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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just because I'm there doesn't mean I'm free childcare

364 replies

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:13

I go out once a week and take my DDs with me 7 and 13. It's a social evening thing, the girls love it, there are different activities on.
My sister has started coming fine no issue with that. Her mate is now coming with her DD 8
This is where the issue is. They swan off for 15-30 min cig breaks and leave the child unattended. Going for a cig is the announcement and off they pop.
Last night child of sisters friend was messing about and has hurt themselves, mum nowhere to be seen for over 20mins.
I am being blamed for not watching the child 😳
Apparently announcing I'm going for a cig is que for me to watch her child - never have either said can you watch DD while I nip out. Plus I don't know this child, met her a few times that's it.
When this happened I should have been sat with/watching her DD not participating in an activity my DDs wanted to do.

My sister is trying to rip me a new one and her friend has threatened to report me to SS for neglect, as it was my neglect (according to them) that has caused this hospital visit and her to be reported to SS.

Should I have watched this child
YANBU you have your DDs she needs to step up
YABU she's a single mum provide free cig breaks child care for her

OP posts:
HighPrecisionGhosts · 04/10/2024 09:37

20mins for a fag. How big is this fag?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 04/10/2024 09:33

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:58

I have just sent my sister the below

I have been attending this night for the last 2.5 years and 1.5 years with the girls. You and friend have been coming approximately 8 weeks. Every week you and friend have left 8Y unattended when you go for cigs. Not once was I asked to watch child just expected. I am sorry that child has been hurt, however I attend to participate with my children not look after others. If she wants a child free night out get a babysitter like the rest of us. Tell your friend i am happy to speak to SS on her behalf and explain the abysmal attitude I have seen her show over the last 8 weeks. I am also happy to explain to them what I do with my children while in attendance.
I'm not entertaining this any longer, I am not to blame for her failings. Have a good day I'm off to work now.

Bravo!!

Belle82 · 04/10/2024 09:31

Sorry, but what a pair of a**eholes.
SS will not even bat an eyelid at you, but that mother wants to be a bit worried.

Strictlymad · 04/10/2024 09:31

Yes that’s perfect!

Caramellie3 · 04/10/2024 09:29

It sounds like you knew what happened before the parent. As the parent disappeared for 20 minutes. It also sounds like the child had an accident that would have happened whether you or the parent was watching. Ss are more likely to want to know what the parent disappeared for. Not you.

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 09:27

YoYoYoYo12345 · 04/10/2024 07:32

Announcement of cig break doesn't imply you are totally responsible for my child. Doesn't work like that.

@itsmeits they are unreasonable. Enjoy your time with your own children. The mum needs to step up and supervise her own children 🙄

Show quote history

I think you misread my post because that’s not what I said.

Onemoreterm · 04/10/2024 09:26

Her friend is not your friend iyswim

good message to sister

Newoldnameplease · 04/10/2024 09:22

Lengokengo · 04/10/2024 07:50

You are completely in your right to hold your defence.

i have a relative who seems to think that every time we are in an extended family group, that ‘family’ are keeping an eye on her child. She has two boys, one of whom is easy/ placid , the other is definitely not! She and her DH will always wander off at a family event and thus not be remotely keeping an eye on this one boy, it looks casual but it is a deliberate pattern!

They also take the furthest seats away from this boy when eating at a family meal. I really notice it as am on the look out for it now having been stung in the past. You have to be utterly vigilant otherwise you are dumped with the responsibility and saying ‘no don’t climb up there, leave that alone, put that stick down etc etc.’ Now that is mostly left to MIL and older grandchildren as they are the only ones who don’t actively avoid picking up the childcare slack. Once you notice the avoidance of parenting it’s hard to unsee.

Same here. Two incidents to date are: the 3 year-old found wandering in the road alone by a passer by and the 5 year-old climbing graves and pulling a gravestone over into themselves whilst mum and dad were chatting inside the church.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 04/10/2024 09:22

theeyeofdoe · 04/10/2024 07:20

Just tell her to report you.
make it clear you are not looking after her child.

This

Bring it on I’d say

HighPrecisionGhosts · 04/10/2024 09:22

Oooh @itsmeits - love your message to.your sister.

Sooverwork · 04/10/2024 09:17

DoreenonTill8 · 04/10/2024 07:19

So she's happy for you to speak to SS and confirm all the times she's abandoned her child?

Good point. Write down all the times she’s left her child unattended.

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 09:16

Let us know her response, OP.

I hope you make it clear to sis she is no longer welcome to join you if she asks to come again.

Dennaes · 04/10/2024 09:14

Excellent response.
Your sister is a right nasty piece of work to blame you.
Her friend is a disgrace.
I would add that you have established that the CCTV is available for viewing and you will be happy to tell SS this too.

You need to distance yourself from them, and tell the rest of your family why.

Poor child, clearly neglected.

Babadookinthewardrobe · 04/10/2024 09:10

mumsinnets · 04/10/2024 08:43

Is the event Bingo? Walked past and never seen so many smoking women outside. 🤮

What a horrible attitude you have. You think you’re a cut above them clearly. I don’t think you are judging by this comment.

CoffeeGood · 04/10/2024 09:00

Toddlertantrums222 · 04/10/2024 08:38

The mother should have asked you explicitly to watch the child, but if I was in that situation, I would naturally be keeping an eye on her if I knew there was no one else watching her.

Even if you were in the middle of doing a different activity with your own child?

Lobelia123 · 04/10/2024 08:59

Your sisters a Grade A asshole too who sounds about on the same level of maturity as her friend, as she seems to be buying into this narrative and backing her mate up. I would distance myself from her and her mooching neglectful mate.

PrettyPickle · 04/10/2024 08:59

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:58

I have just sent my sister the below

I have been attending this night for the last 2.5 years and 1.5 years with the girls. You and friend have been coming approximately 8 weeks. Every week you and friend have left 8Y unattended when you go for cigs. Not once was I asked to watch child just expected. I am sorry that child has been hurt, however I attend to participate with my children not look after others. If she wants a child free night out get a babysitter like the rest of us. Tell your friend i am happy to speak to SS on her behalf and explain the abysmal attitude I have seen her show over the last 8 weeks. I am also happy to explain to them what I do with my children while in attendance.
I'm not entertaining this any longer, I am not to blame for her failings. Have a good day I'm off to work now.

Has your sister or her friend responded? Personally I am behind you all the way. Telling you they are off for a cig is not ensuring the child is supervised - its making a statement of their intent not of your acceptance of responsibility. They need to grow up.

Alalalala · 04/10/2024 08:58

Tell them to go for it and report to SS because it will be clear who the lacking parent is, and it isn’t you.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 04/10/2024 08:57

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:58

I have just sent my sister the below

I have been attending this night for the last 2.5 years and 1.5 years with the girls. You and friend have been coming approximately 8 weeks. Every week you and friend have left 8Y unattended when you go for cigs. Not once was I asked to watch child just expected. I am sorry that child has been hurt, however I attend to participate with my children not look after others. If she wants a child free night out get a babysitter like the rest of us. Tell your friend i am happy to speak to SS on her behalf and explain the abysmal attitude I have seen her show over the last 8 weeks. I am also happy to explain to them what I do with my children while in attendance.
I'm not entertaining this any longer, I am not to blame for her failings. Have a good day I'm off to work now.

Excellent letter.
Don’t think on it any more. Back up the SS report if asked. This woman is a dreadful mother and your sister is just immature.

CheekySwan · 04/10/2024 08:55

Firstly, accidents happen, at 8yr old they should be able to run off and play without you watching them

secondly, you were not there babysitting, not your responsibility, they should not have presumed you were going to watch the child while they kept popping out

It could have easily happened say if the mother had just nipped to the toilet. And they were taking the piss, it takes less than 5 minutes to have a cigarette

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 04/10/2024 08:53

Your message is perfect.

I don’t think she’d be reporting you to social services, I think she’s planning on blaming you if she is reported to social services and they come calling.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/10/2024 08:49

2Old2Tango · 04/10/2024 07:43

You just say what you've said in your thread title. "You're not at the club with me, you're with my sister. Just because I'm there too, it doesn't make me default childcare when you swan off for half an hour. I'm busy supervising and participating in activities with my own children."

This.

Just this. So succinct and without a moment of waffle or deflection because it is the truth.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 04/10/2024 08:46

You need tell this daft woman and your sister that after this experience you will not be watching other people’s children at this event ever again. Put it in writing!

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 04/10/2024 08:46

Not your fault.

Her child, her responsibility. She shouldn't have popped out for a cigarette break. That's the risk she took for not staying and supervise her child.

You shouldn't be expected to babysit everybody's kids when your busy supervising your own.

Butnothingsclear · 04/10/2024 08:45

Toddlertantrums222 · 04/10/2024 08:38

The mother should have asked you explicitly to watch the child, but if I was in that situation, I would naturally be keeping an eye on her if I knew there was no one else watching her.

Not at 8 surely? You’d assume the parent knew their child would be ok.