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AIBU?

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Original poster

Starting my Social Services parenting class today. Filled with rage. AIBU?

134 replies

BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 09:47

My 7 year old daughter told me about abuse by her father - weird controlling stuff about toilet use and being strangled when he was angry.

I reported the abuse and there was no negative consequence for him. The idiot social worker suggested to my daughter's face that she was lying because my daughter didn't demonstrate that she protested forcefully enough when being strangled. I was told I need to support the father/daughter relationship more.

My punishment for reporting the abuse is that I have to attend 20 hours of parenting courses, starting today. I could have used this time to do things with/for my daughter.

AIBU to feel rage over this?

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 04/10/2024 10:33

Gosh a friend reported her ex after her DD said a couple things that could be taken either way. But she felt she had to report it as her DD (6 at the time) visited him on her own. Social services came down on him like a ton of bricks and he wasn't allowed to see his DD without supervision while they investigated. The DD couldn't say much more and was happy to see her father so it was eventually dropped, but it has permanently affected his relationship with his other (teenage) kids and huge animosity to his ex. Shocking that you have not been supported.

Stressedafff · 04/10/2024 10:32

I agree with a PP. Don’t kick up a big fuss to them, note down everything, any concerns and keep reporting where necessary.
I can genuinely see why people dislike social services so bloody much.

Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 10:31

Pollymollydolly · 04/10/2024 10:29

You can feel rage or you can choose to participate with an open mind and see if this course can help you with parenting in a difficult situation.

I’m sorry that you have experienced this but if I were you I would be open to support. Parenting is bloody difficult - even with two good, non abusive parents - and you can’t change her father. Maybe this course will be of some benefit to you, even if it is just meeting other parents who may be experiencing similar difficulties (by which I mean the situation with your ex).

what I’m trying to say is you are in this situation, you can’t change it but you can change how you look at it. If you look at this course as a “punishment” and continue with that narrative you will become more angry and bitter - which ultimately is only going to damage you. You will find plenty of people who will happily agree with you and rage at the system and the “useless social workers” but you will still be in the same situation, just more filled with righteous indignation and resentment which isn’t going to help you one iota.

My daughter doesn't give me any trouble. She's really amazing.

My intention if asked for objectives is to say I want strategies to help a child who has been abused.

OP posts:
Bangwam1 · 04/10/2024 10:31

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 04/10/2024 10:28

I would not listen to people saying shout loud, MP, over social media etc. This is your daughter’s private life. In my lengthy experience the ones who shout loudest are often not the ones that should be complaining. Having said that I would advise you to work with your social worker. Some social workers are very fooled by articulate men. Documentation is important as is working with professionals.

This is no professional

Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 10:29

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 04/10/2024 10:28

I would not listen to people saying shout loud, MP, over social media etc. This is your daughter’s private life. In my lengthy experience the ones who shout loudest are often not the ones that should be complaining. Having said that I would advise you to work with your social worker. Some social workers are very fooled by articulate men. Documentation is important as is working with professionals.

They closed the case. They are so unconcerned for my daughter's safety they gave both parents the same punishment and sent us off!

OP posts:
Pollymollydolly · 04/10/2024 10:29

You can feel rage or you can choose to participate with an open mind and see if this course can help you with parenting in a difficult situation.

I’m sorry that you have experienced this but if I were you I would be open to support. Parenting is bloody difficult - even with two good, non abusive parents - and you can’t change her father. Maybe this course will be of some benefit to you, even if it is just meeting other parents who may be experiencing similar difficulties (by which I mean the situation with your ex).

what I’m trying to say is you are in this situation, you can’t change it but you can change how you look at it. If you look at this course as a “punishment” and continue with that narrative you will become more angry and bitter - which ultimately is only going to damage you. You will find plenty of people who will happily agree with you and rage at the system and the “useless social workers” but you will still be in the same situation, just more filled with righteous indignation and resentment which isn’t going to help you one iota.

AgileGreenSeal · 04/10/2024 10:29

This is typical SS behaviour, I’m sorry to say.

I’ve seen similar.

So sorry this is happening to you, OP. 😢

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 04/10/2024 10:28

I would not listen to people saying shout loud, MP, over social media etc. This is your daughter’s private life. In my lengthy experience the ones who shout loudest are often not the ones that should be complaining. Having said that I would advise you to work with your social worker. Some social workers are very fooled by articulate men. Documentation is important as is working with professionals.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 04/10/2024 10:27

I reported exh for having a convicted sex offender upstairs playing Xbox with our dc. The woman at ss said it would have been nice for the dc to have had a catch up with the said offender.. Exh made dc lie to Cafcass and say it never happened... Guess who they believed?

Stressedafff · 04/10/2024 10:27

The system needs a fucking overhaul. These men are given free rein to abuse their children through a male favoured process. I’m so angry for you OP.

Bangwam1 · 04/10/2024 10:24

BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 10:21

I want to shout from the rooftops but I can't really do this while I am still under the thumb of my daughter's and my abuser.

Show quote history

I understand. Keep all evidence and recordings of your interactions with them and the abuser. Don’t let your daughter know, don’t let anyone know.

Play it smart (I can see you already are)
Good luck 💖

PadstowGirl · 04/10/2024 10:23

Was he violent with you OP? Do you have any medical records or work sickness records that could support this?

Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 10:21

Bangwam1 · 04/10/2024 10:20

Be as loud as you can, keep evidence. They can be worst than the abusers themselves and they use the same techniques. Biggest one is silencing you.

Try to just get out of the system quietly but if they want war, public as possible (TikTok, everywhere)

I await this thread being deleted by mumsnet

I want to shout from the rooftops but I can't really do this while I am still under the thumb of my daughter's and my abuser.

OP posts:
Bangwam1 · 04/10/2024 10:20

Be as loud as you can, keep evidence. They can be worst than the abusers themselves and they use the same techniques. Biggest one is silencing you.

Try to just get out of the system quietly but if they want war, public as possible (TikTok, everywhere)

I await this thread being deleted by mumsnet

Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 10:20

Endllllessslyendingggs · 04/10/2024 10:06

Dear god, I’m so very sorry to read this. As a professional, I’ve had dealings with some pretty unprofessional social workers but your post beats the lot.

In my experience, your best way forward is to try and appease the social workers by appearing to do everything they ask of you without comments. Very sadly, they hold the power. I’m thinking the child’s father is a manipulative twat.

Thank you. This is my understanding. It's part of what is making me so angry. I don't want to go along with things and act like I think that I deserve this.

OP posts:
5128gap · 04/10/2024 10:15

BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 10:12

This is the abuser's playbook. My ex told them that I am a parental alienator etc. Even though this doesn't really happen much at all, it is viewed as being a credible accusation.

Social Services aren't fact finders and they find it difficult to tell who is telling the truth. They also don't receive good training on abuse. So manipulative coercive controllers end up with the upper hand.

Show quote history

I see. I also note you've had legal advice to cooperate. I'm very sorry OP. It nust be incredibly frustrating and also concerning because the allegations are serious and were not upheld.

Neveragain8102 · 04/10/2024 10:15

Endllllessslyendingggs · 04/10/2024 10:06

Dear god, I’m so very sorry to read this. As a professional, I’ve had dealings with some pretty unprofessional social workers but your post beats the lot.

In my experience, your best way forward is to try and appease the social workers by appearing to do everything they ask of you without comments. Very sadly, they hold the power. I’m thinking the child’s father is a manipulative twat.

This is the advice I wished id have had.

it’s all true.

SS are pretty useless when it comes to figuring out who’s the master manipulator.

Neveragain8102 · 04/10/2024 10:13

Welcome to the insane system.

strap yourself in. And don’t let it rob you if your sanity - because if you do that’s the nail in the coffin

SunQueen24 · 04/10/2024 10:13

Yup. Utter madness based on what you’ve said OP.

Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 10:13

Ellerby83 · 04/10/2024 10:10

Wouldn't your daughter being strangled be a police matter?

Social Services scolded me for calling the police and told me that I should have just discussed with my ex. The police said that it is a Social Services matter. They investigated but couldn't do anything since my ex denied the allegations.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 10:12

5128gap · 04/10/2024 10:05

Do they think that you've encouraged your DD to make false allegations? If so, then they should be clear they suspect this so you have the opportunity to rebut it. Or do they think your DD has made false allegations because shes troubled and the classes are to help you support her? At the moment there appears to be no explicit link between the allegations and you having to attend the classes so my first step would be to ask them the reason for it, what they expected to be achieved by it etc. then take if from there. While you should always cooperate, that doesn't mean blind compliance with any instruction if you don't understand the reason and purpose.

This is the abuser's playbook. My ex told them that I am a parental alienator etc. Even though this doesn't really happen much at all, it is viewed as being a credible accusation.

Social Services aren't fact finders and they find it difficult to tell who is telling the truth. They also don't receive good training on abuse. So manipulative coercive controllers end up with the upper hand.

OP posts:
Ellerby83 · 04/10/2024 10:10

Wouldn't your daughter being strangled be a police matter?

Endllllessslyendingggs · 04/10/2024 10:06

Dear god, I’m so very sorry to read this. As a professional, I’ve had dealings with some pretty unprofessional social workers but your post beats the lot.

In my experience, your best way forward is to try and appease the social workers by appearing to do everything they ask of you without comments. Very sadly, they hold the power. I’m thinking the child’s father is a manipulative twat.

KissMyArt · 04/10/2024 10:05

It looks like they think whatever's going on in the child's life, is 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other if you both have to take parenting classes.

5128gap · 04/10/2024 10:05

Do they think that you've encouraged your DD to make false allegations? If so, then they should be clear they suspect this so you have the opportunity to rebut it. Or do they think your DD has made false allegations because shes troubled and the classes are to help you support her? At the moment there appears to be no explicit link between the allegations and you having to attend the classes so my first step would be to ask them the reason for it, what they expected to be achieved by it etc. then take if from there. While you should always cooperate, that doesn't mean blind compliance with any instruction if you don't understand the reason and purpose.