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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just because I'm there doesn't mean I'm free childcare

364 replies

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:13

I go out once a week and take my DDs with me 7 and 13. It's a social evening thing, the girls love it, there are different activities on.
My sister has started coming fine no issue with that. Her mate is now coming with her DD 8
This is where the issue is. They swan off for 15-30 min cig breaks and leave the child unattended. Going for a cig is the announcement and off they pop.
Last night child of sisters friend was messing about and has hurt themselves, mum nowhere to be seen for over 20mins.
I am being blamed for not watching the child 😳
Apparently announcing I'm going for a cig is que for me to watch her child - never have either said can you watch DD while I nip out. Plus I don't know this child, met her a few times that's it.
When this happened I should have been sat with/watching her DD not participating in an activity my DDs wanted to do.

My sister is trying to rip me a new one and her friend has threatened to report me to SS for neglect, as it was my neglect (according to them) that has caused this hospital visit and her to be reported to SS.

Should I have watched this child
YANBU you have your DDs she needs to step up
YABU she's a single mum provide free cig breaks child care for her

OP posts:
wombat15 · 04/10/2024 13:47

diddl · 04/10/2024 13:37

If someone with an 8yr old told me that they were "going for a cig" I'd take it that that was for should the kid ask where her mum was, not that I needed to watch her.

That is what I would assume to.

wombat15 · 04/10/2024 13:45

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2024 12:39

Did you make it clear that you wasn't going to watch the child? It's obvious that's what was expected. The child's been let down by all adults, including the leader who said that they were going to have a word. You might all think that you ard being nice, but it's ended with a child being injured. If there were stairs close by, it could have been a serious head injury. The CCTV could be useful, because if any of the staff were around, she should have been stopped, but they also shouldhavechecked that someoneis in chargeof every child. The first time she was left, you should have spoken up.

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They were in a social club not a children's playground. The only adults responsible for the child are the parents if they haven't specifically asked any one else to look after her.

Toddlertantrums222 · 04/10/2024 13:43

Butnothingsclear · 04/10/2024 08:45

Not at 8 surely? You’d assume the parent knew their child would be ok.

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It’s not the child’s fault the mum left them so I would still keep an eye yes, in case she left the restaurant or something like that.

Toddlertantrums222 · 04/10/2024 13:42

CoffeeGood · 04/10/2024 09:00

Even if you were in the middle of doing a different activity with your own child?

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Every couple minutes I would be checking she’s still there yes. But I’m a bit anxious like that, I would be more concerned about her leaving the restaurant .

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 04/10/2024 13:37

There's another thing point, which is that buggering off to smoke when you take your child somewhere is terrible. Who does that?

diddl · 04/10/2024 13:37

If someone with an 8yr old told me that they were "going for a cig" I'd take it that that was for should the kid ask where her mum was, not that I needed to watch her.

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2024 13:34

Butnothingsclear · 04/10/2024 12:44

The OP didn’t make it clear that she wasn’t going to watch the child because;

  1. she wasn’t asked.
  2. she wasn’t with the child when the mother said she was going
  3. the child is 8 and therefore the assumption would be that the mother had assessed the situation and her child’s ability to make good choices as safe enough.

There is only one person responsible here, and that is the mother.

If the child was 3 or 4 then I’d agree that all adults witnessing the child be abandoned would have some responsibility. The mother would still be ultimately responsible though.

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The OP was watching the child colour in her DD's colouring book, as the Mother walked away. It sounds like the OP and leader have gossiped about the situation, but done nothing. The leader has to have policies and procedures to open. The accident would have had to be noted and submitted to the LA. SS will have a word with her, if she tells the truth that she had concerns, but did nothing. She's broken safeguarding. I thought that most of us thought of child protection as everyone's business, obviously not.

Anywherebuthere · 04/10/2024 13:25

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 07:25

I’ve said you are being unreasonable because by your own admission you were not watching an eight rear old child when you knew nobody else was.

If you weren’t able to watch the child along with your own, you should have spoken up at the time. So when they announced they were going for a cig you say “I’m tied up with my DC at the moment, could you take yours with you”

Your post reads like you got the hump, behaved in a passive aggressive way and now it’s backfired because the child ended up in hospital.

Equally, the other mum is being unreasonable to expect you to look after her child…and to take such long fag breaks. It’s incredibly antisocial of them to leave you sat alone and with all the kids for so long.

Edited

Doesn't work like that. Announcing you're going somewhere doesn't mean it's ok to leave your child unsupervised. And that is what the sisters friend is doing.

She hasn't checked with OP if she is ok to watch her child while she goes out. It's not OP responsibility to speak up and say no to anything because she hasn't been asked for anything.

The sister and friend are the ones being unreasonable not OP.

However, that being said personally I'd still kind of have my eye on the kid if I could without neglecting my own.

Nanny0gg · 04/10/2024 13:13

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:58

I have just sent my sister the below

I have been attending this night for the last 2.5 years and 1.5 years with the girls. You and friend have been coming approximately 8 weeks. Every week you and friend have left 8Y unattended when you go for cigs. Not once was I asked to watch child just expected. I am sorry that child has been hurt, however I attend to participate with my children not look after others. If she wants a child free night out get a babysitter like the rest of us. Tell your friend i am happy to speak to SS on her behalf and explain the abysmal attitude I have seen her show over the last 8 weeks. I am also happy to explain to them what I do with my children while in attendance.
I'm not entertaining this any longer, I am not to blame for her failings. Have a good day I'm off to work now.

Good

I do think the club owners should make it VERY clear that the children have to be supervised at all times by their parents/carers

Wheresthebeach · 04/10/2024 13:08

Good for you OP. Terrible behaviour from the Mum and your sister. Hopefully they will scuttle off now and realise you are not there for their benefit.

Brefugee · 04/10/2024 13:01

They are absolute entitled and rude CF but I think it was clear that they expecting you to watch the child by telling you they were going for a cigarette. If you weren’t willing or able to take on the responsibility, you should have spoken up rather than saying nothing and not keeping an eye the kid. Poor child.

No. No. No.

It is like doing things in the military or other similar safety procedures. The first person asks the 2nd person if they are ready to assume responsiblity and don't take the next step unless they have a clear and unambiguous affermative reply

I don't know what you lot do, but with my smaller DCs i NEVER EVER left them alone unless i knew someone was actively, with their knowledge, keeping an eye on them.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 04/10/2024 12:56

NeedToChangeName · 04/10/2024 10:34

Sounds like you knew they were expecting you to supervise the child, so I'd say YABU to deny any responsibility

If you weren't willing to supervise, you should have said so

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If the mother wanted supervision she needed to ask. OP did say she was keeping a rough eye on her which is all you'd expect to need to do wrih an 8 year old. If you're 8 year old needs close supervision you supervise them and you don't go off without being sure someone is keeping a dedicated eye on them, which is completely unreasonable to expect from someone with their own younger kid. Not OPs responsibility.

Whalesong · 04/10/2024 12:56

YANBU at all. Keep enjoying the activity with your children. I doubt you'll have to worry about seeing the friend there again.

GreyCarpet · 04/10/2024 12:55

Did you make it clear that you wasn't going to watch the child? It's obvious that's what was expected.

She wasn't asked. It doesn't matter what someone else's unspoken expectation is.

It's not obvious that's what was expected. For the all the OP knew, she might have already asked someone else or believed that the child didn't need supervising.

Where does the 'expectation' to supervise other people's children end?

Lindy2 · 04/10/2024 12:51

You've done nothing wrong OP.

Keep going to the activity with your children. It sounds lovely.

Hopefully your sister and her friend will stop going now and will let you carry on enjoying your night out.

Your sister has behaved awfully towards you and I'm glad you let her know that.

Butnothingsclear · 04/10/2024 12:44

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2024 12:39

Did you make it clear that you wasn't going to watch the child? It's obvious that's what was expected. The child's been let down by all adults, including the leader who said that they were going to have a word. You might all think that you ard being nice, but it's ended with a child being injured. If there were stairs close by, it could have been a serious head injury. The CCTV could be useful, because if any of the staff were around, she should have been stopped, but they also shouldhavechecked that someoneis in chargeof every child. The first time she was left, you should have spoken up.

Show quote history

The OP didn’t make it clear that she wasn’t going to watch the child because;

  1. she wasn’t asked.
  2. she wasn’t with the child when the mother said she was going
  3. the child is 8 and therefore the assumption would be that the mother had assessed the situation and her child’s ability to make good choices as safe enough.

There is only one person responsible here, and that is the mother.

If the child was 3 or 4 then I’d agree that all adults witnessing the child be abandoned would have some responsibility. The mother would still be ultimately responsible though.

Thursdaygirl · 04/10/2024 12:44

I am horrified at your sister!!!

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2024 12:42

Mamasperspective · 04/10/2024 12:34

Report her for neglect for leaving her child ... speak to SS yourself and say that you were not asked to take any responsibility for her child! It's not your responsibility

Edited

Except it sounds as though the sister is backing her friend, so you've got two people's word against one. As said in my pp, the leader hasn't done her job properly either.

takethattastic · 04/10/2024 12:40

They are angry because they know they are wrong and looking for someone to blame. Absolutely not your fault!!

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2024 12:39

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 11:58

I'm not not going my girls love it and have made some great friends, they are also socialising with people from all age ranges.
Unfortunately this is the only practical location for us to attend and still be in bed by 9.30pm

Did you make it clear that you wasn't going to watch the child? It's obvious that's what was expected. The child's been let down by all adults, including the leader who said that they were going to have a word. You might all think that you ard being nice, but it's ended with a child being injured. If there were stairs close by, it could have been a serious head injury. The CCTV could be useful, because if any of the staff were around, she should have been stopped, but they also shouldhavechecked that someoneis in chargeof every child. The first time she was left, you should have spoken up.

RampantIvy · 04/10/2024 12:38

Hospital have referred to SS as mum didn't know what happened child said she wasn't there

The mum has well and truly shot herself in the foot there (or rather, her DD did it for her).
Hopefully SS will also point her in the direction of a stop smoking course Grin

Mamasperspective · 04/10/2024 12:34

Report her for neglect for leaving her child ... speak to SS yourself and say that you were not asked to take any responsibility for her child! It's not your responsibility

GreyCarpet · 04/10/2024 12:31

It takes around 3-5 mins to smoke a cigarette. So the mum wasnt in any hurry to get back and relieve the OP of her presumed childcare responsibility.

She was taking the piss and she's panicking now because she knows how bad it looks and she's worried about getting into trouble.

She's projecting because she knows she was in the wrong.

Mamabobogo · 04/10/2024 12:25

Miffylou · 04/10/2024 11:34

Yes, of course it was the mother's responsibility and she should have asked every time, and of course the mother and OP's sister are totally wrong to be blaming the OP.

But all the same, that is not the child's fault (though of course messing around was her fault). Since the mother didn’t ask every time, or at all, it’s unfortunate that the child suffered the consequences.

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You’re right it’s not the child’s fault, it’s her lax mothers.

wombat15 · 04/10/2024 12:24

GPNightmare · 04/10/2024 12:18

This ^.

They are absolute entitled and rude CF but I think it was clear that they expecting you to watch the child by telling you they were going for a cigarette. If you weren’t willing or able to take on the responsibility, you should have spoken up rather than saying nothing and not keeping an eye the kid. Poor child.

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I can see why people wouldn't want the argument and given they didn't ask it is in no way OP's responsibility.