To think I can’t manage a job on top of children?

It's the sleep!! As soon as you get to sleep, everything feels better.

Your DH needs to do more. 7pm is not that late to get in from work, I have just got in now myself. In the next 30 - 45 mins I will make dinner, put away some washing, run the hoover round and iron some clothes. I am sure he could manage that.

It is really hard but your post suggests it's all on you. It shouldn't be. He has to step uo the minute he comes home and at weekends. Make sure he has one major task like cooking or cleaning and that's his. Basically no parent sits down till both are sitting down. It does get better , hang on in there!

then you have 2 whole days to yourself with the kids to get stuff done

I don’t have children and even I know that’s amusing with a toddler

It's called life. It's busy. You just need to learn to adapt and when you stop comparing it to pre-children life you'll find it much more manageable.

Just wait until the kids get older and want to go to different activities in the evenings and weekends!!

If you only work 3 days a week, then you have 2 whole days to yourself with the kids to get stuff done then 2 days at the weekends where one of you takes the kids out and the other gets stuff done.

Laundry can be put on any time. Put it on as soon as you get in from work. It can dry indoors over night. Get the kids to help with chores or get the 4 year old to help and the younger one can go safely in the play pen. My twins used to love "helping". Plan meals that are easy to prepare or batch cook and freeze portions.

Is it possible to get up a bit earlier and leave / drop kids off a bit earlier so you're not last-minute to work?

It is exhausting. Presumably this was a job that you did full time and then dropped to part time?

I found this period really hard but decent part time jobs are difficult to come by

If you can get through it, it gets better and then the part time option is great.

Now I'm glad I pushed through and I've stayed part time even though they are both in school which is great.

Also those ages are still bloody hard work even if you are at home so also not a bed of roses.

Just trying to provide some reassurance that it does improve but yes, I do remember the exhaustion.

I feel your pain - solo with kids a similar age (little is 11m) and about to go back to work from maternity leave. I work FT in medicine but have managed to shift my hours to mainly 9-5 and I employ a babysitter when I'm on call. I don't believe in sleep training so I co sleep instead and that's the lifesaver. Did the same first time round with my big one and that definitely allowed me to continue to function. Thankfully she sleeps now! I get zero regular time where I'm not with kids or at work so I take a strategic day of annual leave every few months and just chill/get my hair cut etc.
Part of it is reducing your standards (my house is not as tidy as I'd like) and also trying to be super organised - I batch cook whenever I can and the eldest always had school/nursery lunches. I have way more school uniform than I really need, but that way if laundry gets behind I'm not suddenly rushing. Stuff like that.

It's the lack of sleep more than anything else, that causes the exhaustion. To feel human and viable you need enough sleep so you must catch up on some missed sleep as a priority. On the two weekdays you are at home, make a point of having a nap of an hour minimum. I assume the child sleeps at some point in the day.

This will make a difference to how you feel and your ability to cope with everything. Do the same on either Saturday or Sunday while your husband is at home. You won't know yourself. Someone in my extended family finally got a sleep trainer after over a year of exhaustion. It worked a treat and changed everything.

sorting the sleep would be a massive thing for you. Not an easy fix but get your dh to help- he's also a parent.

I've been there with rubbish sleep and it makes everything so much harder!

What is dh doing when he's home? Working 5 days doesn't mean he can't do housework too.

I've always worked full time, there's no option and just have to manage. Flexible hours are a life saver, but I still have to do a full days work mon-fri. Me and dh do 50/50 and that's not negotiable. If I cook he does the dishes, if he's done the laundry all week I'll hoover and tidy.

What is your household income now minus childcare and what would it be if you gave up work, including any benefits you would be due.

If it's more working can you use some/most of that money to make life easier. Before or after school sessions, childcare on one of your days off to let you get on top of things, cleaner, quality prepared meals or meal kits.

It really is better to stay in work for your future security, the kids will get easier.

If you give up work make sure dh is paying into a pension for you and that you have equal access to money and leisure time. Even with this if you split be aware you'll be set back in your career.

2 and just turned 4 here. We muddle through - I wfh 2 days a week, as does DH - and I only do 4 days. But I frequently find myself thinking that families just weren’t designed for two working parents. I feel like a bad feminist for saying it, and in our case it’s nothing to do with ‘his important job’ - I earn in 4 days what he earns in 5. If I earned what we both earn, I’d work 5 days and he could be a SAHD. Or the other way around. But our earnings just cover nursery, mortgage, food, bills, clothes (in that order!)

I had a friend who unexpectedly had twins with her second pregnancy and she quit work. Because she earned 25% of the household income and he earned 75%. So it was a no brainer when childcare was factored in. But right now it just feels like we’re hanging on til school. So 1) yanbu and 2) solidarity!

Dh needs to take a week off to sleep train the youngest. We used the pantly pull off method to get them to start to self settle then dh needs at some point to take a week off work and focus on getting the youngest to sleep and change the routines around sleep. If he is tired in the day he can nap.

Perhaps also take time off to get a few systems in place.

Find a cleaner who is fine to tidy up. Be clear that sometimes it will be messy in which case their role is to tidy up more than clean and you accept that on those weeks fewer of the optional jobs will be done.

ugh…I sympathise. Sorry I can’t give advice as I haven’t figured it out myself- whatever I do I’m still knackered. It’s a tiring struggle.

This was the hardest time for me too, a 1 year old and a 4 year old plus work is a lot.

I don't know if this will be helpful, but I found with mine we turned a bit of a corner with sleep at 18 months, and everything feels better when you've had a bit more sleep.

Can your DH do a few things in the morning before he leaves, like get breakfast stuff ready on the table or bags sorted for preschool?

One thing we did was our kids had a proper lunch and a very small 'tea' at nursery at about 4. So on nursery days they just had a very simple supper if they were still hungry. Something like toast, crackers and cheese, cereal or porridge.

It is very very hard. But I think lowering your standards regarding cleaning and especially tidying might help. Do you cook? You could cut time by eating more ready-made stuff.
My cleaner has never cancelled in 5 years and is amazing. I think you've been unlucky.

What about a babysitter once a week? If you have no family support, try befriending people in your neighbourhood. We had no family help at all but we've really lucked out with some lovely retired couples in our street acting as proxy grandparents.

Sometimes radical steps have to be taken. I have changed careers completely for more flexibility.

Advertise for a home help so you get someone who tidied and does laundry etc as well as just cleaning?

Or yes, reconsider whether either you both drop to part time (ideal) or one of you stops altogether (but do think about pension contributions and access to money for the non earning parent and consider the job security and job satisfaction of the earning parent)

It really is brutal when they are tiny-I remember it well. My DH worked long hours and my kids never seemed to sleep either-I really empathise.

I think having really good routines is the way to cope and try not to beat yourself up about it. Things like

Get the kids clothes and bags ready the night before.
Do a sweep around tidying up when the kids are in bed every night-that makes the mornings easier. As the kids get bigger, they can help.
Do a load of washing every day you’re not at work. Ignore the laundry on work days.
Do beds and towels at the weekend when there’s two of you-either do them together or one takes the kids out for an hour.
Meal plan in advance-I do my online supermarket shop whilst I’m doing it.

I Have a 5 year old at school and a 14 month at nursery. Everything is laid out the night before, clothes, bags, water bottles, shoes and coats.

The kids don't leave their bedroom until they are fully dressed. All toys are downstairs so no distractions. They are also dressed by me when they are still sleepy to avoid running around. I am dressed 90 per cent before they wake up. Then I have to drop by bus two kids at two different locations. We live at 7:15am. I do this three days a week as I work one other at home.

Kitchen is cleaned every night and dishwasher loaded. A load of washing is done every night and stuck into the tumble dryer or hung up and the previous night is folded (not put away).

At the weekend my husband hoovers every room. Front room is done twice/three times a week. Bathroom and bedrooms are dusted and clothes put away at the weekend.

Life's hectic, standards are way lower but it's sort of working until someone gets sick.

Im sure you'll get lots of tips on which may make things slightly easier....but I agree with you ...two small children, a dh who works long hours and a house to run is enough work as it is

I would persist with trying to find a better / more reliable cleaner. I understand definitely that some are flakey and it makes life more stressful, but not all are like that. Put out an advert? Or use a well respected / well reviewed cleaning agency or something?

I hate tidying for the cleaner but I try and do it in chunks. Like 2 nights before they're due I'll go through the house and put away all the clean washing and make sure all dirty is in baskets. So thats that job done. Then the night before I tidy the worst room of clutter (usually that is the living room / dining room) and I do this while having the TV or music on in the evening so it doesn't feel too awful. I pick up toys from my daughter's room while I'm doing her PJ's / bed time routine. Then on the morning they are due I just have the kitchen to clear up and anything else miscellaneous I shove in a big cardboard box and stick it in a cupboard. If I leave all the tidying until right before they're due its horrendous. Just try and break it down over a few days and ensure your partner is doing his bit with this too!!

Get a better cleaner! Ours also does the housekeeping/tidies up if we end up leaving it all a horrible mess one morning. They also do all the beds. Then anything they can’t get to we can do on weekends. Meal prepping on a day you WFH and can DH also wfh more?

In my experience it’s the sleep deprivation that makes this feel so unmanageable; when my youngest started sleeping better it felt a hundred times easier and then as they’ve grown I’ve got little snippets of time back which again makes it feel so much better

Lastly, having given those tips.. consider that they came from someone with no help from a partner, and decide if you should be feeling in the same boat - I'd say not....

I’m afraid that all I can say is that this doesn’t last forever. It’s hard, definitely, but it will work out in the end.

All you can do is adjust your expectations of yourself, have an untidy house and learn to turn a blind eye to stuff that’s not important.

Embrace pyjama days, find short cuts that make life easier (robot hoover and slow cooker for me), disengage from battles of wills where appropriate.

Mainly remember the mantra ‘this is temporary’