To think I can’t manage a job on top of children?

My top tips

• have a quiet day on one of your two non-working days
• make sure you work on your DH's wfh day and make him responsible for nursery drop off and pick up. If you can, start a bit earlier / finish a bit later on this day to build up goodwill at work for the days you are running late
• prepare as much as possible the night before
• consider doing 4 x shorter days when dc1 starts school next year
• do housework little and often - easier to put a wash in the machine every evening and move to tumble drier in the morning than have a mountain to deal with at the weekend.

You're not acknowledging that everyone is different.

Or do you genuinely think that everyone can do anything if they just try hard enough?

Did you miss the part of my comment that said 'and stay mentally ok'?

Lone parent here with no family support and definitely not a high wage and I always worked full time since DS was at primary. Everyone I know has always worked full time, even my great grandmother worked, in working class families it's the norm as you just can't live on one wage!

The vast majority of people I know who happily have both parents work full time are either earning a very high wage so they can pay for a lot of help or they have a lot of family support. My husband and I are both nurses and I don't know many families on our kind of salaries that have both parents working full time unless grandparents pick up the slack for school runs etc.

@Chipsintheair

I see it as a call for more life-work balance, more flexible, family-friendly hours and equal paternity leave.

I can totally get behind that. But I often see people saying that it’s “impossible” to have two parents working. It’s demonstrably not impossible or millions of people wouldn’t do it.

Calling for work/life balance is great. Lamenting the poor provision of maternity and paternity leave is also good. But words matter and people saying it’s “impossible” is a slippery slope that leads from “it’s hard and I’m knackered” to “I can’t do it so it’s just easier to let my husband do it.” It’s a bit like when your teen says to you their homework is impossible. It’s not, it’s just difficult. But when things are difficult we need to build people up and support them rather than just giving them permission to quit.

For many reasons having a household built around a breadwinner and a homemaker is usually a bad idea in the long term primarily for the homemaker. It can work short term but it’s a very risky long term strategy.

I don’t want to police how people talk and think about their work lives but I think it’s important to make the case that it’s absolutely not impossible.

My experience alas is that it doesn't really get easier as DC gets older. Mine are 10, 8, 4 - all in primary school. I work FT with a long commute 2 days a week, DH WFH total 4 days a week. No family help.Both of us above average but not high earners. Jobs v flexible. I also pursue a hobby to international standard. I remained enthusiastic about work post DC1 and DC2. After DC3 I just feel broken, permanently stressed by the hideous state of the house, resentful of DH that he gets to spend more time with DC than I do. But I was a high achiever at school so the idea of doing less never seemed/seems an option, despite being permanently at breaking point.

What days do you work? If you don't currently work on a Friday, can you start doing so? Then you have one day when you 'just' need to get to work and he can do nursery etc.

Mother's helper is an American term. I worked as a mother's helper in America, which we would call au pair.

I see it as a call for more life-work balance, more flexible, family-friendly hours and equal paternity leave.

I thought it meant valium, as in the Stones song?

@GingerMaineCoon I'd heard of it before (on here) but don't know anyone in real life who's actually had one!

It’s common in America - usually local students. Late high school, university students xx

I'd literally not even heard of it before today on this thread!

@ZippyDenimBear

Alot don't. So looking back on how you did it is not helpful but smug. Smug and unhelpful.

I can’t speak for this poster but I don’t think it’s meant to be smug. The point some of us are making is that yes its hard but its a bit of a slippery slope for people to say this is a reason to revert to a 1950s model of one breadwinner and one homemaker.

The narrative around “it’s all too hard” worries me a bit. It’s bloody hard but it’s possible and it’s almost always worthwhile in the long run.

Well its a case of living it, and getting through. I do miss some of those days now they are older, but my life is easier.

Bravo you.

Of course it's doable. Not really what the op is asking though, is it, reading between the lines.

She's saying it's really difficult.

You may have found it a pice of cake, though I doubt it.

Alot don't. So looking back on how you did it is not helpful but smug. Smug and unhelpful.

It is of course perfectly possible as lots of people do it but you may need to muddle through for a while, lower your standards, clean at the weekend when DH is around to help.

@Chipsintheair

The sensible way of doing things is to live in extended families and communities so that many people share the childcare together, enabling the parents to sleep, work and even socialise as well as look after their children.

Maybe but very few people have that luxury these days. I didn’t have any extended family around me. I think it’s not uncommon for people to have moved away from their town of birth and to not have this support.

Oh and i don't go on social media so I'm oblivious to all this shite where people have immaculate homes, perfect hair and nails and glossy children in chic attire.

It helps a lot.

I have four DC so not far off that myself 🤣 14 years and counting...still have the youngest two in primary...

I read this with the same sadness as you do.
'In the trenches' almost always gets used a few times in these threads, since when should getting to enjoy family life be like a war

I don't feel "in the trenches". I think there was an initial stage where we had to learn how to basically be more organised, but once we had got there, DH and I manage fine. DH does his share. I'm on my way the office early, he'll do school run today and i can bet he'll have put washing on a timer and got something out of the freezer for dinner. We are in a good habit now so we have time in the evenings and weekends.

@GingerMaineCoon I would think it’s hard to find a mother’s helper, as how many people want to work for just a couple of hours a day? You can’t make a living out of it.

Hi OP
Hope you are ok this morning and got some rest.
This is me also. Same age kids too. It is exhausting. I'm in work 5 days a week with the last month and it's hellish. Only for we have a reliable childminder I would be screwed entirely as we have zero outside help. I miss the kids terribly too.
Just to give you a hand hold and I totally understand what you are going through as I yawn my way through typing this message.

@PyongyangKipperbang

Oh, you're the woman who someone else responded about something with your username (quite memorable) and you got quite snooty with her.

I should Google this at some point because your name obviously means something

Anyway, do 'mothers helpers' still exist?