To think I can’t manage a job on top of children?

This isn't a one size fits all question. There are plenty of women who work full time and manage to keep the children and home looking gorgeous. There are also women who, for a variety of reasons, are unable to do it.
People also have different opinions (imagine!) about what us best for kids.
I couldn't have worked full-time and parented my daughter in the way I wanted to.
Each to their own.

I think both parents working is great if -

You have plenty of money for nanny, cleaner, gardener etc
Or
Amazing support network

The problem is because you work part time the house and kids default to you so if you add up what you are doing it's probably more than your dh but not recognised in the same way. It will get easier when both kids are in school.

Your issue is that you both have inflexible jobs. Adding 2 kids into the mix was never going to be easy. Also as your youngest isn't sleeping through and your dh has a long commute means you are doing a lot of parenting alone.

You need his money, fair enough but you haven't answered as to why he can't put in a flexible working request, or looking at compressing hours?If his industry requires him working away then the lions share of domestic drudgery on top of parenting was always going to fall on you?What was your plan for that? Your heart isn't in your job. Something needs to change if one partners working hours don't work for the family.

I had 2 under 2 and was tired until youngest hit 2 and finally slept through. We had no family support so had to work around each other.

You can make your life easier by reducing the pressure on yourself. Batch cook or do simple meals with next to no prepping time on your working days. Bath the kids every other day when you are working. Assuming you have a dishwasher, use it. Put it on in the evening and your dh can empty it before he leaves for work. Keep toys in the kids bedrooms as opposed to living room so at least the room you unwind in is tidy. If you have to have toys downstairs then limit the amount and invest in good storage. Make sure bags are prepped the night before and by the door (or in the car boot) so you are ready to go in the mornings. Only do laundry on days off, if you can store laundy baskets in a storage cupboard so they aren't cluttering up a room or acting as a constant reminder there is washing to be done. Your dh can hoover in the evening on your working days before kids go to bed. Get used to wiping surfaces as you go and just working that bit smarter. The only way I got through that time was having a strong routine for dh and myself.

It is a tiring stage, it will get easier.

I have been tired and had brain fog since becoming a mother (over 10 years ago now). I am sure it’s down to interrupted sleep. I think if you can sleep when the kids sleep you will feel much better. Even now I go to bed when my daughter does most nights - it helps.

One thing that has helped with energy levels is taking NMN as a supplement each morning. If you are not still breast feeding I’d recommend trying this. It has really given me the extra energy I need to help with managing work. I work FT as I have no choice (I was the breadwinner when married and exH refuses to pay/contribute to things I want for our daughter, like private school, so me continuing to earn a good salary and perform at work is important.).

Other suggestions like batch cooking can really help, but also having some simple meals up your sleeve, like pre-cooking a number of jacket potatoes for the kids and just popping one in the oven and adding cheese, etc when you need it over the week. Cooking a pack of sausages or using some nice soups can also help when you don’t have the energy to prepare a full meal.

Another tip I got from my sister in law when my daughter was a baby was to keep a bucket of water in the bathroom and if any piece of clothing gets food spilt on it etc, you can put it in the bucket until the end of the day/next day when you are doing a wash. This was so helpful for me and saved time and constant washing.

Hang in there, OP. Things will get better.

YANBU. I don’t know how most people manage a job on top of regular broken sleep and life with a toddler (plus DC1’s needs too). They must all be those people of legend that only need a few hours of sleep a night to function perfectly.

You were maybe a bit unreasonable to have a 2nd child relatively soon though (rather than waiting till the first was closer to school age) - as surely DC1 at 16 months gave you a hint of how tough it might be having 2 under 4? Not that it really helps you now though, sorry!

This is such a hard situation, however your health and wellbeing is a priority and I agree your husband needs to start looking at jobs that are nearer and more flexible so he can do more around the home. If the wage is an issue maybe he can talk to his employer about flexi working or hybrid. If you burn out there will be no income because he will have to stay home until you recover and unfortunately burnout happens a lot, especially in the last few years I've noticed long term sickness is now an issue everywhere.
Cleaners and more childcare costs and finding reliable and safe people is hard. So you will be working more but your expenditure will increase and you will have more to do in regards to ensuring they turn up etc it will be pointless.
Maybe sit down with your husband and have a conversation about changing things up. Could you work in a school term time for example and change jobs ? That way you could use the holidays to recharge amd catch up on things etc. More family time too which is always a bonus.
Or if you have any admin skills etc creating your own business from home might be an option.

I am not a mother but am sure if I had have been I would not want to work outside the home.

I am a single woman and find it exhausting combining paid work and life admin for me, a sole person. I don’t know how mothers manage and I especially don’t know how single mothers manage.

Try again with the cleaner. Get a recommendation and work directly with an individual who will commit to a time. It’s impossible to work a busy family around a moving cleaner time and I don’t know why so many of them behave as it it’s unreasonable not to know for sure when they’re coming. It’s not unreasonable, it’s just easier for them not to bother to
manage their time reliably.

Hi,
Lone parent here and I worked 5 days a week until daughter 16 but never had to contend with a second which must be so exhausting.

I had periods of time in our lives together where i felt just about on top of stuff and then other periods (toddler years) where I genuinely didn’t know how I would cope from one day to the next.

On the exhausted days/ weeks/ months/ truly do as little as possible.. go to bed early,, eat left overs, don’t clear up as much.The toddler phase and lack of sleep part does pass and then you will have a bit more energy to think of ways to improve situation.
i would try not to give up work as agree with other posters how important it is.

I had cleaner help - if you can make that work with the right one who listens it is a god send.

I also made use of local teenagers in sixth form who would come over and play with my daughter whilst I was in the house so I could get a few jobs done on Saturday morning or some evenings when I got in from pick ups.
I hope it goes well and you start to feel better x

Just reading everyone's solutions is making me tired. You've got 2 under 5 and you resent having to cram everything in during the week. Don't blame you.
It's not how you imagined having a family to be is it?

Just let everything slide on your work days, don't cook, don't clean, don't do laundry. Nothing will fall apart if you live in an untidy house and eat leftovers 3 days a week. Can you take the children to childminder/nursery in their pyjamas? Even just the youngest would be 1 less thing to do

Honestly I hear you. My children are older and I work part time but the days I’m at work, with all the pickups and drop offs and additional school stuff and sick days etc, actual working is difficult (DH does all this when I’m working, because my job cannot ever be from home either).

I know you said you can’t change this, but your DH’s commute is the biggest problem here.

We do have a cleaner and we do tidy before she comes, but she’s reliable and very good at her job, so it’s a routine that we’re entirely into. She comes on Monday mornings, so we all tidy on Sunday evenings. Put toys / clothes away, etc, but that’s all.

You have my sympathy. It isn’t easy.

Not just this country - most of the world. It's called globalization and neo-liberalism.

I really feel for you. Many of us have been in your shoes. Keep going? Knowing that things will get easier. I think that it’s very important to keep your job for independence.

Is it possible to downgrade your lifestyle a bit until both your children are a little older?

We used to have a schedule. All the jobs, when they need doing, who does them. The two (or even three) night meal is your friend. Have another go at finding a cleaner. If you can afford it, and include changing the beds, washing the towels and ironing in their duties. Find one that doesn’t mind a bit of mess and will put things away once they get familiar with the household. They do exist!

Yes of course 'everyone can work'.

But for some people it involves a heavy cost in terms of their health, their mental wellbeing and the happiness of their home.

Where do your kids go in the day? Can you take them in pyjamas and they have breakfast, teeth etc when they get there?

Op you didn't say how much he earns

Wow, but that's so depressing. Not much of a life. 😞

It's exhausting OP but I advise you don't make yourself financially vulnerable by working less. I went back to work full time when my twins were 8 months old. They're now 13, I'm single now (all the hallelujah's genuinely) and have survived. You just need to do all the chores at weekends. As one other lovely poster said, just be prepared to be tired a lot.

Could you find a cleaner who is flexible? The first cleaner I had used to tidy, clean and peel vegetables all ready for me to switch on. She would also hang out washing or pick it in if she thought it might rain and iron dh's shirts. I loved her so much.

This is going to sound harsh but everything is a choice, there's always somewhere cheaper to live, other jobs available etc. You and your OH just need to decide on what your priorities are, if getting to enjoy your children and getting off the grindstone is what you want, you'll have to go and get it. People do it all the time and yes, it's scary but you have to go for what you want in life.

@izimbra

do you genuinely think that everyone can do anything if they just try hard enough?

No of course not. And as you say everyone is different.

But excluding people with disabilities or illness or who have caring responsibilities everyone can work in some form if they can find the right job.

No one suggests that there are men (excluding those who are ill or otherwise limited) who cannot work because they have children.

I agree with this. Everyone is different but there seems to be a general consensus on here that having two parents working automatically means you need to have family support and if you don't you're going to be knackered for 15 years or mentally unwell and it's impossible.

Yes it's hard and yes of course people struggle but the answer to it isn't for women to remove themselves from the workplace. There's countless threads on here from SAHMs who are stressed out their boxes with no help from their husbands. There thousands of families who have both working parents with little family support who manage it to make it work without being mentally unwell. I'm not that dismissing those who do, but it's disingenuous to say that it can't be done without two involved parents.

It’s really hard work and I think that first year back after your second is definitely hard, you don’t want to leave them to cry incase they wake the other, you’re shattered and they end up in bed with you and then you worry about getting up before they do incase they wake too.

It gets a little easier once they stop napping, they aren’t as crabby when you get home. I work 3 days a week also and where people may think I have 2 days off, I’m more busy than on the days I’m working, expect the morning routine isn’t as brutal.

I would say order your big shop for delivery and definitely get their things out the night before, I have a little basket I pop everything in, my stuff too, coats, bags, shoes are all there because it’s just too hard trying to do this in the mornings. Clean what you can, when you can, a deep clean just isn’t always possible. Load your washer the night before and set a timer on it in the morning so it’s done for when you arrive home and just eat whatever is quickest and easiest.

when I returned to work, the weather was easy to predict so I for some time I used a drawer and sorted outfits for the little one for Monday to Friday, nappy included so I could grab it quick.