Son & DILs Parenting - concerned?

Here is information about what children need to eat
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/weaning-and-feeding/what-to-feed-young-children/

Yes, YABU, OP. The diet you've listed sounds perfectly healthy. Saturday language lessons are normal and, at that age, the lessons are probably focussed around play and being with others from the same culture.

5 fun classes a week (which would be about 40min, max 60 for a 3 year old) also don't sound particularly taxing. It sounds like a good opportunity for socialisation and learning how to follow instructions and play well with others, which will stand her in good stead when she starts school.

Your DIL sounds like she's raising polite, well-mannered, ambitious children.

I thought you were massively unreasonable even before I read suggestions you're likely to be the same poster who was slagging off her Ukrainian DIL in an earlier thread...if this is you - step back. Develop other interests and go on with your own life. Your desperation to paint your DIL as a wicked witch who is destroying your precious grandchildren will only widen the rift you've created between yourself and your son.

I agree with this. Children need carbs. They are growing, not trying to lose weight.

The Mother gave away the cars bought for the girls because they are boys toys.
Their diet sounds good, as long as the veg is carb heavy, she might be adding pulses/legumes etc. Over controlling, authoritive parenting isn't good, it stifles the child developing their own personality and setting their own norms. It can affect future relationships etc. There's so many posters married to high achieving men, who are trapped in FOG, emotionally unavailable and lacking in kindness. But it could just be the OP's perception and her son is counter balancing things.
@Elisoe say nothing, learn about her culture. The time will come when you can have more contact and school will be a big influence. If they need somewhere to run to as tweens/teens be available.

Glad it's not just me who thought thjs? Do the kids not ever eat fruit?

I wouldn't worry about the classes but the toy thing is total bullshit. My DD is super girly and loves dolls but also Hot Wheels. Maybe buy them some cars to keep at your house?

I think a lot of this may be cultural. The food choices/timings may be down to their mums own preferences. Yes carbs are needed but if they aren’t hungry and healthy it’s ok. I know someone who didn’t ever allow her child pudding as she wanted her to keep her slim figure. Clubs a lot of children do a lot/to much I think. I believe adults would be exhausted if they did the same. I’m a believer that down time and rest is important too. Balance is key. However as the grandparent I think it’s best to say nothing as it will probably go the wrong way. If you tried with your son a conversation about the amount of clubs he did as a child, how do you think it would pan out?

It sounds fine to me, my 3yo doesn't eat many carbs either! I serve her pasta, potatoes, bread, but she doesn't really like them. I woudn't worry.

The only thing that's a bit sad is that the girls aren't allowed to do "boys things" or relax about getting mucky outdoors :(

I would not say anything. It sounds like a healthy diet to me. Perhaps offer to watch the kids more often and when watching them offer carb heavy meals :)

Success in the marriage market? Whatever next! They are small children?!

maybe she wants them to be healthy, have hobbies, bilingual, be active, well educated and not rude spoilt brats who eat junk food all day.

Honestly, I’m a bit jealous of her - that reads as a lovely healthy diet and I wish I had the energy for it and to not cave to the endless snack demands.

The clubs and Russian lessons all sound brilliant too.

I’d raise an eyebrow at them not being allowed to play with anything girly, but not enough to actually say anything.

Hi @Elisoe.

I have a neighbour who raised her child like this. She is not Russian but from a neighbouring country.

After about the age of 8, her son largely lived at our house. It sort of turned into a dynamic where he came to us to feel relaxed. I think actually my DH had a similar upbringing where he often went to a friend's house to be relaxed.

It's possible that your GCs will get a lot of good stuff from outside of the immediate family.

The best thing might be to make sure that your door is always open and be very good to your DIL so she trusts you to be a second home for them.

it just sounds like a Slavic upbringing. Culture shock to you, but normal for DIL

I think perhaps because British people might have more sympathy at the moment for Ukrainians than Russians in general. Also, I suspect, so she could avoid being recognised from the other thread and be vindicated for some of her ‘concerns’ rather than told in no uncertain terms that she is entirely unreasonable. People on this thread might not have heard the backstory behind some of these points (like the birthday present cars that she spent hundreds of pounds on so they must have been the ones the children can actually get into - I suspect the parents didn’t want them - 2 months late btw - because they live in a tiny flat)!

Regarding nationality, she may be a Ukrainian citizen of Russian origin, so potentially, the OP's statement is not entirely untrue.

It is also pertinent for young children such as 3 and 5. We have just be conditioned to think that it means skinny, as a society we are obsessed with big children. The healthy range for bmi starts at the 3rd centile. So you’re correct, it’s called normal slenderness.

The school won't just secretly start checking lunch boxes on an anonymous tip from a stranger.

They would tell the parents that they had a report, and they would have to follow the safeguarding procedures for that report.

It wouldn't take a genius to figure out who did it.

Besides which, there's bugger all to report, they aren't being given cans of monster and a crack pipe, it's fruit.

Fair enough. I'm not sure why her daughter in law being Russian would evoke more sympathy though

Other than the gendered stuff, don’t see a problem.

You remind me of my mum actually except for the gendered stuff where she wouldn’t buy cars for our daughter unless she was specifically asked by her and assumes I’m too lenient because my children aren’t completely obedient to us. She thinks our children are too skinny because she sees their bones and muscles under their skin and thinks I’m harsh on their snack intake. She says because they are skinny I should allow them to have more treats to fatten them up a little bit and it won’t harm them because DH and I are both slim so genetically they should be fine while in the same breath will say my slimness is down to luck since she, dad, and my sister are overweight.

They just parent different than you and you have to leave them to it. The children sound healthy and happy, despite your “concerns” which sound more like you just want them to be parented the way you think they should be because it’s not of your culture.

How do you know exactly what they are eating and doing when you aren't seeing them day in, day out?
The strict thing and gender specific toys sounds cultural. My dc had Eastern European and Asian friends who's parents demanded high achievement in school and high standards of behaviour.
The extra curricular activities sound reasonably normal, especially in Middle Class families. My Dc in primary school were doing swimming lessons (which is a life skill), Beavers or Brownies (life skills)and music. Language classes were very normal also in children who had a foreign parent. Add to this a kid who is showing potential in football, dance, martial arts and you've got a pretty full schedule.
It's fine to be concerned, but be careful that you aren't overstepping. A difference in opinion in the way she is raising your gc doesn't mean abuse.

The cynical me would say she is raising them for success in Russian marriage market.
According to my Russian friends, the population of young men in Russia is decimated by alcohol and chemical drugs (even before the current war), because many of them feel total lost of hope. Young women are in better shape, because they do have hope - hope of marrying someone and getting out. But only the best ones will succeed, and it means looking great, being educated, well behaved and ladylike.

Less cynically said, she is raising them in a way which would be seen as posh. She can afford to feed her children protein and veg instead of stuffing them with bread.

Rightly or wrongly, she might feel that as half Russians they have to operate on higher standards than usual. Or, she might be just mimicking and replicating "good upbringing" without thinking about the situation.

I'd say start with recognising the work she puts into it, be supportive and be a gateway to British culture.
She might not believe you at first, because it is hard to realise how different the everyday culture can be.
Enid Blyton and Arthur Ransome will be your friends.

Sounds like how we were raised and now 4 confident adults, never out of work, never in trouble, successful marriages etc. As kids, respectful of others, no tantrums, ate what we were given, tidied toys away before lunch, dinner, bedtime. Had great fun with each other and our imagination. Perfect upbringing!

Phone the school to report what?? That her grandchildren eat filled tortilla wraps alongside fruit and veg for lunch and granny dearest has an issue with that?

I imagine the son and DIL will go from low to no contact in that case.

In my opinion it is relevant. The article is the first UK reliable source on google.

Rib cage is an easy reference for parents to gauge. It is used in a lot of HSE references in Ireland.

Now are you going to apologise for your continued rudeness and inappropriate comment?or shall I just report your posts for personal comments not inline with the talk guidelines?

You may benefit from some of the values the OP Dil is instilling in her children.

I don't think saying anything will get you anywhere but less contact with the children. I would concentrate on spending as much time with the children as possible and making your home a fun grandparents home with fun, toys, crafts, messy play and carbs!!

The amount of activities isn’t nuts at all though,

The vast majority of mums who stay home at least most of the with their children will tell you they usually plan a daily activity to structure the day and get out of the house. Ballet or swimming lessons is no worse than a stay and play or a rhyme time class.

It’s totally normal.

OP is the one whose language on the food seems to be more damaging. She acts like they are forbidden to eat when they have sweets on Friday, a takeaway or meal out on Saturday and a family roast on Sunday.