Son & DILs Parenting - concerned?

Children (and adults) need carbs. We are meant to get 50% of our energy from them.

Unless what the OP actually means is no processed carbs, then I would be very worried. Are they having fruit, veg and whole grains?

This isn't bad parenting it's a cultural difference. We know a lot of Chinese families for example and they seem to have very very strict schedules and to achieve that the children are disciplined very clearly. A 6 year old in my house would just refuse to do an hour of violin practice for example but not in their Chinese peers' households where they lay out very clear expectations about respect and discipline. The food sounds fine. The gendered toy stuff would annoy me but just buy them barbie cars or pink hot wheels and wait for the girls to become goths at high school.

Human beings survived for hundreds of thousands of years without bread or potatoes.

@Elisoe i think you’re right to have concerns, but if you voice them, it’ll lead to you being cut off.

Stay close to the children and make your home a happy welcoming place, then when they’re older they may turn to you.

Their diet is appalling!

It seems okay, slim is fine, as long as they aren’t actually thin, on younger children this is often visible around the eyes for example or the rear pelvis or the lower sternum being overly visible. Seeing ribs front and back is normal on a lot of children, so don’t let that panic you. Our son was under weight when he came to us, interesntingly this wasn’t done on weight, but visible checks, the main one being visible eye socket ridges and a ‘hole’ under his lower sternum.

It seems regimented but so many small children’s lives are these days as both parents have to work full time.
i wouldn’t risk saying anything. Perhaps offer to childmind/ see the DCs more often for some relaxed time on a regular basis.

For the pedantic, of course I'm fairly sure most will know carbs convert to sugar. I'm referring to refined sugars that are biggest impact to the NHS, not carbs.
Healthy people, gym going people, do eat carbs.

I’d be worried about the food issue too. Carbs are not the enemy and children in particular need carbs. They should be having cereal/toast, sandwiches (proper bread), potatoes, rice, pasta, etc. It sounds like your DIL has major food issues and insecurities too.

You’ll have to tread very carefully indeed but could you speak to your son alone and tentatively have a chat about diet. Avoid mentioning the children but maybe say something like how you’ve changed to a Mediterranean diet after all the evidence about the health benefits, etc (have a read up on it first). Hopefully he’ll take some of that on board and make gradual changes to his own diet and also the children’s.

It's different to hiw you raised your children but not necessarily bad.

I would focus on maintaining a good relationship with you dil and ds so you can spend time with kids and give your influence. Do you babysit ? Could you offer to?

So four days a week they have less carbs? I don't see the issue.

From one grandmother to another….

keep quiet!

its a cultural difference and as long as the kids are happy and healthy that’s all that matters.

If you want to do or say anything don’t criticise, be curious. Ask your dil about growing up in Russia. Ask about the way she was parented. Build trust. She may get curious with you and you can tell her how different it is here. She may not have noticed yet as the girls are still very little. The important thing is not to criticise and just make it about how things are different.

As for the carbs, I agree it’s very restrictive. But the girls are growing so I wouldn’t say anything for now. Are they allowed Easter eggs and chocolate on special occasions etc?

However valid your concerns op, what do you think the outcome of you saying anything would be? I imagine that nothing at all would change, except for damaging your relationship with your son and DIL.

I think it depends, the problem with highly restrictive diets enforced on you is food issues later. It’s one thing to have a normal way to eat at home but be quite relaxed about what they eat elsewhere but if it’s constant monitoring thats dysfunctional imo. However I don’t think the diet sounds that bad, it does sound quite healthy. DD’s been known to eat a plate of chicken without touching a carb quite happily. Dh and I try to control our carbs a bit but DD is given free reign, we choose what she eats, she chooses how much (exception being cake, chocolate etc). If they are restricting amount I think thats quite damaging.

Girls should be able to get muddy and shouldn’t be told off for being a bit loud or having toys out. Mine was obsessed with diggers so my Dh got her a few. I would not feel comfortable with that at all, but eventually they will develop their own interest regardless of what their mum thinks.

On the extra curriculars at 3 mine had a similar number of activities plus half days at pre-school, 3yr olds are full of energy and it was fine.

Honestly I wouldn’t say anything, she doesn’t sound like a relaxed woman and she’ll have her own battles with her daughters as they get older. I would just be there for a cuddle and support. She’s not abusive unless they are hungry and she’s not allowing them to eat. She may have very exacting standards and expectations and thats not uncommon if you come from that environment. She may actually think she’s a more relaxed parent than her own.

Carbs are sugar.

Their diet sounds good and your dil and son sound like they are doing a strict but well considered job of parenting. Look at all the chubby kids waddling around nowadays and anything that doesn't match that can look extreme in the opposite direction. Unless they are actually unhealthily skinny are they not just lean? I'd keep schtum and if you have any issue then discreetly mention it to your son but definitely not to dil. Also, the underlying tone you have about your dil is quite negative and comes across as resentful, maybe work on that and look at the positives of what dil is doing for her family than pulling it to pieces.

I think it sounds very different from the British emphasis on "whatever makes you happy" but not remotely abusive. The girls will probably grow up to be disciplined, high achieving women. Pretty normal in much of the world.

Fruit is generally carbs though because of sugar content. The only issue that worries me is the gender stereotyping but I expect that the girls will sort that out for themselves when they get to school. You have already seen them play differently when not at home. I would guess they will rebel against this when older.

Their diet sounds perfect. Children should be skinny. There are too many fat kids stuffing themselves with sugar.
The gender specific games, toys would either me but in school that will change.
Say nothing. Don't criticise.

And the food you've described sound natural and healthy.

She's Russian. Its a harsh place to live. I think a lot of what you are seeing is about cultural differences. I would find what you describe difficult to watch but the best you can do is work on keeping a warm and supportive relationship with them all.

Honestly British parenting seems very lax in comparison to many cultures.

Different cultures have much higher expectations of their kids both in terms of behavior and educational outcomes.

I'd advise saying nothing and I think you'll be pretty impressed by the outcomes.