AIBU to want to sleep train my 14m son when DH doesn't want to discuss it?

threads like this are so depressing. Why do women (who work full time) assume that children are 95% their job, and then end up surprised that men act like dickheads?

How old are you OP? Just wondering what the dynamic is?

But that's the point though. He doesn't see the problem with the current situation because it doesn't affect him directly.

My 15 mo is the same at the moment so I completely understand where you come from. My husband and I take her into our bed at night when she wakes up, so we both sleep like shit and have a common understanding of the problem!

And tbh I'm the one reluctant to sleep train. We did it with our eldest and it worked a charm, but damn our little girl is sooooo stubborn! She will not let go! She could scream and call for hours!

It took us two or three unpleasant nights twice to get our kids sleeping, one at about 6 months and the other around 14. For that they’ve slept really well and we’ve been on our a game for them far more often. I strongly recommend it. Yes it’s not pleasant, but it doesn’t last long and a sleep deprived parent isn’t great either. Do it.

I'd definitely be cosleeping and making DH sleep elsewhere or put up with it.

I think sleep training and especially any method leaving them to cry like Ferber is cruel (he's literally OK with leaving babies to cry till they vomit with distress) but then I do all the night wakings. He needs to pull his weight.

Of course you should sleep train. However your very tired Dh will probably find enough energy to argue with you on the landing at 3am. Make sure you stand firm and don’t let him sabotage it. It’s not cruel if done correctly which means consistently and kindly and firmly. This wet dynamic of being overcome by emotion and giving in to the child is exactly what could make it needlessly horrible for everyone, including the baby, and could ruin it and make it pointless.

This.
Why are you carrying all the blame and fault? Do the feelings come from you or him?

FWIW, I also did 95% of the childcare at that stage but as a result my opinion also carried 95% of the weight in the decision making over things like sleep training, feeding, potty training etc. I would discuss this stuff with DH and he'd give an opinion, but ultimately he trusted me, as the person with most experience in our DC's care and the one who actually had to do the work, to make the decision in the best interests of all involved.
In your situation, DH would be getting 2 choices: step up more or butt out and let me get on with what I need to do. It does sound like he might step up though, as you said on the occasions you haven't been quick enough to go to crying DC, he has gone to him. Could you just not get up (at least) 50% of the time to force DH do his share? You may find he changes his mind once dealing with the grind of chronic sleep deprivation himself...

You need to try something different because this obviously isn't working for you.

Sleep training didn't work with my kids, but I did try it. The younger one especially literally cried all night. He's a very stubborn human. We ended up doing a lot of sleeping in with him before he grew out of it eventually.

This is just my way of saying do it, but you can stop if it's not working for you. I wish I had given up sooner.

I insisted on doing the Ferber method when I went back to work. DH was not keen at all , he thought it was cruel. My eldest woke up on average between 5-6 times in the evenings, so not only did I not have any good nighttime sleep but I also didn't have a chance to relax in the evening. She was 10mo and it took five nights. It was hard but absolutely transformative.

With our second we did it at 8 months, and again it's been amazing. I'll have to do it again soon with DS. I'm looking forward to having a sleep again.

I'd highly recommend the Ferber method. Your DH doesn't have an excuse for his age or financial status. You are a partnership and that requires equal input. If he won't look after DS at night then you need to make it work for you.

Oh we had this argument, I did it anyway. Dh was actually prepared to get up in the night but we were both half dead because she was a godawful sleeper. I did it for a nap, he was furious but got over it when it worked. It was quite hard though, she really cried, felt awful at the time.

We normally make all parenting decisions together after a discussion but I felt like I was dying. It’s the one and only time either of us has done something without agreement.

For us, we sleep trained early on and kept at it during the sleep regression periods, and it was the best parenting move we made. It suited our parenting styles but maybe not for everyone (each to their own!).

With sleep training, the benefit is that DD falls asleep on her own with no fuss. Without intervention, she can put herself back to sleep within a minute if she wakes up at night (we look at the monitor only to see her falling back asleep). She sleeps the entire night. We all wake up rested and grateful for sleep. It takes a lot of patience and time and definitely needs all parties on board.

Before I get flamed, sleep training isn’t for everyone. To each their own, but we did it. Both our kids had horrendous 10 month sleep regressions, truly torturous experiences. Lasted about a month for each. For our first we got a night nurse for 3 nights who sleep trained for us. Our DD cried for less than 5 mins 3 times over the 3 nights. She was going right through by night 2. It was a life changing experience to two full time exhausted working parents. We were just clueless and needed someone to do the training for us. Our son got there, largely with my husband doing it when I was away for work for a few nights. There’s gentle cry it out methods. I suggest you/your husband read bringing up Bebe. Good helpful book about how babies need to learn to connect sleep cycles. Talkingcarababies on Instagram is also helpful. If you’re not on the same page but can find a night nurse willing to gently sleep train, that might be a good moderate solution. Good luck!

I'd personally never sleep train, it just does not fit with who I am as a parent or what I want for my children. But if you are feeling very tired and he isn't helping, he needs to share the load especially if he says he doesn't want you to sleep train. I've heard that some people split the night in half and do shifts of who responds to the night wakes- so that you each get a decent stretch of uninterrupted sleep? For us we've found that our children sleep much better in our room until 3 or 4, we just all get more sleep that way.

When people say CC is cruel they don't get that having exhausted parents is far more damaging. I was a shit mother when on your situation. We accidentally did cc through sheer exhaustion. Took 20 mins first night, 10 the next 5 the next. Far less crying than an average night!

@Greywarden then he should have worn a condom or had a vasectomy!
Please address this dynamic now or you will have the next 18 years as the default caregiver with him making all the decisions 🙁

Exactly

Plus, my DH was 46 when our 2nd DD was born - that didnt stop him from doung his fair share of night wakings AND I was a SAHM. A true partner would support your need for sleep.

None of this makes a difference. He's very lucky to have a family and child, that was his choice. He hasnt given up anything, even if it was unplanned he obviously knew it culd be possible. That's life. He's only mid 50's, not exactly old! Also, why would earning more make him less able to be a good father? Come on op, you and the baby deserve better.

Well ye needs to get up and do half of the bedtimes doesn't he? Take the nights in turns.

Being older than you is noe excuse to be a rubbish father and husband. He chose to create a baby with you, he is equally responsible for his wellbeing. Furthermore, he should care that you are exhausted. Stop being so protective of dh's sleep, you've got one baby to look after, not two!

This👆His age is irrelevant.

Child in with you both, or oh sleeps elsewhere. Start putting yourself and your child first. I don't care that your oh is tired. You are tired.

Why on earth do you care so much about your DH's sleep and comfort when he doesn't care about yours?