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Original poster

Son & DILs Parenting - concerned?

234 replies

Elisoe · 03/10/2024 04:44

I'm going to start with, I haven't mentioned this to anyone and I won't unless others think I should. I know it's not abusive but it does worry me.
My youngest son has 2 children, girls who are 5 and 3. Their mum isn't British (she is Russian), there is a big age gap but they seem happy. I have grandchildren from my older son too and learnt quite quickly to just say nothing unless it's actually harmful but I have concerns and I'm not sure if they justify being mentioned
The first concern is diet, DIL is very skinny, she doesn't even workout a lot but she is strict with her diet and is very minimal on carbs. Obviously this goes to the children too and they are both skinny children but taller than average. Most days from what I can tell the children also have no carbs. The eldest is now in school but gets a pack lunch and if there are any carbs it's the keto friendly low carb version. DIL is quite addictive about things being low carb but she does give a lot of protein so maybe it's a non issue. I've never known children to be on restricted diets unless necessary though so I do worry about this. They are also very strict on snacks with designated snack times and if it's not snack time and you're hungry well tough!
The second concern is the expectations, the 3 year old currently does swimming lessons 2x a week, ballet 2x a week (though this is mostly just running around with ribbons admittedly!) and a tennis session. Plus a Russian language Saturday morning pre-school and 3 actual mornings at nursery. Whenever I see her she is exhausted! The eldest does similar but seems better able to handle it.
Next is the strictness, the children are hardly allowed to step out of line without being sternly told off, this can be for laughing too loud or having more than one toy out at a time! They are some of the best behaved children I've ever met but I don't know if I support just how strict they are?
Lastly is the girls absolutely aren't allowed to do anything their mum seems to be for boys, football, getting muddy (they wear dresses most days!), play with trucks etc. I bought them some toy cars after going to a playgroup with them and them enjoying the cars but found out a few weeks later from my son that they have them to a friend with boys as they aren't girls toys!

AIBU to think this is all quite extreme? I know
It's both my son and DIL making these choices but at times it feels like a lot. Is any of this worth actually being concerned about or just a different parenting style?

OP posts:
Original poster
Elisoe · 03/10/2024 05:39

Thank you, I also find the food to be the most concerning. I don't think the children are underweight (both parents are tall and skinny so genetically they are likely to be the same) but they are thin.
It's hard to explain the diet as it's not no carb or keto it's just heavily fruit/veg/protein with little carbs. They have a roast every Sunday (my son insists on this) and obviously that is quite carb heavy but a normal day of meals is more like, scrambled eggs/fruit for breakfast, fruit/veg snack, lunch with the low carb tortilla wraps or similar, fruit/veg snack then meals like stuffed bell peppers or fish with steam veg. The fruit and veg do bring some carbs but they really don't have pasta/bread/potatoes often at all!

I've mentioned before about having not heard of kids needing that before and my son just dismisses saying they are healthy.

OP posts:
CuriousGeorge80 · 03/10/2024 05:30

Sorry, to be clear I wouldn’t like the carb thing at all, but I don’t think there is anything you can do about it. As long as the diet is otherwise balanced and there are some carbs, nobody is going to do anything about it, and raising it will just cause trouble. However, if the language around food is also unhealthy I think that is an even bigger issue.

Fuzziduck · 03/10/2024 05:29

Carbs are not wreaking the health service, it's sugar!

I would be concerned as well. Though not sure I'd say anything. Keep being a safe space for the children. As they grow, and become more independent they will 100% resent their upbringing.

Boobygravy · 03/10/2024 05:23

Sounds like a Victorian upbringing to me.

The lack of carbs would bother me.
Children need carbs and not having enough will explain why the dc are thin and tired.

YoucancallmeBettyDraper · 03/10/2024 05:22

Are you all mental? A three and five year old on a low-carb diet? It’s not right. They need carbs. Especially if doing that much exercise!

Is there an opportunity where you could gently speak to your son alone? What do other people in the family think? If they are underweight it must have been noticed by others as well.

CuriousGeorge80 · 03/10/2024 05:15

I wouldn’t worry about the classes, plenty of 3 year olds are in full time nursery. Learning Russian is great and as long as she’s enjoying the rest it’s fine.

Food I think they key is whether the discussion about food is healthy or setting them up for relationship with food issues. I don’t think low carb is bad in and of itself (I’m impressed she has the energy to do a low carb diet for kids, I would run out of ideas!)

Hard to tell on the discipline - again people have different boundaries and views. They get to set their own lines as long as it’s not abusive.

Toy car stuff is bullshit and ridiculous but also - sadly - not at all uncommon.

Thebellofstclements · 03/10/2024 05:06

Their diet sounds great - other kids/adults constantly chomping on carbs is wrecking our nation's health (and health service).
The strict upbringing is also ok, as you say they are well behaved, it pays dividends.
I'd have issues with the girls not being allowed to play whatever games they want - unfortunately they may later rebel against this and ruin all the previous good parenting.

endofthelinefinally · 03/10/2024 04:57

I would be concerned too, but I would be wary of being cut off from the children if I fell out with DIL.
Concentrate on maintaining a relationship with the children.
Can you direct your son to some information on nutrition and parenting?
I guess the worry is that the food aspect could become a safeguarding issue, in which case I would hope the school would notice.

Billybagpuss · 03/10/2024 04:51

Honestly if they’re that rigid you really need to say nothing if you want to maintain a relationship with your son and gc.

there is a long running thread on here where the mum is dropped as nc for the slightest misdemeanour and the family are now living in rural Ireland. It seems your family have very strong views and I don’t think questioning them will have any impact on the way they do things but will have a massive impact on their relationship with you.

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