Was IBU to speak to my son's Dad?

Cut the apron strings and give your head a big wobble.

You have utterly humiliated your son by talking to his dad.

He's unlikely to come to you with something like this again unless you apologise immediately.

@SpiderPlantInTheBathroom , I'm glad you've heard the advice you've received. I'm not sure you're in a place to work on that on your own. I suggest making an appointment with your GP to request some counselling.

You are emotionally dependent on your children, which is unhealthy and a very unfair burden to put on them. No 14 year old should be curtailing his friendships and chances to meet people because he knows his mother will cry over it. He loves you and he sees you are emotionally vulnerable... is that a weight you want a child to carry for you? I'm sure it isn't.

The boys should go out into the world - that's what it's there for. They need to grow, thrive, make mistakes, be hurt, learn, try again, and move forward. Our role as mothers is to prepare them for that as best we can, support them and advocate for them, and help them get back on their feet when they fall.

If you do it right, motherhood is a process of making yourself redundant. That's hard, and it can hurt.

Wouldn't you rather have resilient, independent sons thriving in the world who keep in touch because they want to than sons who can't fulfill their potential because they think you'll fall apart without them?

Or worse, sons who come to resent how close you keep them, so hide things from you and dont keep in touch as adults because of the guilt trips?

It's early days in their teen development. This is a tiny stumble. Learn, get help with your mental wellbeing, and go on to be the mum your lads deserve.

Id ask for the parents number as you just want to check with them it's OK before hw goes. It's not unreasonable to not want to send your son to someone's house who's family you don't know. Doubt the girls parents would be happy to just send their 13/14 yr old daughter to a strangers house. Personally I'd say I'm happy for you to go but would like to speak to the parents/guardians first. It is good he's opening up to you though, I think there always needs to be a happy balance otherwise you risk him not opening up to you or telling you where he is going in the fiture

I am struggling to come to terms with them growing up, finding this incredibly difficult since we left our old home of 9 years
this is your issue to deal with not one to limit your sons life.
He should not be living in fear of upsetting you, him saying he'll go NC when he's older should be your wake up call.

Is that typical of the area you live? Kids and teens where we live spend all day out and about with friends, only going home when they want fed. To not even be allowed to go to someone’s house at 14 is crazy.

I didn’t read your other thread but for the sake of your child and your relationship with him going forward, you need to allow him more freedom and get some help for yourself and dealing with your emotions etc so he doesn’t feel responsible for them and you.

It sounds like you’ve got a lovely boy there, at 14 rather than being so restrictive with what he does and who with, arm with the tools, knowledge and expectations so he can make good choices and be safe. Yes, it’s nerve wracking at first but it’s necessary.

I don’t understand why you contacted his dad about this if you were so sure you’re right? Your ex is your ex for a reason and your son is worried you’ve made his life more difficult because of this by the sound of it.

He must trust you a lot to tell you all this. You sound a good mum.he sounds a lovely kid. I would apologise and let him go.

And not being flippant watch Heartstopper it reminds us how difficult life is when you are a teenager.

Not being unreasonable to speak to his dad but so SO U for stopping him going!

I’m going against the grain but I wish my parents had been as careful as you when I was 14! They might have saved me from an extremely traumatic experience.

I’d have a friendly chat with her parents. Fourteen is still very young.

I read your other thread. Firstly, I think you need to speak to your GP. You seem to be suffering from depression to me. Crying every day because your children are growing up isn't normal behaviour. You need to get help to deal with this. Secondly, this is leading you to be very restrictive with your kids. You go into more detail on the other thread than here, but you are being very overprotective and it's not helping them.

Take the advice you've been given each time. Get some help. And let your son meet the girl.

What's your plan? To keep an iron grip on him until he's 18 & then release him into the world having had no gradual introduction into making decisions about his own safety & relationships? You should have been gradually swapping out the 'control' for 'guidance' for 3 years by now. Your role is to prepare him for adulthood, not keep him in infantile dependency because it's easier than the alternative (worrying about whether they're making the right decisions, picking up the pieces when they don't & helping them learn from their mistakes). No wonder the lad is frustrated to the point of tears.

This is exactly what I was going to say. You posted this already and are acting surprised that you are getting the same answers.
You are lucky your 14 year old talked to you about this but you have successfully made sure he never does again and will just sneak off and do things behind your back.
my parents did this to me they never gave me any leeway so I hid things and trust me teenagers do stupid things and can get themselves into all sorts that you wouldn’t know about.

You can't baby your son forever. Give him some appropriate freedom.

you son has been confiding in you - big tick for your relationship!
You however, are being controlling and now its likely he will stop confiding in you.
yes its mad at 14 not to let him go to another child's house.

Didn't you post about this earlier in the week and were gently encouraged to find support for the way you are feeling but also overwhelmingly encouraged to allow your son some independence here?

Why would you say "really?" You already posted about not letting your son go to this girl's house earlier in the week, and everyone on that post told you you were being overbearing.

I agree it’s incredibly restrictive with a 14 yo

Wow, maybe things are different where we live but my teens 15/14 both out and about all the time. My 14 yr old has a girlfriend and out with her every day! Does she live close?

In addition to the points others have made about this being very overprotective for his age I think it's really worrying that he's making decisions about his social life based on fear of you being upset. It's really unhealthy for him to be so worried about you and how dependent you are on him.

Many parents find it difficult to let go as their kids get older but if you show too much of those feelings he will either restrict his life and be less happy than he could be to keep you "happy" (and potentially resent you for it) or he will rebel and push you away.

Honestly my 10 year old has more freedom than this. He should be able to have a girlfriend and he should be able to go to a friend's house

YABVU - he’s 14, OP, he should be seeing friends without your intervention. That he turned down a date with a wee lass because it would upset you is a MASSIVE red flag that you’re over involved.

Give the poor kid some independence. He’s a teenager.

You expected her parents to be OK with her coming to yours though? Or to be dropped somewhere random by you? If her parents took your line they'd never meet up.

I don't think yabu for having a parenting discussion with your ex, but the comment about not wanting to upset you is concerning , though you don't say what you thought of it.

If it was a boy would you let him go? It sounds very restrictive .at secondary you don't know the parents in the norm.

Her parents don't know you either but you think she should come to your house?

Look, he's 14. Let him go to his pal's house fgs.