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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just because I'm there doesn't mean I'm free childcare

364 replies

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:13

I go out once a week and take my DDs with me 7 and 13. It's a social evening thing, the girls love it, there are different activities on.
My sister has started coming fine no issue with that. Her mate is now coming with her DD 8
This is where the issue is. They swan off for 15-30 min cig breaks and leave the child unattended. Going for a cig is the announcement and off they pop.
Last night child of sisters friend was messing about and has hurt themselves, mum nowhere to be seen for over 20mins.
I am being blamed for not watching the child 😳
Apparently announcing I'm going for a cig is que for me to watch her child - never have either said can you watch DD while I nip out. Plus I don't know this child, met her a few times that's it.
When this happened I should have been sat with/watching her DD not participating in an activity my DDs wanted to do.

My sister is trying to rip me a new one and her friend has threatened to report me to SS for neglect, as it was my neglect (according to them) that has caused this hospital visit and her to be reported to SS.

Should I have watched this child
YANBU you have your DDs she needs to step up
YABU she's a single mum provide free cig breaks child care for her

OP posts:
Mamabobogo · 04/10/2024 12:23

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 11:58

I'm not not going my girls love it and have made some great friends, they are also socialising with people from all age ranges.
Unfortunately this is the only practical location for us to attend and still be in bed by 9.30pm

Too bloody right you won’t change your plans.

YANBU!

Hopefully the friend will keep away!

Butnothingsclear · 04/10/2024 12:23

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 11:58

I'm not not going my girls love it and have made some great friends, they are also socialising with people from all age ranges.
Unfortunately this is the only practical location for us to attend and still be in bed by 9.30pm

No. Definitely don’t change your plans.

Unless they apologise then I’d just ignore any other communication about this now.

GPNightmare · 04/10/2024 12:18

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 07:25

I’ve said you are being unreasonable because by your own admission you were not watching an eight rear old child when you knew nobody else was.

If you weren’t able to watch the child along with your own, you should have spoken up at the time. So when they announced they were going for a cig you say “I’m tied up with my DC at the moment, could you take yours with you”

Your post reads like you got the hump, behaved in a passive aggressive way and now it’s backfired because the child ended up in hospital.

Equally, the other mum is being unreasonable to expect you to look after her child…and to take such long fag breaks. It’s incredibly antisocial of them to leave you sat alone and with all the kids for so long.

Edited

This ^.

They are absolute entitled and rude CF but I think it was clear that they expecting you to watch the child by telling you they were going for a cigarette. If you weren’t willing or able to take on the responsibility, you should have spoken up rather than saying nothing and not keeping an eye the kid. Poor child.

Whatafustercluck · 04/10/2024 12:01

Next time you go, get up and announce you're going for a dump, then fuck off for an hour. They might then understand why you have an issue.

Original poster
itsmeits · 04/10/2024 11:58

I'm not not going my girls love it and have made some great friends, they are also socialising with people from all age ranges.
Unfortunately this is the only practical location for us to attend and still be in bed by 9.30pm

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/10/2024 11:48

2Rebecca · 04/10/2024 11:46

SS won't be interested in the OP at all. It was an accident and if the mother thought her child needed supervising she should have delayed her cigarette until the activity finished. I wouldn't be going out with my sister again for a while as I would have expected her to back me not her friend. If they still want to go to the event I'd sit apart from them in future

Yeah. SS will only be interested in the person who was actually responsible for the child, i.e. not the OP.

2Rebecca · 04/10/2024 11:46

SS won't be interested in the OP at all. It was an accident and if the mother thought her child needed supervising she should have delayed her cigarette until the activity finished. I wouldn't be going out with my sister again for a while as I would have expected her to back me not her friend. If they still want to go to the event I'd sit apart from them in future

SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun · 04/10/2024 11:44

I hate it when people do this - often don't actually ask so you can't say no just assume you will so you do often feel obliged to keep a vague eye out but with own kids that it all it could ever be.

I don't blame you for being angry and think your push back was fine.

Miffylou · 04/10/2024 11:34

LittleGreenDragons · 04/10/2024 08:12

but OP should have made it clear after the first time they did it that she was not going to be watching her.
No. That is a ridiculous thing to say. It was the mother's responsibility to ask EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Yes, of course it was the mother's responsibility and she should have asked every time, and of course the mother and OP's sister are totally wrong to be blaming the OP.

But all the same, that is not the child's fault (though of course messing around was her fault). Since the mother didn’t ask every time, or at all, it’s unfortunate that the child suffered the consequences.

DotPotato · 04/10/2024 11:26

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:58

I have just sent my sister the below

I have been attending this night for the last 2.5 years and 1.5 years with the girls. You and friend have been coming approximately 8 weeks. Every week you and friend have left 8Y unattended when you go for cigs. Not once was I asked to watch child just expected. I am sorry that child has been hurt, however I attend to participate with my children not look after others. If she wants a child free night out get a babysitter like the rest of us. Tell your friend i am happy to speak to SS on her behalf and explain the abysmal attitude I have seen her show over the last 8 weeks. I am also happy to explain to them what I do with my children while in attendance.
I'm not entertaining this any longer, I am not to blame for her failings. Have a good day I'm off to work now.

Spot on

Mabs49 · 04/10/2024 11:18

Brilliant response OP!!

Hope that settles them down!

MintTraybake · 04/10/2024 11:08

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 04/10/2024 10:59

She hasn't said that outright to anybody yet as far as I can tell. Only to her sister a few hours ago by text.

She shouldn't have needed to, on behalf of the fact that nobody actually asked her to mind the child in the first place!

Also... 20 minute fag break? Fuck right off. Nip to the loo quickly - fine, no worries. Give yerself cancer with a stick while your kid is sat quietly colouring? OK, if you really must and you're quick. 20 minutes shits and giggles while your known to be rambuctious kid is maybe somehow getting half an eye kept on her? Fuck that shit.

Show quote history

I completely agree - I've been in OP's position, and if I wasn't there, no one else took responsibility and they stopped expecting it. I suggested not going for a short space of time to make them realise its an inconvenience when someone else isnt there to look after their child. Not once have I said I think its normal. I hate it and thinks its major lazy parenting to just offload children onto other people and is very common nowadays. When someone isn't there to keep an eye, I find these parents only get bored of doing it when they;re shamed into changing. No pussyfooting around😂
Wish I was so harsh in my younger years

ApricotLime · 04/10/2024 11:05

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 09:58

Just to clarify I was with my youngest participating when they went for there smoke/gossip session. Child was left at the table, where they sit - scribbling all over my youngest DDs colouring book that she helped herself to 😤
I was kinda keeping an eye the child so did see her faffing and heard the screaming when she fell. I wasn't anywhere near when they went out or when accident happened.

Hospital have referred to SS as mum didn't know what happened child said she wasn't there

If SS do speak to you, just say you were busy doing the activity with your child and you've no idea why she thought you were babysitting since she never asked you to

ApricotLime · 04/10/2024 11:02

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 09:58

Just to clarify I was with my youngest participating when they went for there smoke/gossip session. Child was left at the table, where they sit - scribbling all over my youngest DDs colouring book that she helped herself to 😤
I was kinda keeping an eye the child so did see her faffing and heard the screaming when she fell. I wasn't anywhere near when they went out or when accident happened.

Hospital have referred to SS as mum didn't know what happened child said she wasn't there

Carry on going to the club and text your sister that you will not be providing any babysitting.

ThanksHunPenneys · 04/10/2024 11:01

withgraceinmyheart · 04/10/2024 08:15

Going against the grain but I think yab a bit u if you knew that no one was watching the 8 year old and still left the area with your dc.

Totally not unreasonable to not want to watch someone else’s Dc but you did need to make it clear at the time and not after the child has been hurt.

i wouldn’t have done what the mum did, she’s being totally unreasonable.

Why should the 3yr old not be able to do the activities that they went there to do because of some random 8yr old that needs watching?? Get a grip!

Also OP has since clarified that she and the 3 Yr old were already doing their activity when the sis and friend disappeared.

I think the mother would have left the 8yr old to go for her fag break even if there was no-one she knew there.

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 04/10/2024 10:59

MintTraybake · 04/10/2024 10:34

I agree that its not OP's fault - but if communicating to them that she will not babysit the children when she's there is not working, I would stop going temporarily so that they get bored of it/find something else to do when no one will look after the child.

No point going every time and being miserable or worrying about other peoples children 😑 its exhausting feeling like people are ruining your nice plans. Time to mix it up a bit I say! Not everyone is considerate in the world, and sadly they walk over people as it benefits them.

Show quote history

She hasn't said that outright to anybody yet as far as I can tell. Only to her sister a few hours ago by text.

She shouldn't have needed to, on behalf of the fact that nobody actually asked her to mind the child in the first place!

Also... 20 minute fag break? Fuck right off. Nip to the loo quickly - fine, no worries. Give yerself cancer with a stick while your kid is sat quietly colouring? OK, if you really must and you're quick. 20 minutes shits and giggles while your known to be rambuctious kid is maybe somehow getting half an eye kept on her? Fuck that shit.

mondaytosunday · 04/10/2024 10:58

I used to take my kids swimming regularly and a friend (I r occasionally her DH) took hers of similar age (one three years older). All under 10 when they are supposed to have a parent. I noticed when the dad took them he just left them to go to the gym! I don't think he would say he was expecting me to mind them (there was a lifeguard) but I felt as I knew them that actually he was. If something happened he wouldn't have a leg to stand on. I can't watch my two plus his three kids!
Your sister and her friends are being stupid. In no way is she not responsible for her own kids.

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 04/10/2024 10:54

MintTraybake · 04/10/2024 10:25

I would stop going or change location, even temporarily. If you continue to go, they will continue to take advantage. So swap days and/or don't tell them or go somewhere else. People like this will never see they are wrong in expecting that of you.

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Absolutely not!

OP I'd bet money that SS ring her and get her to tell them what happened, and she'll lie and say you were left in charge, and they'll tell her not to leave you in charge in future. Win/Win.

Katielovesteatime · 04/10/2024 10:53

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 04/10/2024 10:19

Your message was so good I wish I'd been there when your sister read it.

Ha! Same. Also, best username ever 👏

2Little · 04/10/2024 10:50

Her child is her responsibility.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/10/2024 10:50

So actually her own child dobbed her in for not being around when the child had the accident?
"Hospital have referred to SS as mum didn't know what happened, child said she wasn't there"
Brilliant stuff altogether.

No wonder she is trying to pin this on to someone else.

You were busy actually, well, you know, being a parent to your kids and she, well, you know, actually wasn't.

As for your sister - I think she is terrible trying to pass blame on to you too.

Bringbackspring · 04/10/2024 10:47

My Dad used to take us to the local social club quite often and at age 8 we would just run around playing and doing whatever we wanted without constant/any supervision. An 8 year old doesn't need to be closely supervised in a contained environment like that. It would be the same at a wedding for example. Accidents happen, no one is really at fault. But sounds like the Mum is deflecting it all on to you.

My DSis ex would report her to SS for neglect every time the kids had so much as a scratch. If they ever needed to go to hospital he'd have a field day with it. SS knew the complaints were malicious and could see exactly what the ex was doing. It sounds like this could be similar, so unless there are other circumstances we don't know about it is unlikely to go anywhere.

Coconutter24 · 04/10/2024 10:44

I think you know by the way you have written your options for the YABU/YANBU that you are not being unreasonable

NeedthatFridayfeeling · 04/10/2024 10:37

Penguinmouse · 04/10/2024 07:20

Do not take this shit from parents who can’t be bothered to parent their children. “I am here to watch my children and my children only. If you had ASKED me to watch your DD, I would have considered it but you went off for a 20 minute cigarette break and left her unattended.” She can report you to social services all she likes, the neglect lies with her leaving a child unattended with a virtual stranger and no arrangement for you to watch her.

This! She is bang out of order, the cheeky bitch.

MintTraybake · 04/10/2024 10:34

30percent · 04/10/2024 10:31

I disagree. This is ops place she has been going to it a lot longer than them. Why should she give it up? If they want to keep taking advantage then let them continue to leave the child to injure herself it's not ops problem it's the childs mother's problem. If she wasn't such a shit mother the child being injured the first time would be enough for her to change her ways

Show quote history

I agree that its not OP's fault - but if communicating to them that she will not babysit the children when she's there is not working, I would stop going temporarily so that they get bored of it/find something else to do when no one will look after the child.

No point going every time and being miserable or worrying about other peoples children 😑 its exhausting feeling like people are ruining your nice plans. Time to mix it up a bit I say! Not everyone is considerate in the world, and sadly they walk over people as it benefits them.