Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

To answer your original question no you’re not being harsh. She spoke about you in a way that conveys the utmost contempt and disdain for you (made particularly acute as this isn’t her usual vernacular and she’s not a welder on the docks [insert stereotyped rough sweary job here]).

what I would do though is try and move on so that you don’t waste any more headspace on it but don’t move on in a way that means you treat her with any more politeness than a stranger you meet in a shop. Perfectly civil but you owe her nothing.

I might be inclined to let your db know that the relationship has been irreparably damaged just so they’re clear what she’s missing out on - it’s not that you’ve stopped being a nice and kind person dropping off baking etc, it’s just that you don’t do it for people who’ve let their true colours shine.

She felt terrible she was caught @Gripeseed
no chance would I be nice to her she has shown you who she is .
Best stay clear !

She’s a nasty piece of work. I wouldn’t bother making much effort to be pleasant at social events in future. Speak to other people and minimise interaction with her. She doesn’t deserve your attention.

I don't think you are being harsh at all. She didn't even have the decency to apologise to you. You are civil to her. That's enough imo.

Well that’s what she may have got to the bottom of if they had a discussion.

OP said at the time she didn’t want a discussion and just wanted to move on.

I think she may want to revisit that decision.

Surely this is why we have the phrase once bittern twice shy.

You suddenly knew she didn't like you and had no problem being rude about you behind your back to your own brother - seems perfectly sensible to make less effort going forward.

She wants to be stand offish at meet ups - it her and your brother's problem if she feels less welcome and included.

Some people can be very two faced - frankly older I get less I care to understand that behavior or try and understand it. She got caught being a bitch about you - the consequence she feels socially embarrassed and you make less effort the results is a more distant relationship - (that she's apparently making no effort to change so really isn't that bothered about it)

But there must have been a wider context

Did SiL object to her husband giving up his time?
Was it a frequent occurrence?

Not excusing her, just wondering as to why the nastiness

I know where you are coming from. My BIL once viciously said to me "why don't you fuck off you stupid cunt". I was taking him a crate of lager at neighbour's boat party and telling him dinner could be reheated any time he was ready so not to rush. We were all military so swearing doesn't affect me. But it was the sheer venom that broke my heart. We had been SO close. He destroyed everything in that one sentence. Everything. This was 8 years ago and I've only ever been civil with him on the very rare occasions we are now in the same room. Beforehand we all used to go away for weekends, nights out etc. He had his own key to our house and would treat it like his own. It was alcohol with him though. He has subsequently lost an excellent job because of his behaviour when drunk. I was so saddened by this outburst I don't think I'll ever forgive him. Not that he's tried. According to DH he doesn't know what to say.

NC for this. My SIL, who I thought I had a not-close-but-friendly-enough relationship with, was a regular poster on MN. I had worked out who she was but not said anything and certainly wasn't stalking her.

One day I came across a thread about babies born at 36 weeks, and saw someone complaining about her SIL whose baby was born at 36 weeks who was "always going on about her baby being premature" and how ridiculous it was. I clocked who the poster was and realised it was SIL, and that was talking about me. I was honestly shocked at the hostility in her tone. I really don't remember "going on" about my baby being born early - though who knows, maybe I did when he needed extra care in hospital after birth and I was a stressed new mum? - but I never forgot her comment and the sneering, dismissive tone.

Civil and polite all the way following that. Just like you. No coming back sadly.

That was your mistake

I’d want to know the context in which I was called a cunt, what is done of if it’s some kind of nickname.
I’d take it one step further and sign Christmas and birthday cards “much love, from the cunt x “

I couldn’t let it slide, I’d need to talk about it, I’d need to know why.

Read the OP 's posts. She's answered this

Why would you want to be friendly to someone who thinks you’re a cunt?

I think being distant with her is more than she deserves - I’d have given her a piece of my mind!

I agree. I had a SIL like this.
DH didn't pull her up on it. I later discovered that is because he thought it was 'quite funny'. It isn't ok.
I guess you could raise it with your brother (ask him why she said that?) His response might be revealing too.

Horrible

But there must have been context

What was the rest of the sentence?

Oh that is awkward! I think you might have made an error not discussing it at the time and gotten an explanation.

Maybe she was stressed and wanted her DH home. Maybe she is sick of him giving people lifts. She might use that turn of phrase whenever she is annoyed. No idea.

At this stage, you probably need to just draw a line under it and forget. Easy to give this advice but very difficult to do, I know!

Are they Scottish at all? I only ask as a couple of people I know from a certain area of Scotland would just use the word as a normal word in a sentence about someone, no malice intended.

Me too.

What a vulgar woman.

Honestly I would have forgotten about it by the next day. I can't believe you're still hung up on it a whole two years later. You must either have a photographic memory or not much going on in your life.

And distancing yourself from her is no skin off her nose, she doesn't like you.

You really need to move on from it because it's not healthy for it to still be living rent-free in your mind. It's really not a big deal.

Why didn’t your db immediately tackle her on this? I’d be gobsmacked if my sil said that about me and I’d never want to see her again. It’s an outrageous term to use about you when she apparently doesn’t even normally swear.

She said she felt terrible so I would take that as an indication that she cares.

No. She 'felt terrible' because she'd been caught.

Too many people use the cupid stunt bit without thinking.