AIBU to want to sleep train my 14m son when DH doesn't want to discuss it?

This! Sounds like he's shutting down all possible options which is really unfair to you.

If DH did not want a child HE was responsible for stopping pregnancy.
pregnancy is a natural outcome of sex. You don’t choose to HAVE a child, you choose NOT to have a child and if that was his choice he needed to take responsibility himself for his choice

he failed to get a vasectomy or wear condom I assume? He certainly failed to abstain from sex don’t he! Well he then also be chose to take a the chance you would become pregnant if your method ms failed, and by 50 he should now that no method is 100%

STOP with the “my fault , my responsibility “
Martyrdom! You BOTH played a part in you getting pregnant, you bc are BOTH responsible for raising that kid and the shit difficult times it takes

so, he doesn’t want son in bed, he doesn’t want controlled crying . Have you c asked him his plan then? What actually is he suggesting to help his son to bc sleep? His ds lack of sleep will be affecting DS too. You are too knackered to continue and the lack of intimacy and his seemingly unwillingness to be accept there’s a problem that needs to be solved , WILL end up in divorce

if he cannot come up with a suggestion that doesn’t involve either or both of you being sleep deprived, tell him tough shit. He has no solution so you will try the one thing you’ve not yet tried . Tell him to go stay somewhere for 3-4 nights if he can’t cope and is not prepared to involve himself in a solution

stop taking on the responsibility by yourself.

Normally, parenting decisions should be made together. When it comes to sleep however, the parent who doesn't do the get ups doesn't get to say no to sleep training, if they are against it they can take over all get ups and early morning wake ups. You don't get to get more sleep than your partner and tell them they can't support your shared child to learn to get better quality, more restful sleep, that's not really how it works!

Your DH clearly hasn't done much research, or has looked at biased sources.

You can either educate DH (get him to read the chapter on sleep training in Crib Sheet for starters) to put his mind at rest, or do it anyway.

I am lucky DH and I are both pretty clued up on evidence based parenting stuff and how to research properly, but if he was against it it would be a case of 'you've got one week to look into this via actual evidence-based sources, then I'm doing it' or 'okay doke, you're now responsible for our child overnight'.

Long term sleep deprivation isn't something to mess around with for adults or for children. For little ones it leads to a whole host of behavioural and cognitive/learning issues. For adults it can lead to mental health problems, crashing your car, losing your job, divorce... getting you all to sleep properly is an urgent priority. And don't buy into the myth that you can just wait and see and your kid might eventually learn to sleep! He might, but he might not. And for many parents you simply can't physically cope that long. The older he gets the harder it gets, so crack on. It's the most loving, kindest thing you can possibly do.

Also, wanted to add. We did a form of sleep training. I couldn’t leave DD to cry so I tried shush pat. I stroked her face, rubbed her back and never left her. She fell asleep after 20/30 mins or so. She was upset but she knew I was there the whole time so wouldn’t have felt ‘abandoned’. Took two nights and she was fine.

He wasn't too old or feeble for his cock to work, was he?

He therefore does all night, every night whilst you get some sleep.

Also I think the 'they learn that you don't care / won't come' is bollocks. With both my kids when they were sleep trained, if they cried we would still go in, and it was for things like they'd had a nightmare, leaked through their nappy or were ill. Not just that they'd got into a habit of thinking they needed us to be there for them to get to sleep, which was the case before.

Sleep training is hugely misrepresented as just leaving kids to cry. You have effectively sleep trained him- you trained him to fall asleep being cuddled. That doesn't work for you anymore.

Who cares what DH says- he's not doing the nights so why does he get an opinion. The face he did one as a statement is laughable. Get him to do a week and I'm sure he'll change his tune. Sleep downstairs so it's not your responsibility at all.

When he agrees to sleep train look at Lucy Wolfe- stay and support method. You don't leave them, just gently teach them to sleep on their own. There will be tears and because of his age it might take a few days but its not cruel. You'll be with him. There will be less tears in the day as everyone is much better rested.

It's not reasonable of him to leave you to do all the work and dismiss out of hand something that might lighten your load

It's also unreasonable of him not to listen properly or discuss properly

There are lots of types of sleep training, it's nit just leaving them to cry by themselves. For example the disappearing chair method

I sleep trained my daughter. She was like a different child afterwards and I realised that she had been really tired and grumpy as well as me, due to disturbed nights. Not giving her the chance to start sleeping well, wouldn't have beeb good for her either

So… DH won’t let you co-sleep, sleep train or help you in the night.

He can get to fuck

yabu. Children don’t learn to self soothe from sleep training, they learn that mum or dad won’t come so don’t bother. It isn’t a nice way to do it and it’s cruel. A child cries because they can’t regulate their emotions and need their parent to soothe them. What’s what parents are for.

She wants to sleep train, not co-sleep, which is perfectly valid. Lots of people don’t like co-sleeping - whenever we took DS into bed with us, none of us had a good night.

cant wee one just come in with you.?

The PP who said "why do I have to cry with exhaustion every day but our baby crying a bit for 3 nights is unbearable" has a point. Try saying that.

But you could also add that a 14 month old crying is completely different from an adult crying. Adults cry in real pain or fear or despair. Babies cry because they are slightly disappointed. It's the equivalent of saying, "what, no pudding today?" which is hardly the end of the world. And it's only out of habit - the expectation of something which isn't needed can cause disappointment but it doesn't mean it's a disaster.

Also - it's completely natural to push babies and small children on to the next phase of independence if it's time. I don't know whether the OP's husband thinks that it's a good thing to be natural, and natural = mother sacrificing herself entirely to offspring. This is a totally made up sentimental notion. If he holds it, he should go out at a certain time of the year when the lambs are growing up and getting big, and watch them try to suckle and get firmly butted away by the ewes. Kids might find it comfortable to hang onto their previous stage of nurturing - which once they needed, no one is saying sleep train newborns - but it isn't necessarily right for them, still less their mothers, to let them. Ask him if he would feel relaxed and rested if he woke up out of habit 4 times a night. Isn't he better off that he can sleep through and self settle without even realising?

This. The person that doesn’t want to sleep train should be doing the majority of the night wakings. You can’t make that decision and expect someone else to deal with the consequences. Especially if you you have very few consequences.

Sleep training doesn’t need to be cruel. And it won’t do her any harm and may well benefit her. You may just have to do it despite him.

I sleep trained one of mine. 2.5 hours crying the first night (all done by 10.30 pm), an hour the second, 10 minutes the third. Even the first night of sleep training was a lot better than any previous night in terms of the amount of sleep I got.

My child woke up screaming every half hour all night long prior to sleep training so even the total amount of crying the first night was probably less than a normal night.

It wasn't pleasant the first night and I did wonder if it was the right thing to do but I was desperate. Since then sleep has had its ups and downs but has never been a total nightmare again. Child is a happy well adjusted 3 year old

I sleep trained both of ours, I told my husband I was doing it, I didn't ask. To be fair my DH was working shifts at one point, so wouldn't have been available some nights.
Look, you are knackered, it's impossible to function when sleep deprived. It is, after all a form of torture to prevent sleeping.
Both of mine took 1 night to train. I did the type where you settle the baby, leave the room. If they cry you leave them for a set period. If they carry on crying go back, don't fuss or talk but just gently pat them, then leave.
If your DH won't take the night shifts then I would not be asking his opinion to be honest.

DC won't remember 3 nights of crying, but will benefit from having a healthy sleeping patter (as will the both of you). Our (now 11yo) did it at 6 weeks after a tearless night with his grandparents... accept that is not normal, but when we got home.. realised possible and a rested you is more important than anything else re DC's health....

sleep train! sad nights, amazing 17 years... no brainer!!! (ignore DH)

I think you're being a bit of a doormat tbh. He may be bringing in more money (or whatever other excuse you're using to justify your subservience) but you're a good 20 years younger, more dynamic, energetic etc and will prob be in a carer role in 30 years or so. He's not holding all the cards. So woman up and either sleep train or co-sleep or DH covers nighttime.

I came to him with existing reading suggestions but also proposed he research it himself so that he doesn't worry that I'm giving him biased material, which was his initial concern

And I bet he didn't look at anything positive - confirmation bias?

This is from the Sleep Foundation:

Numerous studies have shown sleep training, including the Ferber Method, yields positive sleep outcomes (National Library of Medicine, Biotech Information) for healthy, typically developing children. Evidence shows that using these behavior-focused strategies reliably increases children’s willingness to go to bed and decreases the number of times they wake in the night—and these changes tend to stick.

If he doesn’t want to sleep train, he does the night wakings. No arguing, no debate, no negotiation. He does them or you sleep train.

That’s such a tough one. I don’t think he can veto if he’s not the one on his knees through tiredness. Maybe he doesn’t realise it’s not necessarily just let them scream for hours?

You could try Elizabeth Pantley (I think that’s her name) No Cry Sleep Solution book. It was pretty good iirc although I didnt manage to implement it very well as I was so exhausted and DS was so entrenched in his patterns by that point. I was also by myself so could cosleep easily and just ended up in the path of least resistance. Or try a sleep consultant?

Would your DH be open to sleep training at the gentler end, if he didn’t have to actually hear any crying? Or is he generally opposed? If you could agree a method, he could leave for 2-3 nights and let you get on with it (maybe coming home during the day to let you catch up on sleep if needed?).

It's not unreasonable for him to not want to sleep train, as you have already said, it's not for everyone. However, he needs to understand things aren't working as they are (especially not for you) and you need to work together to find a solution. Can you buy a superking bed and have him in with you for a while?

I think sleep training is one of those things that people do have strong opinions about but for me personally the only person who gets a vote on that is the person who is dealing with the night time wake ups. If he’s not doing those, at least half, then he doesn’t get a vote on it. If he doesn’t want to sleep train your child then that’s absolutely a valid stance for him to have, but in that case he needs to be doing at least half of the night shifts. If he’s not going to help tackle the problem then he doesn’t get a say in how you decide to tackle it.