To think I can’t manage a job on top of children?

The early years are really tough.

We did similar and it's slightly better now the kids are older (6&8) but it's still exhausting.

Honest suggestion? Lower your standards. As long as your kids are fed and you're maintaining minimum hygiene standards, I wouldn't get worked up over a bit of dust and sheets not being changed.

• We rearranged our living room so the sofa divides it and the kids' crap is behind it. So when we (finally) collapse at the end of a day I don't have to look at it and I can pretend it's not there.
• I get kids involved as much as possible so necessary housework is done. Eg they help with laundry by matching socks and sorting their own stuff.
• The help in the garden because I bribe them with 1€ for each bag of leaves they pick up.
• once a month on a Sunday we stick a film on for them and blitz the house. Between then it's just basic hygiene wipe-downs of everything.

@Newyearnewnameagain20 you are so right

Modern, western life certainly is a “fucking nightmare” 😉 and often does not honour our children, from the very young to teens with nurturing, happy adults who are present in the moment to actively enjoy sharing their precious childhoods

I only had my children minded by grandparents once when I attended a 16 month old child’s funeral. The rest of the time I was lucky that because my DH and I were older parents , we were able to use long service leave , annual leave to juggle things. I worked only two days part time in between also being SAHM until children at primary school then I worked full time and still do, with young adults at home. We both loved being parents of our four amazing children but it was almost impossible at times and my mental health took a dive.
I agree. @Newyearnewnameagain20 yes, extended families who were supported by their extended families are naturally more supportive of the children in their community and this makes parenting in the modern world a far saner experience, despite the challenges it may bring .

I hate it when people normalise living like this and try to put down others for choosing / trying not to.

and to be prepared to be shattered for the next 15 years!
I thought YWBU until I read the last sentence.
You've described my life too (I had to get a cleaner once a week though as I was going insane with 12hr/day work+commute)...

And yesterday I was thinking about writing an AIBU about being completely exhausted but now I'll read this thread instead!

I just find it awful how society expects women to look after multiple children, run a house and work....it's just so much. That's not to mention ever being able to exercise, rest, have some downtime, heaven forbid a social life! I also hate the idea that if you find it difficult, it's just because you're not trying enough

You are at a brutal stage and I promise it does get easier. there were points my job nearly tipped us over the edge especially when one or both of the children were ill. But… at the other end, I’m glad I persevered. I have a career with good prospects and have a good pension that would have been minimal if I’d continued. 3 days was my sweet spot where I felt things worked pretty well.

Uni he doesn't ah r to do half the drop off and pick ups

You work as a team to work out what each should and can do

In this case I would suggest as little as possible during the week and share chores and a lie in each at the weekend

What a useless comment. All you've done is gloat.

The dynamic of every household is very different, and some people are better at lack of sleep than others. OP is in a rough patch with her lack of sleep right now and you've said very discourangingly "be prepared to be shattered for the next 15 years!"

I also noticed you mentioned bath time. If you are doing it everyday, stop. There's no need.

I know lots of people have it as part of bedtime routine but it doesn't have to be. It's such a chunk of time when time is limited in the evening.

They won't come to any harm with one every couple of days and a wash.

I don't think the criticism of your husband is fair. If he start late then he'd just be even later home and it doesn't really gain anything.

The problem is not that you’re working, it’s that your husband doesn’t help with the kids at all because he’s only home when they are asleep. He should be doing half the drop offs and pickups.

Oh, there’s always those people on these threads. “Do the minimum, with triplets I only slow-cook a roast twice a week, it’s OK to only bleach the loo once each morning – I let it work while I’m hoovering inside the sofa cushions.”

I go by everyone fed, nobody dead.

True.

I’m in a similar boat. I have 3 (aged 8,2 and 1) and work 3 long shifts (12 hour) We also have 2 dogs. My DH works 5 awful shifts, usually out until 7.

I tend to find it best to clean every day so it doesn’t get crazy. Put a load of washing in a day. Hoover once. Walk dogs with DC in pram. Etc etc. I also organise everything the night before to make the school run easier. I also make easy meals, quick as possible!

I also give up one whole day usually to a house ‘reset’ if I can. I just let the DC potter around helping or playing with toys as I go.

The thing I found helped the most though was getting sleep. I go to bed with my children most of the time, I would rather get sleep than watch TV and you’ll feel much better for it!

It really is hard. Unfortunately though unless you can afford to reduce your hours further or not to work at all then I don’t know what else you can do. But yes really bloody hard

I changed to 5 shorter days instead of 3 full days at work when DC started school and this has solved this issue for me. I get half an hour at home before the school run then a good couple of hours after school run to prepare dinner, do housework and spend time with DC. Maybe you could look at stretching your hours out like this so you don’t end up with the mad rush at either end of the day

Yes, it's horrific and can cause terrible mental health problems if you don't get any downtime.

I'm bemused by some of the suggestions about only doing the minimum of housework...them listing seriously crazy shit like dusting and cleaning skirting boards. Those can be left for a one-off with DH every six months or so, surely? I dusted a few skirting boards and shelves last weekend, but only because DS is 11 now, so can do most of it for me!

Cleaning one room a day? Just don't.

The bare minimum, i.e. hygiene, health & safety, is difficult enough.

It really can help to keep remembering it will pass.

And it's not natural. Humans are meant to live in communal groups where they share tasks, not struggling alone/in pairs.

Modern, western life is a fucking nightmare with small children. It feels almost impossible because it is. I married into a non-western family, with multi generational living and grand parents helping extensively, almost like co-parehts. It has its challenges but it’s made me feel that the current western nuclear model (including both parents working full time) isn’t really how we as animals were designed to bring up our children

On the three days you work, what can your DH do to make the morning go easier for you ? Can he pack nursery bags the night before, get breakfast things out and ready before he leaves, help getting things sorted after kids are in bed ?? Your DH doesn’t have a monopoly on being tired.

I’d re think the cleaner - if you have to tidy the evening before - if yourself and yourself spent 20 minutes both doing a quick tidy, I’m sure the house would be presentable for your cleaner.

I'm a grandmother of now school age kids. I can't help thinking that it is so sad that parents these days are so stressed and overworked. I found it hard having little ones and I didn't go back to work until the youngest went to school aged 5. So many people have commented along the lines of 'you just have to get through it' like it is normal for it to be an ordeal instead of the pleasure it ought to be. I don't know what the answer is however as these days most families need two incomes to survive.

@Clementine1513 In that case I guess she just shouldn't work then. I was trying to think of ways to make things a bit easier, but maybe it's not possible.

My kids are almost exactly the same age as yours and totally agree - it's a massive struggle and I'm absolutely shattered. I work full time but with some flexibility, finishing at 3 twice a week and making up the hours on the other 3 days. No cleaner or additional help, though our childminder definitely makes our life easier as she's reliable and brilliant

I also find the exhaustion adds to the stress eg I lost my debit card this week because I'm not paying enough attention etc

so first, I totally understand how you feel. You are in the parenting trenches, my view is it is about surviving until you can climb out of the trenches. It will get easier. I have cut out a lot of things: meals are simple, I exercise by cycling places as don't have time to myself to exercise etc

can you clean a bit in the evenings? I focus on ensuring the kitchen is clean as that feels the most important.

but yeah, it's a total struggle. Please don't quit though - I think you would regret it when your kids are older

@DinosaurMunch I want “obviously don’t iron” written on a T-shirt!!

sorry some other tips -

Robot hoover
Each have a list of jobs - I.E my partner does all the washing and I put it all away. Teamwork is key.

Look for jobs (both of you) which are more flexible - they are out there.

Just do the absolute basics on your work days in terms of the house. Then on your days off, have a clean round when your 16 month is having a nap ( presumably your almost 4 year old has the free nursery hours). Can you work four days each instead of 3 and 5? One Monday - Thursday and the other Tuesday to Friday? Will help share the load a bit.

It will get easier as the children can do more for themselves and you get more time at least on your days off.
For now, lower your standards and cut corners wherever you can.
Bath them once a week at the weekend. Only change their clothes if dirty, otherwise leave them on day and night. Or at least put them to bed in their clothes.
Eat together with the children in the evening - saves a load of time. Cook quick things on work nights like egg on toast beans on toast pizza.
On work days, don't do anything other than food related and washing up.
Reduce the frequency of washing sheets and towels - whatever it is now, double the time between washes, you won't notice the difference in cleanliness but will notice the difference in work.
Similar with other cleaning - double the interval between bathroom cleaning, hoovering etc
Obviously don't iron

I found now mine are 3 and 5 I have a much cleaner house - there just seems to be more time to do it. it's nicer for sure but wouldn't have been worth the stress to keep it this clean when they were really young. I'm.a single parent and work 3 days. Life feels very leisurely these days!