To not want to go to the airport 3 hours before?

My DH and I have this difference in reverse. I like to get there early, mooch around the shops, have a drink , read my book, stroll to the gates etc. He thinks he is winning at life to get there last minute and sprint to the gate as it is closing. It's a bonus if they are calling him on the tannoy.

The easiest way for us to get to our local (massive) airport is to take the train so I often leave an hour ahead of him and see him at the gate.

He's improved a bit since a situation last year when we took a taxi to the airport (too much luggage for the train). An accident shut down the M25 to the point that people were getting out of their cars and walking around, peeing on the hard shoulder etc. What should have been a 35 minute journey took nearly 2 hours. Only the fact that I had paid extra for priority checkin and fast track security enabled us to literally run through the airport and catch it with minutes to spare. There were quite a few empty seats indicating other people hadn't been as lucky as us.

He admitted that during our wait on the motorway he had been calculating how much it was going to cost us to book another flight and possibly then fly to join our cruise ship at the next port. It ran into thousands. He is a bit more cautious now.

Okay. The marriage would be over if my husband acted like that.

How far away is the airport? What is the likelihood of travel delays, trains cancelled, road accidents etc?

We're 90 minutes away from our "local" international airport, Manchester, and you'd be insane to set off 3.5 hours before a flight, to "assume" only 90 minutes travel and then the two hours to get through the airport. Trains are often cancelled/severely delayed so are pretty unreliable. The roads are a nightmare with congestion, motorway closures, accidents, etc. Out of the last, say, 10 flights we've taken from Manchester, probably only one or two have seen us get there within the 90 minutes allowed - sometimes the journey alone can take twice that, and then you have the lottery as to whether you get through security in 15 minutes or 90 minutes (depends on how many scanners they have open!).

Personally, I always allow 3 hours AT the airport to give an extra hour to cover travel delays etc.

I'm in the early camp, but is what time you go to the airport the actual issue? If the problem is more that he has a my way or the highway/like it or lump it attitude about this things in general, then YANBU to wonder if he is always going to want you to be the one to compromise and go along with what he wants. If he genuinely doesn't care that you will go when you want and he will go when he wants, or if there are things that you both compromise on, then I don't really see why you wouldn't just indulge him on this thing.

It’s not overdramatic at all.

Having a neurodiverse brain means that your brain is wired differently to others people. What is simple to a neurotypical person is not so simple for a neurodivergent person. He can’t bear to be late and that’s ok. It’s easier for you to compromise than it is for him. You need to understand that.

I’m not neurodivergent, but I am an early bird. I can’t relax until I am through security and am sitting in the airport lounge. Then I can switch off and start to enjoy my day. I always plan my family’s travels so that we arrive in plenty of time and my family understand my need for this as they know I can’t relax if I’m late. If I were neurodivergent it would be worse.

Try to see it from his side and try to be accommodating of his needs.

He needs to get away from you now. Even the tone you write that in not just the words you use "because he's on the spectrum"

You are the kind of person I dread my autistic son ending up with.

I think 2-3 hours is normal. If he’d said 4 hours I wouldn’t be happy and try to get him to compromise, but 3 hours is fine. I don’t think he’s being unreasonable really. Why not be flexible - it’s only an hour. As you say, he’s on the spectrum and probably finds it harder to be flexible than you do.

This is another of those 'nobody right, nobody wrong' situations. There's nothing wrong with you NOT wanting to wait 3 hours, there's nothing wrong with him wanting to. And neither of you has to compromise if you don't want to.

But it IS a situation of needing to consider whether or not this person is right for you or you for him. Because yes, he will always want to be early, possibly earlier than you consider reasonable or necessary. And because of his ADHD he may not be willing or even able to compromise. Again, he doesn't have to nor do you. So you do need to have a serious discussion with him about his 'uber-earliness' vs your 'I have plenty of time' attitudes. And then both of you need to consider whether or not this is something either of you want to live with.

Personally, I wouldn't want to feel rushed into leaving earlier than I wanted to, but nor would I want to feel anxious because I was worried we weren't going to make it on time.

I'm always a 'rather be an hour early than five minutes late' kind of person. Lateness in general makes me very anxious even though I'm usually quite relaxed about most other things. When we travel by plane, we have to take a train to a central city station then more public transport to the airport. We live quite rurally so trains to the city are once an hour and are frequently cancelled.

Even though my husband would be happy to risk a later train, he will always agree to getting to the airport early as he knows it's something I would worry about. When we get there we potter, read, chat. It's a small price to pay really and part of the holiday excitement. Much better than risking missing a flight 🙈

Obviously yes, but if they’re behaving ridiculously you have every right to call them out on it.

And then she won't be late, they'll both get on the plane fine, and now they know how to do it next time.

Which airport and is it likely to be a busy time to fly? I never used to be a turn up 3 hours before person, but the last couple of years have changed the game a bit. I've been in airports that were barely functioning, post covid.

It's not a waste of time when you get held up in traffic and miss your flight, which has happened to me.

You need to be there about two hours before anyway, so realistically it's only an additional hour to cover hold ups.

We now get there early, get something to eat or drink, and make to part of our holiday.

Preferable to being stressed when you're having to rush!

I always lan on arriving at least 3 hours before….you just never know what hold ups there will be…..I wouldn’t compromise on this….you will have to decide what’s important to you in a relationship I guess

You don't sound very caring. Do you actually like him?

No it doesnt

But getting to the airport for 3 hours before the flight is not a hill to die on.

What else is going on, this is not a single thing that is annoying you

Why should you go when he wants? Why should he go when you want? Travelling with other people is often a bit of a compromise. Go early if he’s anxious. It’s an hour you’re arguing about. It will pass quickly enough over a coffee or something to eat.

💯

I was going to suggest this. We were delayed recently by a couple of hours and it made a huge difference to our airport experience when we realised we were eligible to go in!

Personally DH always wants to leave plenty of time/be early for things and I struggle with that but it stresses him out so much when we're rushing that it's not worth it for me. It's about give and take though as DH puts up with other things that I do that he might not like.

So to answer another question you asked on whether his needs trump yours then absolutely not generally speaking, in this case surely a suitable compromise is improving your airport experience.

I fly about 4 times a year and have never missed a flight or been in a rush to get to the gate. For short haul, hand luggage only, usually leave 1.5 hours. Honestly, it’s fine (unless it’s school holidays or a Friday, then sensible to leave slightly longer).

You love and respect your partner?

Just compromise - you go early so he's not stressed, he pays for a lounge so you're not stressed

This is what we almost always do

If you seriously can't work this one out there's not much hope for your relationship!

(& you do know if there's traffic and you miss the flight you will never hear the end of it!)

Have you suggested that to him then?

It's 1 hour out of your life and you're moaning about it. God you're hard work.