Is DH taking the piss occasionally going away over night outs?

Agree with all of this!!

Because she is prioritising her child who is only 1 year old.
A night or weekend away is fine ofcourse but her husband shouldn't be going away four weekends a year to simply drink with his mates especially while their child is still so young.

This is so very true. Most women don't feel complete unless they've had a baby. Most men go along with it because they're afraid to say "no". Women will never understand why men aren't as ecstatic as they are at a screaming bundle of joy that changes their lives forever and destroys their social life.

I'm afraid after joining MN I've come to this conclusion as well.

I know a lot of the threads are worst case scenarios but it's staggering the number of men who seem to see babies and children as disposable items. Conceived in error or conceived to keep their partner at the time happy or conceived without really any thought as to what bringing another life into this world really means. And in a lot of cases they just walk away, because they can.

Tbh I think you are being a bit of a martyr - full of excuses as to why you can’t do the same or go on the family holiday - but aren’t happy for him to have any time to other things besides your family

Really? In my experience (albeit my friends and the husbands of my female friends), it’s been the man who has been the driving force for children. But then I don’t really relate to a lot that seems to happen on here, all couples I know do an equal split of work/childcare/housework etc. All have nights away with friends etc.

I do agree that people are unlikely to suddenly change their behaviour though.

There is nothing wrong with him being away for 4 nights a year and there is nothing wrong with you doing the same

It's 4 full weekends, plus a ski trip and a week-long holiday. It's not a night in town then coming back home four times a year!

Op you do need to start letting him settle her though. She will settle for him, but she needs to get used to that being part of what is normal first. If he never does it, and it always feels strange, then of course she won't!

The best thing you can do is go away and recharge too so that DH and baby get chance to work out their own dynamic of settling and getting on.

When I go away DH does things differently but it works, because it has to. I’m not there.

Most men don't. Women need to understand that a lot of men won't change their ways after a baby is born.

Once a year would be okay, but four lads holidays a year is excessive. He’s behaving like a single man. How on earth do young couples afford all these breaks apart from anything else?

You need to think how you can have some me time aeay from baby rather than restrict his occasional night away. He is NBU. You are.
He has to learn how to cope with dc otherwise you are settling yourself up for resentment and exhaustion. Give it a go and enjoy the break

If the baby didn’t settle for you, would you just give up? He needs to be able to settle his own child and this takes practice. If for whatever reason you don’t want this to happen, you’ll have to accept that you won’t be able to leave overnight.

I don’t think 1-2 nights four times a year is excessive. I assume you have been invited on the holiday but don’t want to go (you don’t have to ski, there are loads of other things to do), then thats fair enough, but he should still be able see his family.

Just because he doesn’t feel bad having a night away (when the baby is presumably asleep anyway), doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his child. Lots of parents have a night away from their baby. Maybe your time will come when your child is a bit older. I have a few weekend breaks a year with my friends, it’s fun to be me again and not mummy all the time.

Exactly, why not?

Even if he's happy for you to do exactly the same thing, what he's doing is offering you something you don't want and expecting something in return.

I don't really do any hobbies these days because my wife doesn't want to come along and doesn't have any hobbies of her own so it just feels wrong. I would be completely fine with her going off on her own for a couple of days a month and she knows this, but she doesn't want to.

A bit harsh to say he's taking the piss, because it's not easy to give things up like that. But he probably shouldn't be doing it.

This is partly on you. You snatch the baby back when she cries and don’t let him get used to settling her (even if that means you removing yourself periodically so that she gets it). You refuse to take time away because of your attachment issues.

I think you should still go on holiday anyway

Four times a year on a piss up (2 nights away each time) plus skiing plus family holiday. With a one year old? NOPE. He is taking the piss.

If she won't settle for him, then he needs to practise nights until she does. There's no reason you can't express during the day and he bottle feeds at night if needed.

If you don't make him practise and get used to looking after the baby by himself, then you'll never get any time away and no breaks. So he needs to practise by starting to be first attendant for all things baby while you sit back with a cuppa and let him deal with it.

It sounds like he doesn’t consider himself to have any responsibilities. Is he a decent person apart from this? You are not wrong at all to feel this way. I would sit down with him and explain why this is not feasible and why you feel let down by him continuing to do this with a very young child at home.

Some people find it harder than others to “let go” of things when a baby comes along but I would really caution you against internalising this as you will come to really resent him and maybe hate him in the long run. Give him a chance to make it right and be very clear what you think is reasonable.

Why aren't you going on the family holiday ? Is this your choice? If so then you have nothing to moan about. If not, you got problems.

As for your DC being closer to DH, well start by actually going away a couple of days and let them bond! You will always be a prefetence because she's used to you. Trust him to be there for her and he will step up (if he's a normal decent human being).

You can still go on the holiday, surely?
What kind of immaturity is this?

He needs to be able to settle her, this should be a family priority to get sorted asap.

A few weekends away a year - fine. And you should be able to do the same, if you don’t want to I hope you’re at least getting out regularly without the baby to see friends/pursue hobbies.

4 days and a week away I personally agree is too long to leave the baby at this young age, and puts you under a lot of pressure to solo parent for that long, these types of trips should be done as a family or left until the child is much older.

I get the ski one with his mates, but why isn’t he taking you and your baby on holiday with his family?

Totally agree

I could never have a night away because she refuses to let him comfort her over night when she wakes up

Do you have a plan for if you have to leave for an emergency? Sure its not likely to happen, but if it did, her not being able to settle for him is only going to add to the stress.

He needs to be able to settle her

Nobody has said they are competing social lives. Prioritising means taking care of the child to do that we must apply oxygen first. Human beings are social creatures and sadly a lot of women lose friendships or distance grows when they let their own relationships step back.

To me and my friendship groups all busy with careers some with or without children and or caring responsibilities that means us maintaining our friendship and social life as well. Because we are a hell of a lot more happier by having a healthy balance. So from day 1 we kept up the city breaks, brunches some as couple time and some as girls/boys.

The amount of times women are posting here saying they are sad and lonely and don't have social lives and have lost friendships is huge. And it doesn't have to be.

I think so many women are afraid of being judged by other women. Your comment is neutral but if I had have read it in the early days I would think it says she shouldn't need or want a break. To be clear I know that isn't what you said.

We really need to openly speak and encourage women to maintain their friendships and social lives. I don't know why but I know I heard comments from a place of judgement at that time.

I think we need to start the conversations loudly of women encouraging women to prioritise their own happiness and social