To think I can’t manage a job on top of children?

Agreed. I had a Big Job. It was totally possible to do it flexibly. Some of the men at my level also worked flexibly, some very much expected their spouse to pick everything up

It’s really hard, I went back 4 days a week when mine were 4 and 11 months, 11 month old was a horrific sleeper till she was 3.5 😱 I was so stressed but hang in there, it does get better.

Definitely persist with a cleaner, honestly mine doesn’t do a perfect job but she comes every week without fail and that is a million times better than the flaky ones I had before.

Lower your standards, my house wasn’t super tidy, DIY/gardening had to wait and I cut down on some laundry/used the tumble drier a lot but it wasn’t the end of the world.

Children ate tea at nursery so that made life easier, got a Gousto subscription in lockdown and I still keep that up as it means I don’t have to meal plan/shop as frequently. Online Tesco shop every 2 weeks to stock up so minimal shopping needed in the week for fresh bits. Subscription deliveries of toilet roll (Bumboo) and cleaning supplies (Smol) to reduce the mental load.

Do anything you can afford to make life easier till things get better.

Ps my DH and i are both very senior, each earning upwards of £150k. There is almost always some flexibility over start or finish times. Lots of people assume their DHs Big Job must be respected at all cost but their DH might be working alongside a bloke who's wife out earns him, where he feels he has to push for flexibility more. Or their DH might be working for a team leader like me, with their own young family, working 4 days a week.

Things will get better / easier as your little ones get a bit older.
In the meantime could you look around for a nice 6th year schoolgirl or university student who likes children and would be a bit of a ‘mother’s help’ for an hour or two when you get home a couple of times a week? Not too expensive and has worked well for friends.

Your children are too young to be left alone with an unqualified person , but another pair of hands there to keep them safe/ amused and give you five minutes to have a seat and coffee or make dinner would be a godsend. My niece did this for a neighbour with three under 5 ( twins and singleton, poor soul!) as she wanted to be an infant teacher and loved kids.

I sympathise, OP!

Hang on where is your DH part of this challenge. I used to up and out before my exh I left everything out got them up, we both got them ready then I went to work

The same in evening divide and conquer. Buy more clothes to reduce pressure. Divide and conquer at weekend, one heads out for a couple of hours then blitz for hour then chill with coffee for an hour alternative the next day.

It isn't easy but it is doable if both do fair share. We both did 5 days in office back when mine where that age group.

Get someone into the house to look after them. Same price. No stress.

What child admin/prep does your husband do before he leaves at 7am?

It's tough but on the other hand, you're NOT working for 4 days of the week? I work 5 days a week and yes it was tough when I went back after the second (at the time DS was 3 and DD 13m) but we coped. I work in a professional role and was having to drive to work at 6.30 after about 4 hours sleep some days. Gradually it got easier. Covid was horrendous but it did mean I went to wfh most of the time which of course helps.
Sometimes the house was/is a mess but I lowered my standards. Kids often get beige food. Shopping is all done online. Joint calendars for everything. I definitely carry a bigger mental load than DH but no way would I give up my career.

I don't feel pointing out that your husband working hours are one of the main reasons for why you are struggling so much is "a pile on".

I expect he is tired too and his wage is important. However he has other responsibilities. Like being a supportive husband. He is leaving all the work to you because of his hours. They do not work for your family and are running you into the ground.

Can you financially manage you taking a couple of years career break?
It'll get easier when the younger one starts school.

1. Your DH has too long a commute. Leaving at 7 to start work at 9 is two hours, its not sustainable with a young family.

1. You need to prep the night before. Dh needs to have the nursery bags ready, outfits ready etc.

1. What time do DC wake? If they wake before he goes, Dh needs to get up earlier to himself ready, so that he's free to pitch in as much as possible getting them ready before he goes. I get a 7am train (have since eldest was 1) on my office days and before i go i help DH dress the kids and i set up breakfast things in kitchen. I get up earlier to do this.

1. Get a cleaner thats happy to tidy as well. They exist. I don't do anything before mine comes.

1. Get a larger washing machine with a 10kg drum.

1. Get a robot hoover.

1. Batch cook on sundays - you & DH take turns to do a batch every other week & make a massive quantity - 4 family meals worth of pasta sauce. Freeze in takeaway tubs.

It’s hard to see it but the reason so many PPs are mentioning your DH is because he is part of the solution to an easier life. You’re worried about being managed out but a fully supportive husband has a much bigger impact on your career than having kids. Flexible working requests to allow your DH to do the morning drop off while you do the evening pick ups should be looked at properly. I work in a law firm and a significant proportion of the male lawyers with children either start work late or leave early for childcare purposes despite being the breadwinners. Don’t martyr yourself.

We were in this situation 8 years ago. My DH was especially unhappy about being away from his kids so long. So he applied for a new role in the organisation that he could do in 4 days and also wfh. The first few years money was too tight for holidays and fancy dinners, but it gave us so much happiness! And after a few years I went back to 4 days and DH got promoted , and now we live our life comfortably . Totally worth it!

Would you actually prefer not to work and be a SAHP whilst your children are under primary school age?

If so, can you afford it?

If no to either of the above, then what do you think might help?

It’s relentless at this age. The lack of sleep doesn’t help either.

What does your morning routine look like? What time do the kids get up? What time do you get up? And you’re ready before the kids are up and about?

What does your evening routine look like? Do you lay everything out? Do you make the lunches etc?

Maybe some of us can give you some ideas of what could change a little bit.

I should add, I say all this as someone who hated routine but after trying it realised that the relentlessness got a little bit less and easier to tackle by having some in place.

I should also add as well, once put some routine in place, I found that I had enough time to throw a meal in the slow cooker on some mornings which meant the evening wasn’t quite as tricky.

It is really hard. But it doesn’t last forever.

Have you considered doing a childcare course and looking after other children from your home? Would that be a significant drop in income, or could it work?

I get it. DH earns 4 times what I do and it's hard to rock the boat in those jobs, but with my job comes a 2.30 finish and a day off a week so that's the compromise. However DH does the morning school dropoff because he works both from home, and with a few men who also do the same so it's part of the company culture. It would really, really help you if he could move to a closer job or find something hybrid.

Re: housework I would resign yourself to a slightly chaotic environment for a few years. Clean toilets and clean clothes. Rest is a bonus.

Do you have any family locally to lean on? If I had my mum locally, she would do some batch cooking for me or do the bedtime routine one evening a week so I could do a hobby (she's awesome but we live in different countries).

I think your DH needs to do more cleaning in the evening and week-ends.

Do you prep your mornings the night before?

You're in the really tough first 2 yrs with your baby so you will feel less ragged once they're a bit older and doesn't need for everything.

Hang in there. xx

It is hard when they are so little. I remember being exhausted and stress. I am glad I keep my job and career though. I was part time for 14 years.

If you can’t/ don’t want to outsource you have to lower your standards. focus on the main things and let everything else go, wait

You're in the trenches with dc that age unfortunately. They make a massive amount of mess at that age and need your input for everything!

What childcare do you use? Nursery will feed them decent food, they don't need breakfast and you don't need to worry about healthy dinners those days.

Have a repertoire of quick and easy meals like jacket potatoes, pasta bake etc.

Cleaning - I don't do much cleaning and honestly so far no-one has died. We have a robot hoover which trundles round at the weekend, I think cleaner people than me do it every day.

Honestly I find this a bit pathetic. You only work 3 days, there’s two of you. Get on with it. You have 2 days a week to keep on top of house stuff etc Be more organised. Being a parent is a relentless stream of rushing about, cleaning, getting no sleep etc.
I’ve worked full time since DD was 10 months old, going part time is simply not an option, single parent. I’d kill for 2 days off and another adult to share the load.

I think finding the right cleaner is the big one. Some are more prepared than others to do the tidying up too - if you can find one who is happy to put away toys and clothes etc and can live with things not being as you would do it, could make a bit difference. Hard to find the right person but if you explain what help you need the person might be out there

I’m another one who slogged through the painful years and kept working. It saved my life when I had to leave XH

Your DH really should see if he can have some flexible working. Half a day off a week even would give you more breathing space. And remember you/he pays the most tax on the top of income: dropping that may not have too bad a money impact.

and my cleaner is a real help. But my standards are low and I’m happy to have all the toys pushed away in the wrong places.