Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to the airport 3 hours before?

529 replies

JennaRink · 04/10/2024 14:33

Since we started dating he has always been strict about time keeping. Was always very early to our dates and he's on the spectrum.

We are going for a long weekend next week, the flight is 2 hours. He says he wants to go 3 hours before the flight.

I don't want to do this. I haven't come from a family that spent 3 hours in the airport and I never go earlier than 2. I see it as a waste of time.

But it seems ridiculous not to go together. On the other hand, why should I agree to go at his time?

OP posts:
Demonhunter · 04/10/2024 16:20

VickyEadieofThigh · 04/10/2024 16:15

Indeed! find it remarkable that some people appear to think that autism is something a person can 'get over' by becoming an adult.

Show quote history

If it was something unreasonable he was asking, I'd say OP was correct to draw early boundaries and know that unreasonable behaviour or requests were just that. However, moaning over an hour when travelling, which can make a difference to ease the anxiety of someone you're meant to love, regardless of their having ASD or not, seems unreasonable and totally alien to me.

Livelaughlurgy · 04/10/2024 16:20

My Dh gets stressed out about airports. Left up to me we'd be last minute. I appreciate that his needs in this instance trumps my preferences. I will not tolerate him snapping at me at the airport though. If I'm there early I want a drink, I want a browse and I want a mooch. So I won't be walking to the gate as soon as humanely possible- and I'm happy to split up in the airport if we need to. Or walk away from him if he's getting too stressed and taking it out on me but I'm happy to try mitigate that by getting to the airport early, checking my passport 12 times, printing my boarding pass and having my liquids sorted in advance. Unfortunately it's all one sided, because I'm perfect so he never has to make accommodations for me.

CautiousLurker · 04/10/2024 16:20

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 16:18

What are you on about? No one said that.

Show quote history

you implied it - he is being rigid about timeframes because he has autism rooted anxiety, that OP is not prepared to accomodate. This is ALL we know about him, yet you are advising her to dump him because she can do better than him. How is that not ableist?

yorktown · 04/10/2024 16:20

Is the three hours before a fairly sure time you'd get there or is it allowing contingency? (I'm more than 2 hours from Heathrow, so always allow contingency if flying from there)
If you are close to the airport, I'd just meet him there two hours before. You are presumably going to have to do this on the way back as well.

ThisBlueCrab · 04/10/2024 16:19

Depends on which airport you arr flying from surely.

Birmingham are telling passengers to be there super early sue to the refurbished works causing chaos.

I would far rather be early then risk being late. And for the sake of half an hour given you are happy to compromise at 2.5 hours I think you are being a but ridiculous. It strikes of hearing an issue just for the sake of it.

mathanxiety · 04/10/2024 16:19

JennaRink · 04/10/2024 14:46

So will his wants always trump mine because he's on the spectrum? That's the real question.

Show quote history

No, they shouldn't.

He should understand that you have equally valid needs and wants too.

If he needs to be there three hours before the flight but this doesnt work for you, then he should suck it up and go alone, and maybe save you a seat at the gate.

You can also make your own way there.

You are separate people with separate needs.

As long as you're not the sort of person who makes it to the airport with five minutes to spare, you'll both be fine.

An alternative suggestion would be for you to do the three hour wait on the outbound leg of every trip, and he does the two hour wait on the return trip. My guess is he would sit miserably in the hotel lobby fretting for half a day until you left, though, so maybe this wouldnt be workable.

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 16:19

mathanxiety · 04/10/2024 16:13

Go separately even if it's inconvenient.

Don't pander to his anxiety.

Show quote history

Agreed 💯

MiddleAgedDread · 04/10/2024 16:18

oh I hear ya! I'm flying for the first time with my bf shortly and I think he'll be like this too. I'm a "get out of bed 3 hours before the flight" sort of person. We live close by that traffic worries shouldn't be an issue and I just hate hanging around longer than I need to. On the plus side, i think he has lounge access through his credit card so I might be persuaded to indulge him on this one.

Original poster
JennaRink · 04/10/2024 16:18

Itisjustmyopinion · 04/10/2024 16:16

We have friends who are a couple who travel separately to the airport and meet at the gate. This is because one is like the OP and one is like her partner

Because it doesn’t make a difference if they go together or not, as they use public transport and not a car, they each prefer to do their own thing and not stress each other out

Keeps them happy and saves arguments. May be different when they have kids but they don’t now so it’s how they make their relationship work

I'm starting to think this might be the solution.

OP posts:
Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 16:18

CautiousLurker · 04/10/2024 16:17

WTF? Dump him because he is autistic? Because that is all we know about him?

Talk about ableist!

Show quote history

What are you on about? No one said that.

CautiousLurker · 04/10/2024 16:17

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 16:15

Dump this one back, OP, you can do so much better.

Show quote history

WTF? Dump him because he is autistic? Because that is all we know about him?

Talk about ableist!

Itisjustmyopinion · 04/10/2024 16:16

We have friends who are a couple who travel separately to the airport and meet at the gate. This is because one is like the OP and one is like her partner

Because it doesn’t make a difference if they go together or not, as they use public transport and not a car, they each prefer to do their own thing and not stress each other out

Keeps them happy and saves arguments. May be different when they have kids but they don’t now so it’s how they make their relationship work

PeloMom · 04/10/2024 16:16

Get lounge access if there’s a lounge and enjoy yourselves. You can sit in peace read a book or have a nice conversation. If not, there are always gates with no departures in the next few hours that are quiet and you can have a sit there.
i have a friend like you and twice in the last 3 years she missed the flight as there were I expect cancellations, roadworks etc.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/10/2024 16:15

QuiteCloseBy · 04/10/2024 16:11

Honestly, OP, I'm not sure this relationship has legs. It's less his rigid time-keeping being incompatible with your different form of anxiety than the language you use about this -- 'strict', 'severe' etc. You don't sound as though you find being with him particularly enjoyable. How long have you been dating?

I'm the eldest child of an autistic man, and I can't begin to tell you how much of my childhood was wasted by his anxiety about being very early for everything. My main memory of going to the pantomime was standing in the cold outside the theatre long before it opened, and the fact that he would only park in certain designated places, regardless of their proximity to wherever we were going. It spoiled occasions that were supposed to be pleasurable, and it still does it now at family get-togethers, where he insists on showing up half an hour early for a restaurant reservation and then is baffled and cross our table isn't ready and that the people there are just looking at the dessert menu.

I see alot of my dad in your dad!

Elphamouche · 04/10/2024 16:15

JennaRink · 04/10/2024 16:14

This isn't true at all.

I would also like to add I've already made adjustments in other areas.

Edited
Show quote history

This is such a non issue though.

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 16:15

JennaRink · 04/10/2024 16:14

This isn't true at all.

I would also like to add I've already made adjustments in other areas.

Edited
Show quote history

Dump this one back, OP, you can do so much better.

VickyEadieofThigh · 04/10/2024 16:15

Demonhunter · 04/10/2024 16:03

Not nasty, it's the truth. Who are you to tell me I'm nasty for my own opinion of what I do and don't want for my son. I do dread him ending up with someone who would speak about him like you are and moan over a small thing that could ease his anxiety.

Because it's used by NT people in a mocking way "oh I think I'm on the spectrum, everyone is on the spectrum"

It's called being autistic, it's a developmental disability, it has a name.

Show quote history

Indeed! find it remarkable that some people appear to think that autism is something a person can 'get over' by becoming an adult.

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 16:14

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 04/10/2024 16:08

Your perceived "tone" comes from the language you have used in all your posts,

Always strict time keeping, why should I do what he wants, I don't want to, he'll always get his way, he didn't give you a reason, ridiculous, waste of time etc.

He isn't forcing you to do anything, he told you he wants to be there 3 hours early and you can do whatever you want to do.

Many PP have said 3 hours isn't ridiculous. Several have pointed out ASD is not something he can help, but you're expecting compromise because you don't want him to have his way. Over 1 hour. Which could easily be partly eaten up by traffic.

If you're such a good partner to him, wouldn't you just have had a conversation about it rather than posting on MN to support bashing him for being an unreasonable man?

Show quote history

Always strict time keeping, why should I do what he wants, I don't want to, he'll always get his way, he didn't give you a reason, ridiculous, waste of time etc.

So a woman asserting her needs ‘has a tone’? Whilst him telling her ‘I’m doing this, you can do what you want’ has no tone? Sure 😂

Original poster
JennaRink · 04/10/2024 16:14

Elphamouche · 04/10/2024 16:03

You don’t understand him, you don’t seem to want to learn. Check out time has nothing to do with a bus delay.

Show quote history

This isn't true at all.

I would also like to add I've already made adjustments in other areas.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 04/10/2024 16:13

Book the lounge and make an afternoon of it.

longapple · 04/10/2024 16:13

what times does check in open and close? I usually aim to get there half an hour before checkin opens (depending on distance to airport, I'd probably want a bit more padding if I was travelling a long way rather than to my local airport).

MrsPerfect12 · 04/10/2024 16:13

Go 15 minute before the desk opens, you
cant shop or go for lunch until then anyways.

mathanxiety · 04/10/2024 16:13

JennaRink · 04/10/2024 14:36

It stresses me to be there in a busy place for a long time as it is

Go separately even if it's inconvenient.

Don't pander to his anxiety.

Demonhunter · 04/10/2024 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/10/2024 16:12

I can see both sides of this.

My Dad is like your boyfriend - likes to get places like the airport extremely early. It’s his anxiety making him feel that way - he can’t relax until he’s there and through customs. He’s not diagnosed with autism but has a lot of traits.

My Mum gets kind of dragged along with this a lot and I get it’s a pain for her. She is sometimes a bit mean though with not being ready to go or deliberately being slow getting shoes on etc which isn’t nice.

On the other hand, I can understand being stressed by very crowded environments like the airport - I don’t like that either. And I wouldn’t like someone laying down the law about what time you can arrive. Sounds like he presented it as a done deal rather than asking do you wouldn’t mind etc

I don’t really know the answer - I do get how you don’t want to set a precedent but it might come down to whether or not you want to be with him, as this sounds like a non negotiable from his point of view. If you have a coping mechanism and someone tries to take it away, that can be very distressing. But I agree it needs to be said as “I have this coping mechanism as it’s very stressful for me, would you mind accommodating it” (to which a reasonable person would say yes l, I hope) rather than “it’s my way or the high way”.