Partner with autism lacks empathy: what is a good response?

And yes "you can choose how you react to it" is terrific advice to stop someone wallowing. Whatever you're feeling, your course of action still needs to be a conscious decision.

It doesn’t make sense to ask for empathy from an autistic person who doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to give that.

This is what you sign up for when you have a relationship with someone whose autism is expressed that way.

You need to lean on your friends and other family.

That was actually good advice. Odd it upset you.

I'm also a solution-focused fixer. I don't think it's a sex thing or even an autism thing. When someone complains to me my mind only goes to what concrete steps they can take, or I can help with, to resolve their problem. When I complain to someone it's because I can't think of a solution and I want them to come up with one! I don't want a hug and I don't want them to just hear me out.

OP, how long have you been going out with your partner? If it's a fairly new relationship it's OK to realise you need a partner who's better at the whole huggy empathy stuff, and go and find one. If it's a longer-term one, if he's got enough good points that outweigh this, you might need to just deal with the fact that this is how he is, and it's a very common personality trait. He won't change and you shouldn't make him change.

I think this is really defeatist. That we should turn to others for emotional comfort and give up on emotionally connecting with our partners because they’ve not learned that skill yet. It’s not impossible or faking anything, it’s just pausing and allowing space for emotions. Emotions are really intense with autism so it’s a defence mechanism to close yourself off from them, but it’s not in your best interest to do so.

An autistic person applying the "What would I want in that situation?" rule, and offering the support that instinctively feels the most helpful and natural to them, is often dismissed as unempathetic and insensitive. They may learn, or be told, to try and suppress their natural empathetic response, and remember to substitute it with the unintuitive response that the other person actually needs. Difficult to learn with a social communication disorder, but sure, I do my best.

Meanwhile, no matter how many times I tell someone that being touched when I'm upset or stressed only multiplies my distress, many people cannot/will not learn to suppress their natural, instinctive response of a shoulder-pat, an arm-stroke, a hug, a handhold. I try to hide the additional distress they've caused, for the sake of their feelings. But if I explain and request that they don't touch me when upset — or even if they've seen it push me into a state of wordless panicked withdrawal that takes hours to recover from — they'll go right ahead and touch me again the next time. It just feels right to them to touch a distressed person, I guess, and they either forget it won't help, or just think that their way is right regardless. Such empathy.

I was going to say exactly this. Autistic people don’t lack empathy, they show empathy differently.

He’s absolutely right in what he said, and I personally would’ve found his comment helpful.

Or in other words, "You can choose how to react" 🤣

I don’t think it’s necessarily an innate sex-based thing, so much as how we’ve been raised to handle emotions, conflict, and challenging situations: and I suspect that because of the way boys and girls are socialised differently, with boys often discouraged from being emotional and encouraged to “do” rather than “be”, many men end up with that mindset more so than women.

I’m a solutions-focussed type, I very rarely get upset or anxious or stressed or scared, but when I do my immediate reaction is to think “what can I do to sort this situation out?” The last thing I want is somebody placating me or agreeing that I should be upset because it doesn’t help the problem!

I’ve learned over time that others respond differently to their emotions, and I’ve gotten much better at just offering friends who want it sympathy, or a hug, or letting them cry and have a vent; but it often feels terribly false and empty to do so, because inside I’m often thinking “what’s the point of all this, it isn’t actually addressing the issue that’s making you upset / anxious” (although I accept that some people do feel that the sympathy does help the problem) and it’s definitely not something which comes instinctively.

So how have you changed to accommodate him? Serious question.

But that means you expect the other person to change how they think, because you won't or can't. And you don't think you are being unreasonable !

How about each of you accept how the other thinks, and when you need to vent, or when he needs a logical answer to a problem, you each choose someone else in your family circle to provide what is necessary.

He is right though.

You can choose how you react to things and how they throw you off

There's a great book about this I read ages ago - I think by Deborah Cameron? Does that ring a bell with anyone.
I'm not sure if my DH is different or I just worded it differently but when my mum was really cold about something recently I told DH "I'm still really upset about X. She was so rude!" he said "oh I know, she was wasn't she". Which I'm guessing is the kind of response you wanted.

This

It's important to understand emotion but teaching someone to act in a way that they don't feel is a completely pointless exercise for them, and only gives the impression that they're behaving in an acceptable way.

I disagree, speaking from a family with lots of autism. Active listening is a skill. As is connecting to and expressing emotions. People with autism need to be heard and connected with too.

This is called masking and is why a lot of people spend their lives trying to work out what someone wants from them and acting in that way rather than being themselves.

If it was the other way round and the person wanted solutions and not emotion how would you know what is required of you?

He doesn't lack empathy. The offering of a solution to the immediate problem of you feeling bad is a display of empathy; he doesn't want you to feel bad. He knows that if he was in your position, he'd want somebody to offer a solution...so he's putting himself in your shoes and doing the same for you. What would you call that, other than "empathy"?

It's just not the non-statement platitude you're used to from neurotypical friends.

Look up the double empathy problem, and realise...to him, you lack empathy - because if you react to his problems with "Oh, that's so horrible...", he's going to feel the same way as you do about this - because to him, the correct response is to help with a solution, not commiserate.

You’re perfectly entitled to your perspective and to live like that, but it comes with limitations. Namely that you will lack real intimacy with the people around you as you’re not willing to emotionally connect. In a relationship your partner is likely to feel progressively more stressed and unhappy and then leave you to find someone who is willing to connect with them.

My DP is autistic and has a naturally dismissive personality in some ways but has been willing to listen to me, to grow and change to build a stronger relationship with me. He can connect better to his feelings too and sees that as important to his experience of life.

From reading your post, I have interpreted your DP response as you can choose how to react in a practical way.. as in, do you ghost her back, have a bitch to other people about her etc. That is stuff you choose... but you can't choose how you feel, as in upset.

Just say you can't help how you feel, and state what it is you think would help.. be that a hug and a chance to rant, or whatever you feel best.

My DP is autistic, and when I am struggling with something, he is very solution focused, and will often suggest things that have helped him in the past, because that has worked for him. However, he does know that feelings are not a choice (he gets big feelings about some very minor things at times).

How about you lot learn to stop harping on about feelings and just fix whatever the problem is.

Or at least mimic not being overly dramatic until you’ve calmed down enough not to unload it all over your nearest and dearests like a dump truck.

“just learn to respond differently” not sounding so great now huh.

This is great.

It doesn’t help though. So ideally you would learn to respond differently so you actually can help the person talking to you. You’re human therefore you are capable of this. It’s just different to your usual patterns of behaviour.