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Original poster

Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

291 replies

Gripeseed · 02/10/2024 15:41

Sister in law was once on the bluetooth speaker in my brother’s car. She didn’t realise I was in the car when my brother picked up her call. Out of nowhere she randomly refers to me using a swear word. I was absolutely shocked! My brother hung up immediately and tried to style it - “oh she’s misheard what I said”.

But to be honest I have never felt the same towards her after that incident. We had always been perfectly nice to each other when we met up. I am polite to a fault and she has good manners also (in public). In fact I had always gone out of my way to be nice - e.g. home cooked meals when I was heavily pregnant, dropping off baked goods when I made too much etc.

After I heard this a couple of years ago I kind of just detached emotionally. Still perfectly civil.

Am I being harsh? Would you have got over it?

I never got an apology and we never addressed it.

OP posts:
Stillnormal · 02/10/2024 17:39

Gripeseed · 02/10/2024 15:53

So brother did tell SIL that I had heard the comment. And brother said she felt terrible. But I said let’s draw a line under the whole thing. I didn’t want to discuss it/get an apology.

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It sounds like maybe you do need to discuss it after all? Could you just ask her about it?

Springsnowflakes · 02/10/2024 17:37

It doesn’t sound like you were very close before anyway. So just keep it civil as you were

Eddielizzard · 02/10/2024 17:35

I've had dealings with that type of person, who you never get past an initial meeting with, it's always back to square one. Thankfully mine was a friend of an ex so I didn't have to keep seeing her. So weird. One day I'd think we really connected, but the next time it was back to square one. I don't think people like that change. I wonder what your DB sees in her?

BobbyBiscuits · 02/10/2024 17:34

My mum looked at a picture of me aged three today and said I looked 'butch'.
I explained that was a sexist insult and homophobic against lesbians (I'm straight btw) but she pretended she thought it was a normal thing to say!

Whatineed · 02/10/2024 17:34

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Absolutely uncalled for personal attack.

AgathaMystery · 02/10/2024 17:32

Gripeseed · 02/10/2024 16:06

so I have a sister who I obviously told. And that’s what we picked up on - the fact that I accidentally caught a candid moment between brother and sister in law. It’s clear sil is comfortable talking about me in such terms. And clearly my brother puts up with it. Which is very weird because brother and I are emotionally close

Edited
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I don’t think you and your brother are ‘emotionally close’. Because no one who cares about you would allow someone to speak about you like that. So I guess this is how they speak about you in private, or even to others.

I’m so sorry OP. It’s absolutely horrible.

Octoberdreaming · 02/10/2024 17:31

No YANBU. She sounds two faced and I’d be avoiding at all costs especially with that particular word. See it as a blessing in disguise that you overheard.

Original poster
Gripeseed · 02/10/2024 17:29

Btw I’m not still stewing. I don’t think about the comment daily.

I was at my parents house this weekend and so were brother and sil. I was struck by how perfectly polite we being to another but it was very superficial, almost formal. Odd for family.

And it just got me thinking that this can all really be traced back to the overhead comment.

Just got me thinking

OP posts:
Tellysavelas · 02/10/2024 17:29

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I doubt anyone goes out of their way for you or bakes you anything.

Awfeck · 02/10/2024 17:29

The way I see these sort of things (criticisms) is either they have a point, therefore it's a fair comment, or they are totally wrong. That means it's a 'them' problem, not you.
Shrug it off. Let it go.

Icanttakethisanymore · 02/10/2024 17:28

Apotofgold · 02/10/2024 16:08

But I said let’s draw a line under the whole thing. I didn’t want to discuss it/get an apology.

I think this was unfortunately the wrong thing to do. You may have felt you were being the bigger person but it’s basically just left things unresolved and you haven’t been able to put it behind you. Maybe discussing it wouldn’t have solved the issue either since she can’t exactly take it back or erase it from your memory but it would’ve been something.

If nothing else, you’d have been able to get it off your chest how rude/offensive etc you found it which may have made drawing a line under it easier.

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I agree. I think it's clear that DSIL didn't / doesn't like the OP for some reason and the opportunity to find out what the issue was has now gone and it's difficult to raise it now.

Tellysavelas · 02/10/2024 17:28

Gripeseed · 02/10/2024 15:59

I was at my parents’ house this weekend. And db and sil were there. I just came away sort of musing on how perfectly pleasant but distant and formal my relationship with sil is. And I consider the turning point to be that comment. After which I just totally stopped making an effort beyond being polite and cordial.

I’m glad you stopped making the effort with her. Sounds like she never apologised to
you.

How have SIL And DB reacted to you detaching yourself?

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 02/10/2024 17:27

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SIL has entered the building. 🙄

SnowmansHat · 02/10/2024 17:27

Haven’t been called it directly but first proper
boyfriend, met his parents round theirs for a cuppa, all very lovely to my face. Even picked his mum and dad up from the pub/train station/wherever a few times as boyfriend couldn’t , gave them lovely Christmas present. I was only 22 and 300 miles from home at uni at the time.

Anyway, boyfriend gets a text from his cousin that comes up in the car for me to read (by accident). “Your mum says you’re with a right porker” and loads of laughing faces. Cousin wasn’t great, but obviously his mum had spoken about me. I was a size 14 at the time and looking back I’d hardly say big but whatever. Boyfriend brushed it off as a joke but it was never the same after that. I refused to see his parents and therefore we didn’t work out.

StaunchMomma · 02/10/2024 17:27

I think you're right to hold her at arms length after that.

Polite is perfectly ample after how she's behaved.

Didimum · 02/10/2024 17:27

Sorry, but you must have had some altercation for her to call you that.

twomanyfrogsinabox · 02/10/2024 17:25

Does she often call you names to your brother? It would be him I would be most annoyed with, why would he let his wife do that? Or do they both do it behind your back?

LondonFox · 02/10/2024 17:25

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godmum56 · 02/10/2024 17:23

sorrythetruthhurts · 02/10/2024 16:54

Honestly I would have forgotten about it by the next day. I can't believe you're still hung up on it a whole two years later. You must either have a photographic memory or not much going on in your life.

And distancing yourself from her is no skin off her nose, she doesn't like you.

You really need to move on from it because it's not healthy for it to still be living rent-free in your mind. It's really not a big deal.

Edited

This kind of. I mean it would have been a big deal to me and I wouldn't have forgotten it by next day but my reaction would have been to discard her and move on. I think that the problem for me is that you refused to discuss it or receive an apology...I mean your choice and I don't usually bang on about closure but now the thing is just hanging there in your brain. I do think and I mean this politely "is Why would she do that? I am a nice person, I have been nice to her" is not a healthy place to be because the comment was not about what you are like, it was about what she is like

I don't think your reaction is strange or wrong. Would I forgive it? That depends what you mean by forgive. Would I forget it? nope. And yes it would always colour my thoughts and feelings about her.

Aimtodobetter · 02/10/2024 17:21

I would assume from what you say that she is the sort of person who uses that word quite frequently in private no matter how “polite” she is in public otherwise your brother wouldn’t have minimised and would be shocked. Doubt it is particularly about you, more that she’s the sort of person who behind closed doors sees lots of people that way for no real reason than they’ve mildly inconvenienced her. I’d take that as a sign of who she really is - not how she feels about you specifically - and that would be enough for me to do what you are doing which is be polite and superficially friendly but not seek to go much further. She doesn’t sound great.

IVbumble · 02/10/2024 17:18

TomatoSandwiches · 02/10/2024 16:03

I'd be signing every birthday and Christmas card to brother and bitch love from cunt.

Also.... do this. ^

IVbumble · 02/10/2024 17:17

Look at it as though she has done you a favour because now you no longer have to people please with her.

There is no need to bend over backwards to help her with anything.

Maybe having a simple superficial relationship is a win for you.

GingerPirate · 02/10/2024 17:14

You know, I probably wouldn't.

MushMonster · 02/10/2024 17:13

Gripeseed · 02/10/2024 15:45

Cunt. Out of nowhere! It was shocking and upsetting. I am a good person.

The only reason I’m bringing it up cause I just realised perhaps I am being weird in never getting over it. Ie it dawned on me that we have a very distant relationship now because of one incident. I don’t know, it just hit methat others may not have pulled back to the extent I did

Edited

I do not think you exaggerated your reaction.
I would not want anyone close to me that goes around referring to others as cunt and without any major issue, like a massive fight or a massive horrible behaviour from you.
I would not think ever ever the same of my brother either..... So what now? They refer to me as The Cunt on their daily convos? For no reason? And he never stopped her from saying that or apologised to you, or she did? But you do say he told her?
There are very weird people out there OP, those who behave this way.
I will keep the civil and that is it.

Theycantallbecomspiracytheories · 02/10/2024 17:12

Eurgh, so sorry, so awful to hear that.
Ive also overhead my sil (Dh’s sister) bitching about me, not to him …I don’t think. I’m also a people pleaser and used to be so upset and hurt by it when younger. Now I don’t give a F and she knows it. I’m a good person with lovely friends and family, she’s toxic. I’m fake civil because of Dh