To not want to go to the airport 3 hours before?

It's not that long. By the time you are through security and if you go for some food and have a mooch round the shops. Take a book and some noise cancelling headphones.

No, she's happy to compromise (2.5 hours).

He isn't even going to discuss compromise.

So wind your neck in.

But it seems ridiculous not to go together.

She hasn’t said they must travel together. She’s actually said that separate travel to the airport is the way forward.

If it’s a solution that you’re both happy with then go with it. Personally I would be much happy meeting DH and kids at the boarding gate than travelling with them to the airport but I don’t think that would go down too well!

Yup, hands up, I'm the unreasonable one here.

Pages back I suggested she goes to the airport when she wants, and he goes to the airport when he wants. But according to the OP, they must travel to the airport together.

If you've proposed 2.5 hours ahead and demonstrated that it's plenty of time per the airline's rec for that route and based on your past experience, and he still says he can't go less than 3, I'd give up trying to convince him to change his mind. (Maybe he can get help with his anxiety, but not before this trip.)

So, I'd figure out if there's a way for me to use that extra time at the airport - for example, if I'd be reading or on line during the extra time at home, I'd just do that at the airport. Or browse duty free. Or get a bite to eat. Also depends how much hassle it is to go separately; it wouldn't bother me at all to meet him there UNLESS it's a much bigger hassle to go separately - for example, if he's driving and paying for parking anyway it may save you more time and hassle (and money) just to go with him rather than. say, your taking public transit or a ride share.

If you do decide to go with him on his timescale, it doesn't mean he always has to get his way, just that he gets his way this time. I'd view it as a practicality rather than a matter of principle and just use common sense on whether you want to go along with it this time or do your own thing.

It depends which airport
Also day of week
Time of day

As mentioned upthread - for e.g. if Stansted 2 hrs is always only just enough time…(security is the issue there).

Or e.g. Gatwick - train terminated unexpectedly at a stop short of the airport - with no onward travel instructions.

Kindly - you do come across as inflexible in your replies here though…

You yourself have done your share of patronizing, thanks.

Always changing the goal posts, eh?

First you say she’s not compromising and then you say it’s not good enough.

Oh you're so right, I should have RTFT. Her neurodiverse partner wants an hour, she's have a massive strop over half an hour.

i couldn’t deal with you op. Every traffic jam or long line would cause me so much stress without a large buffer. we wouldn’t last as a couple.

I don't think it's dramatic on the part of the OP to want to spend just two hours at the airport. I don't think it's dramatic to not want to be spoken to 'severely' or to expect a compromise or even some acknowledgement of her wants and needs.

He could have said, "I understand you find it hard to be in the airport for three hours, and I'm not insisting you do. How about we get to the airport separately? I'll be fine there and you'll be comfortable arriving with two hours to spare, and we won't start our holiday on a bum note."

Women are not being "dramatic" when they stand up for their needs in a relationship. It's OK for a woman to observe that all the compromising is coming from them and to smell a rat.

"Dramatic" is a pejorative that is often deployed against women who are perceived as going against the "be kind" orthodoxy, to shame them into silence and compliance.

Yes she is. She said ‘For me 2.5 hours would be a compromise’.

RTFT

My husband likes to get to the airport with minutes to spare, I like to get there 3 hours early.

We have missed two flights over the years and spent a fortune rebooking.

We always get there early now

No she isn't!

No, no one is better than the other but OP is willing to compromise.

A support group sounds an excellent idea!

”We might get stuck behind a tractor” is my
Dad’s constant refrain. Which is fair enough where they live, but when repeated to me who lives in London and probably going by public transport anyway, is less sensible!

@mathanxiety

*Autism isn't a one size fits all condition, fyi.

Yes, I know... I am AuDHD as are both my kids, my three half siblings and several other members of my family. But thanks for the patronising update in my education. Much appreciated.

I don't think he's the person for you...

He can maybe change to a degree or not.

What understanding do you have of autism/adhd/whatever his diagnosis

Flying very soon. We always allow an extra hour for travel in case of problems, so are often there three hours before. For me it's the start of our holiday, a coffee and breakfast/a nice treat before flying, watching planes on the runway, just chilling, reading my book and being with my husband. Both of us would be anxious if there was a problem before getting to the airport, so more comfortable to allow for that.

I like to get there early as I get anxious about being late/transport to airport being delayed/traffic/trains cancelled. As far as I'm concerned, I can relax once I am through security. My partner has things that make him anxious, and I do what I can to alleviate that. Even if its something that puts me out or is something I'm not keen on. Because we care about each other and don't want the other feeling anxious.

There are usually some gates that are not in use where there is lots of seating. I was always on the look out for quiet space when my kids were small so they could move around.
It does sound as though someone who wants to be early and someone who doesn't like crowds might not be compatible but it doesn't make one of them better than the other.

OP have you ever heard the phrase 'pick your battles'? This is such a small thing you can do to make his life easier so why not do it? Why don't you compromise by saying, you'll agree to get there early and he pays for lounge access/a nice lunch/drinks or whatever?

I'd just look at it as part of the trip - especially if you go for a drink/something to eat

What would you prefer to be doing for an hour?