To think it is ok to go away with an ex (if you have kids)

We do this and it's fine. I don't think it's confusing for DS but then we haven't been together since he was very small. Just friends and coparents, zero sexual chemistry (to the point that I wonder how we had a child together). We're both single though. Do what works for you.

Ok so let's think of the future scenarios. You and your ex-husband both have new partners, one of you goes on to have another child with your new partner, does that mean that the new partner and whoever they are with and their child together can never have a holiday with your and your ex partners child because that means one of you may miss out on a first? Or on a day out? I think you have to think long term will this benefit everyone, or will it cause problems when a new partner doesn't want a third wheel of an ex on all Thier family holidays

We do, when they were younger all our holidays were together as I wasn't physically able to manage alone. Now they're older and 'holidays' are always trips to various national and international sports competitions they are in. If we are both going then we go together, we couldn't afford two separate sets of travel & accommodation so we just book a house big enough for all of us.

All of this 👏

So you plan on spending g the rest of your lives important moments together just because you have kids, bit weird

Exactly. What's with all these confused children and exes? Sounds like more open communication is required.

Personally, I see it as a good sign if someone is co-parenting amicably with an ex.

I don’t think it’s appropriate if dating someone else to be honest unless they are fully onboard with it. I found out an ex of mine who did this slept in the same bed! That’s not on for me. He became an ex immediately when I found that out.

I disagree. Going on holiday is very different to living together full time.

There was a post on here very recently from an adult woman whose parents divorced donkey’s years ago but always done family things together like holidays, Christmas etc. Her father has finally met a woman and fallen in love, and the Op was devastated. I remember a similar situation where my Mum invited my Dad for Christmas Day because he would have been on his own. I was overjoyed because I thought they were getting back together and when I realised they weren’t it was really retraumatising for me.

Another thread was a single mum who had days out with her ex “for the sake of the baby” who was only a few months old. Her ex was trying to get back with her, though she didn’t want it, and she couldn’t shake him off. It was obviously sending out mixed messages to the ex, even though the OP felt she was doing the right thing.

It’s great that you can be friends with your ex and it is much better for the children, but I do think they need to learn that you aren’t together any more. You obviously had reasons for your split, but to keeping dipping a toe back into ‘family life’ together will be confusing for the children and potentially for you and your ExH.

No it does seem a bit odd to me. Why would you. You might as well stay together.

I’m surprised how many people are concerned about new partners here, especially ones that don’t even exist.

Maybe this is a couple that want to put their children’s existing family relationships ahead of their own romantic ones. It makes a nice change from so many parents believing they ‘deserve to move on and be happy’ at the expense of their children’s happiness and feelings of security.

I can see that in some circumstances it might confuse children but that depends how it is handled. I can’t see that a little bit of confusion is worse than missing out on having both your parents enjoying time together. Being the child of separated parents and then getting step parents already comes with difficulty, and I don’t see how that’s any easier when parents are totally separate.

No matter how clear you believe you make it to the children that you are not getting back together, children have imagination and will make up their own outcomes - which will in all probability be that “great mum & dad are getting back together” and give them false hope. You will re-enforce this with doing Christmas together and other trips - then what happens to their world if you / ex get a partner and all the togetherness of activities stops.

You can co-parent but you need to be fair to your children and not confuse them / give false hope. Imagine the harm that might do to a new relationship you have - the DC may well be resentful to the partner because that person is responsible for the joint events and “happy families” to stop. Might feel right now but potentially stacking up problems for the future.

I've done it a few times. It was great and not at all confusing for our DS. He knows that we aren't getting back together. We just like holidays with him

My partner has a son with his ex, they split 6ish years ago when he was 2 i believe, possibly just turned 3. She kicked him out of their joint tennant council house despite him having as much right to stay there as her, and haven't been in the same room together since. Yet their 8 year old still asked a few weeks ago why daddy can't move back in. Despite her having a new partner and 2 more children with him. Children don't understand adult relationships, they can't differentiate between 2 adults in a romantic/sexual relationship, and 2 adults who are just friends and co parenting. Until they are old enough to understand adult relationships, it's going to give them false hope of the family getting back together, and that's just not fair on the child.

Plus i honestly don't think it's fair on a new partner either. I know my partner didn't want their relationship to end, was blindsided by her ending things and telling him to leave, and devastated to lose his family unit overnight and become a weekend dad only. We didn't meet til 2 years after their split, and i know he's definitely over her now, and wouldn't want to go back, especially now there's 2 other kids by another man. Their contact with eachother is minimal and neccessity only, so i feel fully secure in my relationship with him and no threat from her.

However, if the relationship had ended more amicably or been a joint decision, and they still saw a lot of eachother, had lots of calls/texts outside of child based contact, I would have a worry that there were still possibly feelings there for one, or possibly both. All it could take is the right incident or circumstance and they could rediscover the romantic feelings they once had, it happened once, so not unreasonable to believe they could fall for eachother again, and cheat.

I generally don't like the idea of staying friends with exes though, i don't want another woman around that he's been sexually attracted to/intimate with and had feelings for/loved. I'm very much a clean break and cut all contact after kind of person, and thankfully so is my partner. I'm not against admitting that yes i can be a jealous person in that context, due to low self esteem.

I knew someone who did this, and on the face of it it seemed really nice and good for the kids. But then they had another baby but still weren’t together, just banging when they hung out, and I think that must be horribly upsetting and confusing for the poor kids, who all clearly now have attachment issues.

mine were a bit older when me and my ExH separated. Neither of us have had new partners in the mean time. Days out fine, holidays, absolutely not.

We get on ok, but hell will freeze over before i stay overnight in the same place as him ever again. edited to add: I don't trust him not to see it as an invitation. give that man an inch and he tries to take a mile.

I think it's fine if the kids are OK with it and neither partner is a loon. Dhs ex, who has never Really had another partner has been away with him and the kids and I've been there too now they've grown up. I've taken just the kids away with dh too.

Know other people who do this too.

Its good for parents to co parent amicably but I think it would be confusing for the children if they still went on holidays etc together.

Don't think many new partners would be happy with this either. Their feelings should be respected too.

This. Mine did it when I was 18 (much younger siblings) and while we had a good time mostly there was always a weird undercurrent

I think it’s really sad that most of the replies here are negative.

Growing up, my parents couldn’t be in the same room together. One of my friends had divorced parents, they all had Sunday lunch together every week - even as teenagers the kids saw that as sacrosanct and never missed a weekend. One parent was remarried, one wasn’t. I certainly know which family I wanted to be in.

I think it’s nice if you are amicable and can make jt work for the kids. You are modeling how to be civil and kind even after a break.
I don’t see an issue with it, maybe future partners might not like it though.

A relative of mine does this, goes away on holiday with his ex and their 11 year old. It works well for them. Neither have new partners though.

I can't help thinking if you get on well enough with an ex to holiday with them, you probably shouldn't have put your kids through a split in the first place

If I was in this situation I'd personally want to build my own life and do my own holidays/days out. I do feel it's confusing to the child as well, seeing Mum and Dad together on holiday maybe having false hope.

Friends of ours did this. We had a holiday already booked (4 families) and they came along. They had been split around 9 months at that point. They got back together, perhaps as a result of the holiday. They’re together still now, 5 years later!