Starting my Social Services parenting class today. Filled with rage. AIBU?

What “tactics” might the mother learn that will help her daughter the next time she is being strangled by her father? 🤔

Well you are both her parents, you both had her as a child so maybe the parenting lessons may help you learn things to parent with the person you chose to be a parent with?

It is absolutely punishment, for raising the issue.

The model seems to be

1. ”contact at all costs” even if one parent has a history of abusive behaviour and abuse is being currently reported.
2. both parents need to be managed / re-educated to successfully co-parent. The non-abusive parent must be made to believe that “work” done by SS with the abuser has been successful and that all is now good.
3. any prior history of domestic abuse against the mother is disregarded by SS and said mother must be re-educated to believe that her erstwhile abuser is now a reformed character and has changed his behaviour in spite of the evidence in front of her.
4. any abusive behaviour reported by said mother is evidence of her being at fault (trying to alienate the child/ren from the other parent/ trying to get revenge on other parent / not ‘moving on’) rather than a genuine report of contemporary abuse against a person with a history of abusive behaviour.
5. if said mother persists in making reports of abusive behaviour against the other parent she is deemed to be definitely guilty of parental alienation and needs to have her child/ren removed and placed with the other parent.

I take it they are viewing it as parental alienation?

This is what I came to suggest.

Being patronising? By understanding that op has been through an horrendous situation and will have to continue Co parenting with this man? By understanding that she has to do a parenting course she doesn’t want to do? For suggesting that she might meet other parents there in a similar situation? For trying to help her find ways to get through this bit (the course she has to do) feeling less angry and upset?

I'd have a chat with your DC and let them know if there's anything they feel uncomfortable about or that scares them at home then they should tell their teachers at school about it. A disclosure like that will trigger a safeguarding investigation and it's not you making the report so no parental alienation angle especially if you haven't mentioned your ex just any time they are sad or worried they can tell a teacher.

Great advice

It's not a "punishment" OP. Just go, you never know, they might teach you some tactics you hadn't thought of previously.

I bet your ex doesn't go to every session.

Play the game - try not to see the parenting classes as a punishment - keep telling them how valuable they are - make intelligent and perceptive remarks during the session so it goes on record that you are cooperative and self-aware and a good parent. Don't go there feeling and showing angry - it will not help in the long run.

I know it is a PITA but you need to play the long game here. Your chidlren will benefit in the end.

Sounds like they are worried they might have to actually protect her. Ditto punishing you for reporting abuse so you don't do it again.

That's infuriating OP. All of it. I remember your previous post.

@Pollymollydolly you’re being patronising. OP is angry because she is powerless to protect her daughter from a perceived threat, which goes against every fibre of your being as an adult. Social services have inserted a barrier and shifted responsibility back to OP, not empowered her or supported her.

Your post is doing the exact same.

This was exactly what happened.

cost them far far less time and money.

they were forced to apologise and pay compensation, but the damage they’ve done is immeasurable.

So the social worker was victim blaming your daughter for being strangled by her father?

Parenting isn’t just about your child’s behaviour.

FWIW strategies for supporting an abused child are the same as strategies for supporting any child.

You are coming across as very angry which is completely understandable. If your daughter picks up on your resentment and anger there is a risk that she will choose not to tell you things in future - because she won’t want mum to be upset. Obviously I’m not suggesting you are speaking to her the way you’re speaking to other adults on here, but children are very perceptive and I’m sure she is already aware of a difficult relationship between you and her father.

I truly understand why you’re angry, I’m just suggesting that if you can try and change your mindset the course may be of some benefit - and even if it’s not, if you can choose to be less angry and resentful about doing it then it will be easier to get through!

This.

unfortunately, this is the best advice.

My DH reported his exes new BF for using class A drugs and abusing alcohol in front of the kids. They asked my DH if his child was at risk right now, if so they instructed him to replace the receiver and dial 999. If no, he should hang up and call 999 if there was an immediate risk. DH asked how he could assess the risk without being there and wanted to discuss his concerns. They said drug users and alcoholics can be good parents. We just encourage them to get childcare before a binge…. I’m sure drug users and alcoholics can be good parents but I’m not sure there’s a dial-a-childcare service for when you want to get shitfaced.

You have got to complain about this! Don't just accept it!

Because they dont want to. It’s inconvenient for them if theres any truth to those accusations and they have bigger problems on their caseload. So people like OP are fobbed off so they can tick a box, justify their actions and crack on.

This is correct. Play the game, get away from them. Keep evidence for if you need it.

From experience

agree with SW about everything, smile & nod
jump through every hoop they put in front of you
try to extricate yourself from their attention
endure the abuse until your child grows up

There is no other way through this nightmare.
so sorry, OP. 😢

Be very careful engaging here.....