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Original poster

To think it is ok to go away with an ex (if you have kids)

93 replies

Goingtobeslatted · 02/10/2024 18:03

I was concerned by a recent post where people were slating someone’s partner because he still goes away with his ex and their children. Everyone was saying LTB he must be cheating etc.

But in real life surely it’s ok, especially if you have young children?

My husband and I have split but want to stay amicable and in the children’s lives as much as possible. I can assure you I in no way want to get back with him and he feels the same (he instigated it).

But, our children are young and very different in ages and interests so 2 adults is easier for things like theme parks and some holidays (no family to help as parents are passed and only child). Also we don’t want to miss events like first ski trips just because we aren’t ‘in love’ any more. We even plan to do Xmas day together!

If you let your partner holidays with friends why on earth not exes?! Im not saying all holiday with an ex just some and as the children get older it will probably tail off.

Surely any jealous on the part of a new partner is their issue

name chase in anticipation of being ridiculed 😀

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2024 18:34

If you get a new partner who has kids will you be happy for them to go on holiday with their ex?

You don’t sound like you’re completely accepting his decision to split up.

Runmybathforme · 02/10/2024 18:33

In what world would a your partner be happy with you going on holiday with your ex ? Your both going to find it difficult to find someone who would put up with that.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 02/10/2024 18:29

If one of you gains a new partner then it will be hard for the kids to accept the new partner because they will be seen as the reason that you aren’t together and kids prefer their parents together over being with other people.

Tbskejue · 02/10/2024 18:27

Sorry but you’re being unrealistic; it’s perfectly fine for a new partner to want boundaries and not be ok with that. You and your stbex will struggle to find people that are ok with it

StripeyDeckchair · 02/10/2024 18:25

I think its confusing for the children.
When one of you meets a new partner it will cause problems.

I wouldn't.

Original poster
Goingtobeslatted · 02/10/2024 18:25

@SometimesCalmPerson that’s what I’m hoping for.

Various friends had parents who split and could hardly be in a room and it was awkward and created an atmosphere at every significant event in their lives. To me that’s worse and seems very common.

To answer other questions

My coping strategies will be built on the 350 plus days i don’t spent with him.

Children aren’t confused as they know we don’t live together and have no plans to and we make that clear

We always have separate rooms, currently i have 1 child him the other or we get a 3 bed place and the children share. It’s cheaper than 2 holidays. I like him as a person just not sexually. It’s why we split we were more like friends by the end. We don’t spend any time together alone as we are mainly with children so it is enjoyable.

Its just feels like the only reason not to do it is fear of a new partner being jealous. There are enough posts on here about leaving a marriage due to feeling nothing sexually for a partner to know it’s common.

OP posts:
WWLD · 02/10/2024 18:23

I don't understand why some people think this is giving the children mixed messages. Presumably the parents aren't sharing a room, or acting like a couple on these trips?

Also, if you're co-parenting amicably (which, if you have this arrangement, presumably you are), why couldn't new partner and family go too? That's what my aunt and her ex did. They even still spend Christmas together - the whole blended family. Two (now almost grown) shared kids, both parents, their new partners, and half siblings.

I get that it won't work for all split parents, but why bash it when it DOES work?

Dogsandnumbers · 02/10/2024 18:19

I'm practically best friends with my ex but I'd never go on a day out or holiday with him. It would confuse DC amongst other things.

OldTinHat · 02/10/2024 18:17

No. Too confusing and missed messages sent to the children.

You're together or you're not.

Toomanysquishmallows · 02/10/2024 18:16

Absolutely not , in my case , my ex is a truly awful person !

Dampfnudeln · 02/10/2024 18:15

My parents took us one joint holiday after their split. I thought it meant they were back together again. This was 40 years ago and I still remember how sad I felt when we didn’t go back to living together afterwards. So if you do this, I think it needs to be made clear to DC that it doesn’t mean you’re a family again.

Cas112 · 02/10/2024 18:15

Underlig · 02/10/2024 18:07

Days out, yes. Holidays, no.

This

idrinkandknowthings · 02/10/2024 18:14

No. I wouldn't be putting up with it. If you both want to live separately and have shindigs together away on holiday, or Christmas days together then both of you should remain single. It's confusing to the children and unfair to any new partners. School events and events surrounding children's hobbies, fine, but like fuck would I be putting up with my partner swanning off with his ex-wife because 'they didn't want to miss the first ski trip'. Just stay single.

SometimesCalmPerson · 02/10/2024 18:12

Me and my ex did it a few times and it worked well. We separated when they were very small so it was normal for my children. As an adult one of them now tells me how much he appreciated both his parents making the effort to have a good relationship with each other.

19lottie82 · 02/10/2024 18:10

It’s confusing for the children, and inappropriate if either has a new partner.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 02/10/2024 18:09

Inappropriate and confusing for the children.

Underlig · 02/10/2024 18:07

Days out, yes. Holidays, no.

Sidge · 02/10/2024 18:06

It wouldn't be for me - amicable or not my ex isn't someone I'd like to holiday with...

Potentially confusing for the children as well - days out is one thing but holidays together? What would the sleeping arrangements look like? And how will you ever build your own routines/rituals/coping strategies when nothing has actually changed?