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Original poster

Just because I'm there doesn't mean I'm free childcare

364 replies

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:13

I go out once a week and take my DDs with me 7 and 13. It's a social evening thing, the girls love it, there are different activities on.
My sister has started coming fine no issue with that. Her mate is now coming with her DD 8
This is where the issue is. They swan off for 15-30 min cig breaks and leave the child unattended. Going for a cig is the announcement and off they pop.
Last night child of sisters friend was messing about and has hurt themselves, mum nowhere to be seen for over 20mins.
I am being blamed for not watching the child 😳
Apparently announcing I'm going for a cig is que for me to watch her child - never have either said can you watch DD while I nip out. Plus I don't know this child, met her a few times that's it.
When this happened I should have been sat with/watching her DD not participating in an activity my DDs wanted to do.

My sister is trying to rip me a new one and her friend has threatened to report me to SS for neglect, as it was my neglect (according to them) that has caused this hospital visit and her to be reported to SS.

Should I have watched this child
YANBU you have your DDs she needs to step up
YABU she's a single mum provide free cig breaks child care for her

OP posts:
Chaiilatte · 04/10/2024 17:41

Just read all the updates. I can't believe your sister has given your number. What a horrible thing to be dragged in to from a woman you barely know. Nasty pieces of work! Prob knows she's neglected the poor kid and using you as the scapegoat

PsychoHotSauce · 04/10/2024 17:40

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 17:30

Exactly. But why didn’t OP clarify she wouldn’t be keeping an eye on the child?

I mean, it is normal to use your words when somebody is obviously expecting something of you.

Show quote history

I don't know what sort of circles you mix in, but if a mother wants to leave their child to go somewhere, they proactively make sure they are looked after. they don't just leave and hope for the best, because that's called neglect.

mbosnz · 04/10/2024 17:38

Abdicating responsibility for the supervision of your child does not equate to another person tacitly accepting, or being tasked with the responsibility of supervising that child. It simply means that you have abandoned your responsibilities, and whatever happens to that child because they weren't being supervised, remains fully your responsibility. And thank God that is all that happened to this child in this instance, and her mother has the everloving shit scared out of her to ensure she never does this again.

diddl · 04/10/2024 17:34

But why didn’t OP clarify she wouldn’t be keeping an eye on the child?

She was doing activities with her own kid-I would have thought it was self evident that she wouldn't then be acting as childcare for another.

InterIgnis · 04/10/2024 17:33

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 17:30

Exactly. But why didn’t OP clarify she wouldn’t be keeping an eye on the child?

I mean, it is normal to use your words when somebody is obviously expecting something of you.

Show quote history

Because she didn’t need to. It wasn’t her responsibility to correct the mother’s mistake any more than it was her responsibility to watch the child. It was on to use her own words and not make it in the first place - that she didn’t is her own fault.

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 17:30

InterIgnis · 04/10/2024 17:20

Yes, mum repeatedly made the mistake of assuming and this time it bit her on the ass.

At no point did OP accept responsibility for this child. That her mother assumed she did, didn’t oblige OP in any way. OP didn’t need to do anything but what she did do - it wasn’t on her to establish that she wasn’t looking after the child, it was it entirely on the mother to make sure her child was supervised. She didn’t.

Show quote history

Exactly. But why didn’t OP clarify she wouldn’t be keeping an eye on the child?

I mean, it is normal to use your words when somebody is obviously expecting something of you.

letthemalldoone · 04/10/2024 17:30

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 16:03

OP didn’t need to read the mother’s mind. Mum had done this before! OP knew exactly what was happening.

Equally, I think the time the mum was gone is irrelevant. She’s too young to be left alone in a public place for even 5 minutes.

This is why when the mum mentioned having a cigarette, OP had all the facts she needed to ask mum to take her child with her or find some other way of saying that she wouldn’t be able to watch her.

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Absolutely not! The mum should never have made that assumption!

@itsmeits tell them to bring it on! And don't entertain any more of their nonsense!

InterIgnis · 04/10/2024 17:20

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 16:03

OP didn’t need to read the mother’s mind. Mum had done this before! OP knew exactly what was happening.

Equally, I think the time the mum was gone is irrelevant. She’s too young to be left alone in a public place for even 5 minutes.

This is why when the mum mentioned having a cigarette, OP had all the facts she needed to ask mum to take her child with her or find some other way of saying that she wouldn’t be able to watch her.

Show quote history

Yes, mum repeatedly made the mistake of assuming and this time it bit her on the ass.

At no point did OP accept responsibility for this child. That her mother assumed she did, didn’t oblige OP in any way. OP didn’t need to do anything but what she did do - it wasn’t on her to establish that she wasn’t looking after the child, it was it entirely on the mother to make sure her child was supervised. She didn’t.

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 04/10/2024 16:48

Well done, OP. I hope they have a stern conversation with the actual mother of the child about her neglecting her child.

Ohnobackagain · 04/10/2024 16:43

@itsmeits tough on your sister. Definitely don’t let her move in. Hopefully this will all be resolved soon.

Butnothingsclear · 04/10/2024 16:42

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 16:03

OP didn’t need to read the mother’s mind. Mum had done this before! OP knew exactly what was happening.

Equally, I think the time the mum was gone is irrelevant. She’s too young to be left alone in a public place for even 5 minutes.

This is why when the mum mentioned having a cigarette, OP had all the facts she needed to ask mum to take her child with her or find some other way of saying that she wouldn’t be able to watch her.

Show quote history

I think we will have to agree to disagree. I think the responsibility here as 100% the mothers. There is no % of responsibility for anyone else.

Dennaes · 04/10/2024 16:42

OP, well done, well handled.
Your sister is truly awful.
Back far away from her and the dregs she hangs around with.
Good call to keep her away from your home and family.
People like that drag people down with them.
She has shown you EXACTLY who she is with her behaviour.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 04/10/2024 16:42

I would text your sister and let her know that you have set the record straight with SS!

Notamum12345577 · 04/10/2024 16:38

Some people just take the mick! And 20-30 min is a long fag break!

SinnerBoy · 04/10/2024 16:32

DoreenonTill8 · Today 07:19

So she's happy for you to speak to SS and confirm all the times she's abandoned her child?

That's the nail hit firmly on the head!

Original poster
itsmeits · 04/10/2024 16:30

Not once have I ever offered to watch the child.
Not once have I directly been asked to watch child.
Yes I have met child a few times over her 8 years, I do not know her or comfortable being forced to watch her.
This was supposed to be a nice treat for my girls and I, where we could bond and learn some new skills.

SS have rang my lovely sister has passed my number on as I was in charge when it happened! Her friend has done nothing wrong apparently, apart from have a cig with her mate 🤐
(she's pissed as she's split up with her partner of several years and I won't let her move in with me. My house has 3 bedrooms I have 3 kids and I'm open plan downstairs!! Where the hell can she go!?)

I have told SS that I wasn't responsible for the child and was busy looking after my 7 year old and keeping an eye on my 12 year old. I have passed the details on for the club owner - not the even organiser separate people - if they wish to see the CCTV of the room and the fact I was actively participating in an activity and no where near the child when they left to go outside. They have said I'm not likely to hear from them again.

Sounds like mum is passing book of blame due to child saying she was on her own, when she fell. Child hasn't mentioned me just mum and auntie (what she calles my sister) weren't there. SS were thinking I was family to due to my sis being called Auntie by child.

Stairs that child fell down - I should have been clear it's two steps. Think social club with some seats on a slightly raised platform.

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 04/10/2024 16:26

Where we lived when my DS was small we would get neighbors like this. Tip the child out and then just expect whoever was there to mind them. No it doesn't work like this.

If I ever left my DS whilst I popped to get milk or something I'd always ask my neighbor to watch him, let him know she was watching him and I'd look after her DC in return. But it wasn't often.

You tell them both you have your own DC to look after. Let them report you. Report you to SS for not looking after a child that isn't yours and that you didn't agree to look after!

Also they've buggered up next time with this because you will never look after the child.

itsjustbiology · 04/10/2024 16:17

Her child her responsibility..no blame on you

GreyCarpet · 04/10/2024 16:09

Brefugee · 04/10/2024 13:01

They are absolute entitled and rude CF but I think it was clear that they expecting you to watch the child by telling you they were going for a cigarette. If you weren’t willing or able to take on the responsibility, you should have spoken up rather than saying nothing and not keeping an eye the kid. Poor child.

No. No. No.

It is like doing things in the military or other similar safety procedures. The first person asks the 2nd person if they are ready to assume responsiblity and don't take the next step unless they have a clear and unambiguous affermative reply

I don't know what you lot do, but with my smaller DCs i NEVER EVER left them alone unless i knew someone was actively, with their knowledge, keeping an eye on them.

Edited

Absolutely spot on.

As is the comparison to consent.

Ther are just some things you don't assume

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 16:03

Butnothingsclear · 04/10/2024 14:19

So the OP should have read the mothers mind and that ‘I am going out for fag’ actually means ‘I am going out for half an hour me time, my DC is 8 but you will still need to keep an eye on her for me because she doesn’t always make the best decisions. So although we are not friends and we never agreed that you would offer childcare, I’m assuming you will do it, at the drop of a hat, just by me mentioning a fag break.’

So ‘I am going out for a fag’
‘I am sorry, I can’t watch your DC for you’

It wouldn’t make any sense.

Show quote history

OP didn’t need to read the mother’s mind. Mum had done this before! OP knew exactly what was happening.

Equally, I think the time the mum was gone is irrelevant. She’s too young to be left alone in a public place for even 5 minutes.

This is why when the mum mentioned having a cigarette, OP had all the facts she needed to ask mum to take her child with her or find some other way of saying that she wouldn’t be able to watch her.

MotherJessAndKittens · 04/10/2024 16:02

It sounds like she's trying to make some story up for SS. Not your problem. Child is 8 and presumably spends some time playing not in sight of Mum. Sounds like there is more to it and maybe hospital have records of other instances of child being injured and reported. Would be on her records. Definitely not your circus!

AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2024 16:00

@itsmeits

Great message!

I have a feeling neither will attend in the future, but if they do and they say "Off for a cig" that you respond "You need to take <child's name> with you as I am busy with my children so will not be watching her". And say it LOUD.

CautiousLurker · 04/10/2024 15:59

30percent · 04/10/2024 10:31

I disagree. This is ops place she has been going to it a lot longer than them. Why should she give it up? If they want to keep taking advantage then let them continue to leave the child to injure herself it's not ops problem it's the childs mother's problem. If she wasn't such a shit mother the child being injured the first time would be enough for her to change her ways

Show quote history

I’d still go, let sister and friend chose their table and then, pointedly, go and find myself and my children a separate table as far away as possible to make it clear we are not there together and there is no reccprication of childcare expected or on offer. If Dsis kicks off, ignore and go do activities with your kids as if they aren’t there.

Fundays12 · 04/10/2024 15:53

Thanks I didn't know that

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/10/2024 15:51

"I have reached out and asked the club if needs be can SS have the CCTV footage and they have said yes 😊
Owner has said that the child can be wild and she has been thinking of having a word over her DDs behaviour"

It would be a very good thing if the owner had that word ASAP.

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