Who is being unreasonable here...

I think so? What’s wrong with it? Seems like a reasonable comment to me.

OP, you say that you being agitated didn’t affect your friend, but that’s a little tone-deaf and lacking empathy on your part. Being asking somebody who is agitated and anxious and not enjoying themselves can really affect your mood.

How do you know? Also why ask AIBU if you’re not actually going to take on board anything people say that you don’t agree with?

You criticise for your friend for “always needing to be right” yet in every response you are offering more & more to try to make your friend look like the one who is unreasonable.

You clearly think she was unreasonable and want to be proven correct.

Maybe she was but probably not as much as you would like to think!

I don’t get why you would agree to a weekend away knowing that you would be stressed and agitated about your kids.

Who suggested a yoga retreat? If it was your friend I would say she was maybe trying to help you get some time to relax and unwind and she was irritated you wouldn’t switch off. If it was you then i understand why your friend would be annoyed if you had suggested it but then not made an effort to enjoy it.

I do understand it’s easier for her to leave her children with their dad, she doesn’t have to worry as much as you do but I really don’t understand why you would agree to something that would stress you out and worry you and then be annoyed at your friend because your stress impacted her and agitated her. IMO you should never have agreed to it and you shouldn’t be resentful of your friend because she has a husband to look after their children.

Just have a spa day in future. Less full on.

I don't think she's unreasonable for expecting a yoga retreat to be relaxing. Thsts the point of it. If you are super anxious then it is stressful to be around, it's not your fault you were anxious but maybe just not the right activity for you/not the most compatible friend

I think you are both a bit unreasonable.

I really think you aren’t seeing things from her pov any more than you feel she couldn’t see yours. As a pp stated, having a supportive hubby doesn’t mean her life is stress free, and she had probably been really looking forward to some wind down time. A retreat should be just that, and despite you asserting that your jumpiness didn’t affect her personality, it clearly did! She was unable to relax.

You sound quite self-absorbed to be honest.
Maybe she could have been more understanding, but frankly if you displayed the same attitude then as you are in this thread, id have been cross with you too.

I agree with this.
A case of same planet, different worlds.

I’m not autistic but if there’s a plan to do something at a certain time then I like that plan to be stuck to or it messes up the rest of the day’s events. As soon as you said “I don’t live by a clock” I understood your friend’s frustrations. If you don’t live by a clock how do you ever get anywhere on time? The fact she picked up you were anxious means it did impact her, or she wouldn’t have said anything, yet you’re adamant you’re right and she was wrong. Were you constantly calling or messaging dc? Your friend wanted time with you being present and was disappointed she didn’t get that. It may be that you were not able to give her what she wanted but she doesn’t sound unreasonable. It’s a shame it didn’t work for both of you.

Oh I could'nt bare it.

You don't seem to possess much self awareness here op. It's all about what your friend did wrong, what parts of her personality are wrong.

Neither of you were being unreasonable. The situations you left at home were very different in terms of feeling like your children were safe and happy.

Try not to be too upset by her behaviour. Anxiety transmits and you being unsettled may have put her on edge too.

I feel for you, OP. I hear how difficult your life is, it's not dissimilar to mine in some ways. Luckily, my friends are far more understanding and have no trouble accepting our different lives and try, with me, to make the best of our times together. Lesson learned, OP. Don't make the same mistake of going away with them again. Keep the friendship on the workable basis it was on before. All the best.

Is this comment for real?

Well it did affect her so that is probably why she was annoyed. She planned a relaxing retreat and your stress was impacting that. Surely that's why everyone chooses to go on a retreat, to unwind and destress. I can understand why you were stressed but it seems you can't see other perspectives judging by your responses which are quite bitchy. Maybe she likes routine and schedules because that manages her stress? Instead you just call her anal and cast blame. You seem self involved.

OP, you asked who was being unreasonable here, but you seem absolutely convinced it was your friend, whom, in your subsequent posts you describe as routine-bound, ‘controlling’, ‘anal’, and ‘always needing to be right’.

If you’ve known her for so long, surely it was clear to you that a weekend with someone who wanted to adhere to a strict routine, while shutting off the world outside was not going to work with someone ‘jumpy’, ‘agitated’ and unable for whatever reason to leave her outside life at the door?

Neither of you could meet the other’s needs. No one is ‘unreasonable’. It was just a mismatch of expectations and capacities for a weekend.

you think there was no need to adhere to timings, but your companion clearly did. Perhaps she wanted to only follow the times so she could literally let her mind go blank. And there you were blethering on about your issues.

She was trying to tell you something, but you (rightly in your eyes) had other issues.

Learn from this. Both of you.

Yes, I was going to say this too, your friend seems to have some possible autistic traits if any deviation from a strict schedule, which plans for potential future problems (indigestion while doing yoga for example), makes her stressed and anxious. It may do you well to understand your friend some more if you may have a child who is similar in the future.

OP I'm also a lone parent and I think friends can be tone deaf to our situation.

I had a rare child free weekend with another friend who has also had kids with SEN. We have challenged lives as well as working full time.

We went to visit a friend for the weekend with no kids who decided the best use of our Saturday morning was to make us volunteer on a stand at a veg garden charity then walk 3 miles for lunch (I refused the walk and made comment about the volunteering) I love my friend dearly but she had absolutely no clue.

My point is, communication about life styles and your boundaries is important. Nothing you did pushed her boundaries but she was pushing yours and clearly making judgments.

I'd have a catch up with her at some point and just have a calm conversation about it.

You have a child with ASD and you're critical of your friend who is very strict in her schedule with logical reasoning who is irritated by your poor time management.

Sorry @hampsteadfeat I'm going with YABU, your friend could be autistic and routine and planning is how she copes with life, even to relax.

Your autistic child may also become very much like this and need to know exactly what is happening next and why. You may need to adopt this lifestyle yourself to survive and help your child cope.

Right ok, well this is slight y different 'who is being unreasonable' to what your initial post implied.

You're clearly polar opposites, she likes a regimented strict planned schedule, and probably gets stressed and anxious without one, you are a more roll with the punches, she's proactive and pre-empting you are reactive and possibly fire fighting.

You both need to consider meeting in the middle. It's definitely unreasonable of her to expect you to do strictly as you are told but you could consider that a more structured day and better time management might help you with your own life as you say you are time poor. With 3 kids, good time management could really really help you.

You both need to be better friends and see things from each others perspective and compromise when together.

Hi I’m sorry your friend couldn’t be abit more understanding. Someone who has full support and can switch off when away from their children can not understand why you feel the way you do. I have lost a lot of friends along the way for reasons like this. One of my sister who has one child (who now is 16) could always make last minute plans to go out either leaving her son at my mums or other family members or his dad ect I couldn’t do that with 4 kids with one also being on the spectrum, and she always got irritated by that. It really upset me. We all want to switch off but not all can, fortunate are those who can and good on you. But shouldn’t be annoyed at those who can’t. If she knows you’re situation and she’s been a friend from a long time she should not have planned a trip like this rather something more suitable. I know you probably wanted to just try it out and see how it goes but now you no for next time. My younger sister once had a masseuse come over to the house as a treat for me just to unwind while she kept all the kids busy in another room. I felt so much more relaxed that kids are just in the next room.