16:28

He sounds like a fucking useless cunt TBH.

Nutshell

daisychain01 · 04/10/2024 17:51

HelplessSoul · 04/10/2024 16:28

He sounds like a fucking useless cunt TBH.

I'm thinking weaponised incompetence rather than being useless.

he absolutely does know how to do the online filing, he just enjoys rubbing it in that the OP is there to boss about and pass the dull admin jobs to.

@Squidgemoon you're a legend, well done for pushing back. I had to do similar this week, it has a feel good factor about it, telling a misogynist where to go.

JudgieJudie · 04/10/2024 17:50

Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 16:02

Need to let off some steam and see if IABU as the red mist has descended.

I am one of 3 directors in a team. The other two directors are male and older. I am the most junior director but I am not new - I have worked with them for over 10 years and was made director over 3 years ago. We have a team PA who works for all of us.

We have time sensitive deadlines on a regular basis which involve filing things using an online portal. Think HMRC or similar (trying not to be too outing). Usually the PA does all the online filings for us all. She is off on holiday today, but she has sent all of us, numerous times before, the login details for the portal and step by step instructions on how to file things with it. It is very straightforward. I have filed things myself on many other occasions when she was been away.

One of the other directors in the team has never filed anything himself. He is not as IT literate as me, but he’s not a dinosaur. He is about 50 and appears to have no difficulty conducting his personal affairs online. On a few occasions before when our PA has been away, he has asked me or other junior members of the team to file things for him. Last time he asked me, which was probably 6 months or so ago, I did it begrudgingly but got a bit shirty with him and re-sent him the instructions our PA had previously sent.

Today he sent me a sheepish email asking me to file something and said he knows he needs to learn how but he just unfortunately can’t do it because he’s so busy.

I’m afraid I saw red and called him and said I was not going to file it for him but that I would show him how to do it. He said couldn’t I do it and show him on Monday and I said no, I would send him the login details and instructions (again!) and if he was having any trouble following them then he should phone me back and share his screen and I would talk him through it. He said fine and he was too busy to discuss it so I hung up.

WIBU to not do it for him? I think I get so annoyed because he always makes out like he’s so busy but guess what, we all are! And he always asks me - the female director - never the other male director and I’m a bloody director, not his PA. But then I wonder if I am perhaps being over sensitive because he has generally been winding me up recently with his general lack of respect for other people’s time 😡

What a twat asking you. Did he ask the other bloke director? I bet not!

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 17:49

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:48

Why does it matter who does it so long as the deadline is met?

@CountryCob Im afraid that I’ve never worked in an office where anyone has suggested putting up a Christmas tree.

Show quote history

No one is this naive. You know exactly why he’s asking the woman to help him and not the man.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/10/2024 17:49

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:44

Of course I have. I’ve not got to nearly 67 and not experienced that type of behaviour.

Show quote history

I assume you don’t condone this sort of sexist behaviour, @Growlybear83 - so how is the culture ever going to change if people don’t take a (polite but firm) stand against it, as @Squidgemoon did?

Just doing it, being a ‘team player’, will only perpetuate this sort of behaviour.

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 17:49

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:35

@titticaca Sorry, but I'm not a jobsworth and if I'm part of a team, I would help out any colleague if a deadline needed to be met, no matter how much it irritated me. But then there is nothing Mumsnet hates more than a man is there 🙄

In my company, you get help once. If you need help again, you’re expected to refer to the instructions provided.

If someone repeatedly needs help (without a good reason but because they thi k they’re above the work) then they won’t get ahead.

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:48

MyTaupeHare · 04/10/2024 17:46

So get the male director to "help out"!

Show quote history

Why does it matter who does it so long as the deadline is met?

@CountryCob Im afraid that I’ve never worked in an office where anyone has suggested putting up a Christmas tree.