to be sad DH won’t buy me flowers?

Did Miley Cyrus teach you nothing?

On a more serious note the flowers are a red herring. You like them and you can afford them. If everything else about your husband was great then the solution would be to just buy your own flowers safe in the knowledge that you're still in a happy and mutually respectful relationship. But the flowers are just a manifestation of his lack of care about your feelings and for what makes you happy.

You've not suffered in silence like we sometimes see on here. You've told him and he's ignored you. You're not even asking him for much and he's failed to do it. I can only assume making you feel loved is not his priority. Either he has to change, you have to learn to put up with it or you move on without him.

Oh and @Whatbloodysummer said. They have it spot on sadly.

You're never going to get flowers or nice gestures off this man. He doesn"t care enough to do it.

The fact he won't buy you a bunch of flowers despite being begged is shit.

Stop doing nice/sweet things for him. He doesn't deserve it.

@flowers808

I'm sorry OP, but he's simply not interested in how you feel, what you want or how his actions/inaction makes you feel.

You've told him that buying you flowers would make you happy, but he won't.

You've told him that you weren't actually quite 'ready' for a baby, but HE was, so hey presto, you now have a baby. (That he 'somewhat' helps care for 🙄)

You've told him that you'd like 'surprises' for Xmas/Bithdays, but he can't be arsed.

You like Taylor Swift, and he only 'tolerates' this sometimes in the car.

He wants to eat out or go somewhere, but he can't be arsed with making ANY kind of effort to arrange it ffs !

Haven't you heard 'when he shows you who he is, believe him'???

He's a selfish, lazy asshole, but you're still only highlighting the 'good bits' in your posts. (Chances are he only stayed at the hospital with you because of a purely selfish reason, rather than out of care for you btw) The 'good bits' are actually the bare bloody MINIMUM most of us expect our husbands/partners to do !

It's this sort of thoughtless and unkind behaviour that kills of a marriage over time.

Well your options are-

Leave him and find someone who matches your energy.

Stop treating him and start treating yourself, book yourself spa days or buy yourself flowers/gifts you will enjoy. Learn to be the person who loves you and treats you. Then you don't have to rely on him to do it.

He won't change, you have told him how it makes you feel and he chooses to ignore that.

Also when you say his love language is touch do you mean he is huggy/kissy affectionate? Or do you mean he just wants sex? Because no physical affection or displays of affection but lots of his needs being met would turn me off too.

He sounds unkind, and thoughtless, you've specifically told him you'd like him to sometimes buy you flowers and he won't. He doesn't want to please you and that's a bad sign, he should always want to make you happy.

Reading your posts, it seems you have told this man regularly that you want flowers or some sort of gesture from him.
So far he has not taken hint, or is refusing to meet your demand
Yet you've stayed with him and had a baby with him. The man that keeps disappointing you.
Do you think he is going to change now?
All you are doing is building up anger and resentment towards him
Is this what you want going forward??

You love flowers so buy them for yourself. Love yourself and try to love your husband for who he is, not resent him for who he isn't.

I thought I was alone in that! I absolutely can't stand getting cut flowers. They seem such a waste of money, and I would always rather have had a more thoughtful and personal gift for the same price.

But I can see the opening poster obviously feels very differently to me, so I think she should listen to Miley Cyrus's Flowers and then kick her thoughtless, selfish, emotionless husband into touch.

So he's unkind in his language and dismisses its significance. He doesn't buy you flowers even though you've specifically asked him for them.

He's not a nice man at all and furthermore is deliberately withholding what would would please you. He knows exactly what's he's doing.

Short term, ask him what he wants for Christmas or his birthday and then don't get it. The he asks why, tell him.

My husband gave me a rose that a seller guilted him into buying, on our first date. We've been together 10 years this month and I've never had any flowers since.

I have bought him lots of flowers, I've also presented him with foraged flowers. He always loves them!

But never buys me any.

What he does do is daily acts of kindness. Brings me coffee in bed, buys me other little presents. Surprises, lovely cards.

Does your dh do other things for you?

The flowers aren't important.

He isn’t always the kindest with words and can be hurtful, he’s a strong believer that it’s just in the moment and has no lasting impact, but I do find it sometimes hurtful.

This is.

The being hurtful is going to get old very quickly. Was he always like this? Did you overlook it before planning kids or has he changed since. Either option is bad.

The same goes with the flowers. Did he always buy you flowers or did you overlook the fact he didn't beforehand?
I'd let the flowers go and would just buy my own. I wouldn't let him think it's ok to say unkind or hurtful things go though.
You have a whole lifetime in front of you. He needs to know now that it's not acceptable to say hurtful things. What will you do if he behaves like that to your kids? Kids can be annoying, if he can't control himself with you can you trust him not to snap at the kids. If he won't understand that he has to change then maybe therapy?

I've been married forever and I used to dismiss my husbands very occasional hissy fits (see, I'm still dismissing them!) he worked so hard for our family and is otherwise an amazing person but I eventually realised I HATED those bloody hissy fits and the effect they had on me. They could be months apart but they would still upset me. Maybe that's me being over sensitive but IDK. It's ended up that I spoke up more, we grew older, life was much less stressful and the hissy fits stopped and we get to live happily ever after.
I regret not being more proactive about it when I was younger.
I think many young women want to settle down and have kids and their hormones are screaming at them to get a move on so they put up with behaviour that isn't ok.

Here are some flowers from me 💐

Buy them for yourself it might make him think.

I’ve been a single mum for over a decade, and started dating a couple of years ago. Finally met the right guy and we’ve been together several months now, we were having a chat about our histories and somehow I ended up explaining how I’ve pretty much been single 10 years other than dating and short lived things recently, haven’t done Xmas with a guy for a decade or new years, I said a man hasn’t bought me flowers for a decade.

Next time I went over to his for a night of desert and a movie, I walked in and he gave me a dozen roses. He’s a good guy.

I can’t believe your husband won’t get you flowers. Not exactly a good guy…

Agree with this - concise and hits the nail on the head - look after yourself, it's sad but he's not listening.

Genuine question because you are being so honest. Why do you feel like your feelings of being awkward outweigh his feelings of wanting to feel loved and thought about?

yes he could buy it himself but he could feel awkward about buying it now because he feels unworthy and the situation of him asking and being rejected is awkward on both sides.

My husband is like this. It really cuts and I am not sure if we will last to be honest.

Trying to make it work we have been to marriage counselling and personal counselling. Something that occurs in my house and looks like for you is that he isn’t doing “the nice thing” and then acts defensive about it. My DH has a terrible memory and it is quite a disability for him neurologically. However when I ask, hey did you get me a birthday present (on the day) he will get really defensive and act like an arsehole. This creates a lot of hurt and makes the situation worse. He then says my hurt makes him anxious about doing the “thing” or he feels like the gesture is soured and ruined so he can’t fix it.

I wonder if it is possible for you to talk together and break down the steps of together when you are not arguing and identify all the elements of the problem without judgment? Easier said than done but we are trying to work on the way I ask for things, joint memory strategies, acknowledging his efforts even when he falls short and not buying into the defensive argument trap.

I know everyone on here is going to say that sounds grim but it feels constructive and being upset about anniversaries and birthdays was worse.

Usually the retort is “when did you buy me flowers? Why do I have to buy them”. But I do other things - I book restaurants, buy things I think he’d like, taken him on weekends away as surprises. He doesn’t organise anything without running by me, so he may suggest eating out but will ask me where or get me to book, I have to take the mental load of everything.

At first I thought you have a lazy DH. He’s putting the mental load on to you. Then I read another comment you made.

I’m a very anxious and high alert person so maybe he’s right

If you’re the sort of person who’s overly anxious then perhaps he can’t do right for doing wrong? He’s maybe worried about setting your anxiety off? You say he buys you high value things do you choose these things? He doesn’t organise anything himself but “runs it by you”. It sounds like he’s a bit scared of upsetting you tbh. As for the comment you made that your mum goes to great effort, he’s not your mum and you need to stop making comparisons.

You don’t sound suited tbh.

This sounds incredibly sad, your comments about not feeling seen or special.
You can't expect someone to do the perfect gestures, it just doesn't come naturally to some people.
But not doing anything for your anniversary after you asked isn't nice.
How about little gestures, does he do those things to make you feel seen? Eg cups of tea in the morning, doing a household task you hate, looking after you when you're ill, making it easy for you to do an activity you enjoy? Even telling you specific things he appreciates or admires about you?

It’s a love language thing. I’d be thrilled if my husband of nearly 40 years bought me flowers but I’m resigned to the fact that romantic gifts and gestures are not his way of showing affection.

It’s sad but OTOH decades of mutual financial support, spider removal, morning coffee, laughs and fidelity are worth a lot.

Don’t do things for him until he starts doing nice thoughtful things for you….if he ever does. As for the flowers it’s ruined now as they never materialised so it’s too little too late and become a ‘thing’ rather than a nice gesture.

I like flowers too or especially plants. I very very occasionally get some from my DH or my adult DC and always try to make them last as long as possible.

So in between I buy lots of beautiful plants for myself for my tiny garden, lots of houseplants especially the on offer nearly dead sorts and revitalise them. so there’s usually always a plant in flower somewhere in the house. Plants really help me with my MH.

I also buy flowers for my DH if I’m out and about and see some pretty ones so I think our relationship is probably unusual in that way. I’ve got nothing to go on as my parents divorced and I never saw any flower buying from anyone growing up so I just do what I think is nice and makes someone smile and know they are thought of.

I've never received a Valentine's card, gift, flowers etc in my life. Yes, it would be nice to.

Clean tea towel or dirty tea towel?

I've chosen to focus on myself and my female support network and my own family. My DH is also not the type to buy me flowers, very disappointing