Partner with autism lacks empathy: what is a good response?

I've been giving it some thought. I think we've been growing equally in response to each others needs and the challenges that come up. I've learned to express how I'm feeling calmly and state my needs rather than get annoyed when he hasn't noticed, for example if I am really stressed about something, and he is being jokey it previously annoyed me that he didn't pick up on the vibe and it seemed really insensitive, whereas now I know that he genuinely is a bit crap at noticing that, I need to explain how I'm feeling so he can adjust and give me (for example) the peace I need to process whatever is going on in my head. Related to this, learning to have conversations when both feeling calm, to discuss feelings and needs when not in the heat of the moment. As I alluded to earlier he is quite avoidant so isn't great at noticing and expressing his own feelings, so I ask him and draw that out of him. I need to ask him specific questions, how he is thinking and feeling, for example what he is thinking and feeling in response to what I just said, otherwise I wouldn't know. We looked into the love languages thing and I know he gets a lot from words of affirmation, so I consciously look for opportunities to do that.

For us, day to day, we do have lots of shared needs/interests, so we both prefer going on walks in nature for example vs spending time in busy, crowded places, so we align in lots of ways. We both enjoy being affectionate and playful with each other. I would probably prefer that we spend our evenings watching tv/playing games together but he often wants to do his gaming especially after a busy day/week at work, so we balance that so we're both getting what we need at different times. There are lots of little sort of 'rules' that he has that I don't, that I follow for his peace of mind, like always eating together at the table, where certain things are kept, certain routines in daily life that I know he likes. We fell into the routine of him doing the cooking, and me the cleaning as he's a much better cook, but that was too much for him, so I do the cooking on two set days a week to give him a break. I'm sure there are more but that's what springs to mind. He's not great at expressing so I have to do a lot of figuring things out. Oh it also turned out he had a drinking problem he was hiding from me whilst we were still living apart, and now we are living together he is sober and I drive him to an AA meeting once a week, and support him with whatever he needs in that area.

Of course OP gets to judge how she wants her experience to be understood. But she also seems to expect her partner to be a mind reader.

The answer was a completely reasonable answer, just not the one she wanted and somehow that's her partner's fault for being autistic and 'not having empathy'. She didn't want a solution, she wanted a hug. Fine but then she needs to communicate that.

There is absolutely nothing in the OP's post to suggest that her partner doesn't have empathy (which is NOT an autistic thing and I am sick of this rhetoric). What her partner will struggle with is identifying the socially acceptable response when he is being empathetic (that IS an autistic thing). Maybe to someone NT it would have been completely obvious that the OP wanted a hug not a solution, but her partner isn't NT. I'm really really sick of autistic people being presented as narcissists because NT people don't actually know what empathy is.

OP you don't have to live with this. If it's a problem for you that your partner struggles with social communication and he isn't giving you what you need emotionally, then for all means leave him - you should be in a relationship that works for you. But from your post it reads as if there is a lot of good in this relationship, and so if you want to try then I suggest communicating more clearly what you need and stop with the assumption that he doesn't empathy just because he doesn't show that empathy the way an NT person would.

Also I agree with @DrRuthGalloway - I am very careful about engaging with the hurt feelings of people who routinely believe they have been ghosted (or abandoned or betrayed or any of those anxious attachment buzzwords) for fear of being sucked into the vacuum of their endless need.

I sometimes say this kind of thing if my DP is crapping on at me again about some work issue I just cannot stand to hear him moan about anymore. As a way of signalling that I’ve heard it all before and am done listening and will no longer collude in his victimhood if he isn’t going to do something to change the situation or reflect a bit on why he lets it get to him so much.

I think sometimes, even in the best of relationships, people make a choice not to indulge certain of their partner’s complaints. I’ll absolutely empathise with my DH if he’s lost a loved one or is worried about a health issue etc, but there’s only so much I can empathise if I think he’s being a bit unreasonable or has become really tiresomely fixated on a situation.

Can we just STOP with the tropes about autistic people being unempathetic, lacking emotional depth, blah blah blah? Just because it doesn't look like you expect it to look doesn't mean it isn't there. Also this:

Yes to all of this

And yet you haven't answered my question. What have you changed to accommodate your partner's emotional life?

I just disagree with you. Ironically you do seem to be getting a bit over emotional in your response to my disagreement. I think the strongest argument you could make would be that you have experienced/ are experiencing an intimate relationship despite not doing this work of emotional connection. Perhaps you’ve found a partner who thinks the same way you do and you’re happy together. This would give me pause. Alternatively that you don’t have this but you’re happy enough without such an intimate relationship as it doesn’t suit your personality.

I disagree that my partner is mimicking and masking when he responds to me with active listening and empathy. FWIW I’m also autistic and have also learned this skill. I know he isn’t mimicking and masking because I can see the emotional interchange. He feels the emotions I do, and vice versa when he’s feeling an emotion, telling me about it and I pick up on that.

No, actually i didnt.

What i did do, however, was attempt to assure the OP that her DP's irritating response was actually a cack-handed and socially inept attempt to be helpful, and explaining why.

Then you presented yourself with "just change the way you respond to things" which i rolled straight back to you with "just change the way YOU respond to things" in order to illustrate that concept isnt quite that easy in practice as it is to trot out on the internet.

The substance to "your argument" appears to be the fact that you've managed to ensure that your autistic partner mimics the behaviour least likely to end in earache in response to situations and warned that should I not mask in the same way then my relationships will suffer.
Well, jolly good. Maybe if i work hard enough on myself i'll be able to perform the same tricks.
Alternatively I could have a partner who understands that analysis and strategy are my strong points while emotions and coping with feelings are not, and each of us play to our skill sets.

Would it work to say 'Can I have a hug, I'm so upset about my mum/friend/work and a hug from you would make me feel better'. DH might be stymied what he can do about it unless you help him out.

But the OP hadn't lost a beloved pet or hurt herself. She "thought" an old friend had ghosted her.

I myself have little patience for people who jump to conclusions and believe other people's behaviour is always related to themselves. There are many many reasons why a person might not be in touch, only one of which is that they no longer wish to have any contact with you and do not wish to tell you so.

That isn't about "not understanding the social norms of emotion or depths of emotion". It's about at least checking you have an actual reason to be upset and not something you have just invented?

I agree. You have to be quite resilient and independent to be in a relationship with someone who is less able to understand the social norms of emotion or depth of emotion. My DH is on the spectrum and I love him totally. Part of that is understanding and accepting his differences from someone more NT.

OP may not be cut out for life with someone who doesn’t have the same emotional capacity as her or feel things in the same way as her.

Is acknowledging pain, our own, wallowing?” Sadness is quite natural, as is mourning a loss. It passes but who is to say that it has to be ended swiftly to be correct? People have emotions!

If I note that my mother’s death upsets me is it necessary or correct for a close friend or partner to “solve my problem “ by saying “everybody dies, just turn that frown upside down?”

OP gets to judge how she wants her experience to be understood. Sometimes she might want a hug. Sometimes she might want a solution. Sometimes the hug is the solution ! The point is that If her bf can only ever offer one solution/response thats a limitation of his which may be more serious over time.

There’s no need to be so cutting. You’re engaging in an ad hominem attack rather than the substance of my argument, which is up for debate as is anything on these boards.

Oh wow, really?
Thats super interesting.
Do you offer more relationship insights and advice? Have you got a website?
Any motivational speaking gigs we should know about? "How to train the autistic mind by InWithPeace?"

And furthermore it’s what they would say to their own children so it’s unreasonable for you to say it’s what autistic children are told by “well meaning neurotypical parents and teachers”. It’s a huge misstep to assume that autistic people can automatically relate to and meet the needs of other autistic people.

He's not wrong, you can choose how you react to it... but that wasn't what you were asking. Tell him "How I react and how I feel are two different things. My friend has hurt my feelings and I feel sad about it. I think I need something to take my mind off it, let's go out/ I think I need some time by myself to mope/ I think I need some more friends, any suggestions on how to meet new people..." or be more direct in whatever you want him to do/say

I know plenty of women who'd never do that instinctively either, including me. And plenty of men I know are very good at hugging and comforting.

In truth if your partner is only capable of offering solutions they are being quite self serving. They want you to feel better because it suits them for you to be happy. They want to provide solutions because it suits their ego to be the one who has the logical answers to all life’s problems.

This is not even remotely truth. Most people who are solution oriented when faced with emotional situations were raised in environments where their feelings were never validated or were dismissed as being overly dramatic and all they got were do calm down there is an obvious solution. So growing up, that was the role model they had of how to handle an emotional situation. This is most common in anyone with a condition that has emotion dysregulation as a trait and in males. The OP’s DH ticks both boxes.

Recently I thought a long term friend had ghosted me. I told him it had upset me and he said 'yeah but you can choose how you react to it'. Which upset me more!

I think you are being both reasonable and unreasonable.

The “you can choose how you react to it” with “it” being any upsetting situation is exactly what autistic children are told almost daily by well meaning neurotypical parents, school teachers and others.

If autistic child says that school assembly overwhelms them and they feel panic- sorry kid, you can choose how you react so sit down and be a good boy/girl.

If autistic child says that wearing a blazer makes them feel like they are wrapped up like a mummy and they can’t stand it- sorry you’re in secondary school you should be able to control this and not over react to wearing required uniform.

If autistic child out shopping with parents reaches their limit after three shops and gets so overwhelmed they run off or fling themselves to the floor and have a meltdown- what are they told? “Look I know it’s alot for you, but you can choose to not run away of throw a rolling on the ground tantrum over it…”

Autistic adults have grown up repeatedly being told you might feel x, but you can control how you react. Which is bollocks and upsetting to anyone, but by adulthood an autistic adult thinks this is the script this is what you are supposed to say to an upset person. Because it is what they have heard all their lives.

The advice is not wrong

I don’t agree that it’s an either/or for solution / empathy seeking. There’s a time and place for offering solutions. I do often discuss problems I’m facing to talk them out and seek / discuss potential solutions. You can easily reference this by saying things like “I’m not sure what to do about this, what do you think?”

Equally it’s quite obvious that sometimes solutions aren’t needed. If you are sad because your pet has died or because a friend has ditched you or because you’ve just lost your job, you do need people around you to offer a little sympathy, autistic or not. You can discuss potential solutions and next steps once the wave of emotion has hit and been processed a little.

There are some unhelpful tropes being shared here, along the lines that autistic people are somehow robots who can’t do emotions, it just isn’t true.

In truth if your partner is only capable of offering solutions they are being quite self serving. They want you to feel better because it suits them for you to be happy. They want to provide solutions because it suits their ego to be the one who has the logical answers to all life’s problems.

Personally I've never known a neurotypical bloke who would grab me with both arms, pull out a hanky and instantly "understand". This includes my dad, my brothers and 2 husbands!

He's right. The stories you tell yourself about a situation impact your reaction.

You "thought" a friend had ghosted you and so that led you to feeling upset. You could have decided that she is busy at the minute, or got a lot on at work, or decided to be proactive and call her to check all is well. Each of these situations would have led to a different set of emotional responses. In your case, because you told yourself the story that she was ghosting you, you got upset.

As I get older I do wonder if I am autistic myself. Why waste emotional energy being upset about something when you don't have sufficient evidence to conclude on what the other person's motivations are? Find out first, then get upset. No need for upset based on one possible interpretation from a myriad of possible interpretations of a situation.