To think whatever your social class, if you’ve got immature parents, the odds are stacked against you

They say that the new generational wealth is having healthy well-adjusted parents. The Philippa Perry book, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, is ostensibly a parenting guide but I actually think it’s great for anyone unpacking the shit from their own childhood. It really helped me let go of a lot of stuff and be more concious. I had a very middle-class to upper middle-class childhood (not that we had any cash flow but we had assets and private education etc) but my parents were and are utterly fucked up. The stuff that happened to me would surely have involved social services if we hadn’t had that middle-class facade to hide behind. I mean, bad things don’t happen in ‘nice’ families where the parents are educated, no?

I think it's not being subject to abuse that is the predictor of good outcomes

Your mum wasn't just immature she was abusive and neglectful and that damaged you.

I work in mental health and if I could do away with child abuse I'd be out of a job. It is not necessarily a respecter of social class either but resources and outside help like boarding school or Nannies can mitigate it

Hi OP, I can really identify with what you’ve said about your upbringing. My parents were very similar - volatile mum who was and is probably very mentally unwell, and enabler dad who told us that’s just how she is, we’re too sensitive, she doesn’t do feelings, etc.

I agree that it really set me back as a child and particularly as a teen. I was deeply insecure in myself and reproduced some of the patterns of behaviour I’d seen at home growing up. I’m 30 now and have done a tonne of counselling over the years and finally feel like I’m getting somewhere in terms of emotional intelligence. But it’s a really long, time consuming (and expensive) road that people who had emotionally available/stable parents might not have to go down, in order to turn out healthier and happier themselves.

Edit because I missed the class aspect! My parents were 100% working class and wanted ‘better’ for us in terms of education etc. But actually their behaviour and inability to regulate their own emotions or attune to ours as children meant that we were actually set far back behind more emotionally healthy peers.

Look up Adverse Childhood Experiences (aces). The more of these you experience the more likely you are to have poor outcomes as an adult. Middle class children are statistically less likely to experience several of these but they are in no way immune.

I’m so sorry, yes, I think having abusive parents definitely stacks all the odds against you regardless of class. I guess there might be a point where if you were trust fund rich you would be in a better position to pay for your own therapy/rehab but aside from that I think it’s inherently damaging. I’m so sorry you went through that.

Shit parents are shit parents. It's definitely a disadvantage.

It sounds like mental illness in the case of your mum not mental immaturity.

My mum still has tantrums she is in her 80s she had a late diagnosis of BPD, from trauma in her own childhood. My sister, nearly 60 had terrible tantrums. She has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. Mental illness is terrible whatever the social class or education level.

This

Emotionally immature people are damaging for everyone around them.

I didn't vote because, while I agree with your argument, you lost me in the last sentence when you said 'it's not social class'. Both advantage/disadvantage and the temperament of your parents is massively important. Poverty, unstable housing, parents having to work shifts or under considerable stress- they all take a massive toll. The world feels stacked against you. But what you went through sounds awful and destabilising too.

My grandparents were both one of eleven, both poor. But one family was warm and loving, the other with bullying, alcoholic parents. Neither an easy life but no comparison between the two.

Edit: and I agree with the pp that you are wrong in labelling it 'immaturity'- but I'm guessing you're glossing over the more appropriate terms as a way of managing it for yourself.

YABU. Your parents weren't "immature". Your mother had mental illness and was an abusive alcoholic. Your father was an inadequate parent and probably lacked social skills in general.

Growing up with violence, mental illness and substance abuse definitely stacks the odds against a child, regardless of class or finances. Immaturity has nothing to do with your situation .

She sounds like she struggled with mental illness rather than being immature!

But yes - I can see that would be very disruptive and destructive for you.

I think a lot of British families suffer from generations of emotionally unavailable parents and the resulting trauma of that. Until very recently that kind of mentality was a source of national pride.

There are examples on MN of this on a daily basis, yes it would be hard to say 100% exactly this but it seems widespread

Same! It's really impacted me because she could fly off the handle quickly. I am now the opposite and shy away from confrontation massively.

I’m sorry you experienced that.

I think being middle class encompasses values and behaviours as well as educational background and profession/income. So I wouldn’t necessarily say you had a middle class upbringing - middle class parents are generally very involved, if not over-involved in their children’s education and wellbeing.

Yes I think so. My mum can act like an actual child STILL and I've had to teach myself everything about acting like an adult. I've done it now but my god, life would have been easier if this was modelled for me as a kid/teen.