Partner with autism lacks empathy: what is a good response?

Honestly, my brain just doesnt click with emotion and when other people talk about their feelings, i have no idea really whats going on but i know i need to make a response, and that response in my mind is whir through a collection of possible outcomes and offer a solution to fix or mitigate whatever is creating the upset so that it stops and you/someone feels better.
I know it comes across as callous and not in touch with feelings, but some people arent, but even if they arent, they still want to try and repair what is happening, even if its by saying something that seems utterly outrageous like "you can choose how to react"
Not helpful to you, but to the cold brained, a perfectly reasonable solution.
Hard to describe, but i can tell you that however clumsy, that was meant to help.

I sometimes think male brains respond differently to female ones. If I have a problem my husband tries to solve it when I want empathy! First husband was the same.

Can be annoying at times

I would say “I actually can’t. The feeling comes, it’s overwhelming and I have to deal with it.”

Explain how your brains work to each other as you go through things.

Yeah this likely isn’t an autism thing, I’d probably say the same. I do think you might try being specific what you’re looking for from him.

“I need to vent… Patty has ghosted me and I feel like shit”
”No problem solving just need to get this off my chest”
”This situation hurt my feelings and I need to sympathy “

Explain that you’re looking for comfort and emotional validation when you say things like that, not a solution. Give an example of what that looks like, so you’re giving him a model to use. Then keep reminding him when he inevitably doesn’t do it right away. Eventually he should get it. The key thing is that you want him to listen, you want to feel heard and understood. He needs to learn and practise that skill. He needs to agree to learn and practise that skill.

Yes, I don't think it's at all an unhelpful response. But obviously, if what you want is sympathy, or a hug, or for him to say 'That woman was always a bitch!' (whether this is in any way accurate), then you may need to say so, clearly.

In fairness, while it's direct, it's pretty much exactly what a therapist might tell you: you can't control how you feel and you have every right to be upset, but you can control how you react to this situation.

If you want a particular emotional response then you can tell him so. "I don't want solutions, I just want a hug and some sympathy, I'm feeling sad about xyz." Or open with what you want: "Can I have a hug? I'm feeling sad about xyz."

With my Autistic friends, I have to spell out what I want from them, so instead of making a statement about what happened, make the statement in future about how the happening has affected you, and what you want from him.
E.g. “My other friend ghosting me has really hurt my feelings - can I have a hug to make me feel better?” may elicit the response you are after…

This might not necessarily be anything about autism or empathy, and more him thinking you’re looking for advice or a solution to how you’re feeling. Perhaps being clear about when you’re just looking to have a moan, or would like a hug, or want to wallow for a bit; and when you’d like constructive advice or help with a problem would help?