To not want to go to the airport 3 hours before?

It's better to allow extra time for any delays and be there too early than be rushing to get there and possibly miss your flight. When I fly I'm there 4 hours before check in opens. You can never predict the traffic if there will be crashes or delays if traveling by train.

I always do it after security then everything I have to do is done and all I have to do is wait until I can go to the gate. It really can be done. I do it all the time. You can also pay for a lounge. I’ve done this a few times too.

I'm very glad that both me and DH are equally anxious about timings! We differ on other things of course, but allowing for plenty of time is one thing we both go a bit OTT on. I would find it hard to be with someone who was relaxed about time as it would cause so much anxiety.

I took a coach to Heathrow airport once and had decided on a coach that departed much earlier than I needed. Thank goodness as it broke down half way there. All the people who had not given themselves any flexibility on timing were freaking out big time! Meanwhile I was chill about the whole thing because I knew I had hours spare.

Giving in on this one thing (because, honestly, the stakes are high when it comes to getting to the airport and getting a flight in good time) does not mean you have to give in on everything forever. Perhaps just let this one go, then for other things where the risks from being late are much lower (dinner reservations, cinema, etc) you can stand your ground. And if he is never willing to compromise you will know you aren't compatible and can move on and find people you align better with.

When is OP supposed to find this quiet place? After security? Before security? Near the gate?

@JennaRink have you luggage to check in? If not, little point in getting there 3 hours ahead if you’re like me and can’t stand how busy it may be/don’t want to eat or shop. If no luggage to check in then as you know, you only need time to get through security and get to the gate before closing time which is usually stated as 30 minutes before departure. The absolute minimum I’d be comfortable with would be to get to the terminal 1.5 hours before an international flight but normally I’m there 2-2.5 hours ahead unless going at peak time of day when I know the queues are big. The problem is actually what happens when you get stuck en route to the airport or allow traffic time and then you are accidentally early!

Could you suggest Fastrack security to avoid the security queues, allowing you to be there a little later?

Oh, so your boyfriend is expected to make himself uncomfortable to placate your anxiety? Hypocritical at best, downright nasty at worst

Maybe she doesn't love him as much as you think she does?
Maybe she finds some of his traits irritating?
Maybe she's developing the ick?

Yes, I agree, there's no point flogging a dead horse.

You can sign on for a relationship without understanding exactly what you're in for, and realise you're not an equal, that you're expected to manage a partner's anxiety or always do things his FYI.

In your desire to make passionate and considerate allowances for the anxiety, you can end up tiptoeing around big areas of life, and even communication can become difficult. You can find yourself setting aside a lot of your own needs and wants because the partner has needs or wants that he expects you to pander to, and yes, I'm going to use that word. It can all start to feel very one way - that one person's life is supported and the other's is not. That sort of pattern can even be experienced as abuse.

*Autism isn't a one size fits all condition, fyi.

Just to add, we have a 6am flight in a couple of weeks, we will be aiming to arrive at car-parking garage three hours before . Airport is an hour's drive away. Is it worth going to bed??? But means we get to holiday by lunchtime, so I'm happy about that.

Maybe you haven’t looked. As a person who is extremely anxious around crowds and with a hatred of airports (and possibly autistic) I have always found a quieter place. I also use noise reducing ear buds.

I always aim for 3 hours before. You can very easily need two hours to get through all the queues at bag-drop and security and to get to the gate. Therefore, I think it's wise to aim for 3 hours before in case something happens with transport on the way there.

I have a friend who would do this, but no way would I date him. However he isn't autistic as far as I know.

He would also walk half a mile out of his way to a train station further away from his destination when the ticket machine at his local station wasn't working (rather than just getting on the train and buying a ticket when the opportunity arose).

He also had a special way of locking the door and then, after carefully locking it twice, double checking it was still locked.

Things had to be kept in a certain place, even if it was illogical or inconvenient. And he was a stickler for pointless ritual/routine.

Lovely, intelligent guy, but I couldn't stand those things being part of my daily life. I think you need to consider whether you have the patience to date someone with ASD. It's not wrong if you don't, but it would be unfair to repeatedly make him feel bad about things he can't help doing.

Fair enough, he's not insisting onyou doing the same. Yabu

I'm up for a support group if you are. Something to stop me saying 'Dad, it's an eight-minute drive to the restaurant, even in traffic, which there's unlikely to be at 7.45 pm on a Tuesday, and there is a big car park virtually next door. There is no need to leave at 7 pm for an 8 pm reservation! Just like you don't need to get to the theatre before 7 for an 8 pm play!'

I think @Itisjustmyopinion advice is the answer, OP, if your DP is ok with it. I always go by what the travel agent's guidelines are. I too hate airports and find flying boring af. However, I aim to arrive 3 hours earlier that flight if that is advised because you never know what might happen. Sometimes we book one of the Lounges.

It does seem a bit early for a European flight, but better safe than sorry eh? Me and DH like to get early to the airport, (like 1.5 hours before the flight,) and it is an hour's drive to the airport (so we allow 2 hours in case of delay.)

So yeah, we leave around 3.5 hours before the flight. Madness I know, but better than missing the flight. I would rather be hanging about at the airport for 2 hours than miss the flight. What else are you going to be doing (at home) @JennaRink May as well just get to the airport early!

Completely agree with you. This relationship doesn't sound healthy if 60 mins at an airport causes this much drama and they would both be better off not in it. OP should date someone who is NT and then compromise wouldn't be an issue, which she is clearly struggling with by having a ND partner.

However OP is insisting she's a good partner to him.

Agreed

Does depend on the airport to some degree

Manchester- prob a good idea
exeter- no way

I can’t think of a single uncrowded area at the airport near me. Maybe the prayer room.

No worries, sympathies on the AuDHD distraction.

You’re making this into a fight with a winner and a loser. It doesn’t have to be. You could decide to go early to the airport because it means a lot to your partner and will make for a harmonious trip.

Considering you mentioned in an earlier post that he’s essentially said this is what I’m doing do what you like kind thing it really does sound like it is, otherwise you do risk being the one who is inflexible by insisting you have to get to the airport together.
The compromise doesn’t have to be a time you get there by, it could instead be that you both do what’s right for you and meet up stress-free at the gate.

But the crowded place thing can be dealt with. Once they are there they can find somewhere quiet away from the crowds. The crowds are going to be at the airport regardless of how early/late they get there. She will still have to deal with them and then be able to get away from them for the extra time.

Indeed. I forgot that I had edited the comment before posting - I intended to imply he should dump her and then changed my mind. Am also AuDHD and was distracted by the door bell. Apologies.

There are other ways to make it less stressful that you could suggest.

You can use fast track security, it doesn’t cost much if you book it before hand and it’s a less stressful queue.

He could wear a sunflower lanyard, that way if he does get stressed he can ask for help and may also get fast tracked through passport control and other places.

But I do think that as a couple you end up compromising on hard boundaries over time, even if that is eventually traveling apart! So, maybe for this trip you could go the 3hrs early and see how it feels. You could also introduce him to fast track security and a lanyard to see if that makes him feel calmer anyway. Enjoy the restaurant or bar before hand too. See it as a practice run.

I hate airports, there are so many ways to lose time and I have no control of those. I am never relaxed until I am in my seat…but the worst thing is a slow moving security queue, makes me feel so sick! So nowadays I spend the £6 to fast track and it makes me a much calmer person!