Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

You never know what's going on inside the head of someone who is quiet. There can be a dark and nasty mind hiding behind good manners. I found this out with my ExSIL, nasty piece of work with a good mannered veneer. I remember the first time I met her my parents asked what I thought of her and I said I had no idea who she was, all I knew is that she had good manners.

"Conversation between me and SIL (no previous issues and totally unprovoked)

SIL - what days do you work now?
AL - Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
SIL - Hang on, Tuesdays Wednesday and Thursday?
AL - Yes?
SIL - Well, you know what that makes you then!
AL- What?
SIL - Tuesday , Wednesday and Thursday - T, W, A, T - you’re a TWAT (laughing hysterically)
AL - 🤷🏻‍♀️🙃🤷🏻‍♀️.

Things have been somewhat cool since ……

YANBU."

Eh? That's just a joke. People who only work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday in certain workplaces are known as TWaTs

Maybe instead of being polite you just ignore her

Maybe not be around her ever again

I must admit I have cut off people for less, including family.

Still turning up when she is going to be somewhere and being distant and polite is just letting her off the hook.

Until your brother experiences the consequences then as far as he is concerned everything is ok

Conversation between me and SIL (no previous issues and totally unprovoked)

SIL - what days do you work now?
AL - Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
SIL - Hang on, Tuesdays Wednesday and Thursday?
AL - Yes?
SIL - Well, you know what that makes you then!
AL- What?
SIL - Tuesday , Wednesday and Thursday - T, W, A, T - you’re a TWAT (laughing hysterically)
AL - 🤷🏻‍♀️🙃🤷🏻‍♀️.

Things have been somewhat cool since ……

YANBU.

"Maybe your DH should do the decent thing and distance himself from his brother. Acting like he’s close to someone but saying insulting names behind their back is complete arsehole behaviour."

Where did I say that he hasn't distanced himself? We haven't "acted close" either and have spoken to the pair of them every time about their attitude and behaviour. I don't say much any more because it goes in one ear and out of the other with his brother.

The problem with fully distancing would be that he'd then be alone and at the mercy of his horror of an abusive scumbag husband. We can't do that to him and hopefully one day he'll leave. But yes, I will say was that knobhead on the phone? etc because he is one.

The names for his DH are a bit stronger I'll admit.

I dunno. You get enough others on here moa ing about racist comments affecting them for years

Given that your own brother must talk about you in these terms, I'd never talk to him again either.
I am a sweary fucker and even I dont use cunt very often. It's a special occasion swear word.

Like a pp, call me a silly cow, sure, evil bint, yup, arsehole, cannot deny that, bitch even, well yeah some days I am.
But cunt, that's over the line.
And if I thought my own family called me cunt regularly I'd disown them. Well I would ask about it first then if no sensible answer, then disown them.

This really made me laugh. At least it's honest, and I think I'd rather be addressed as 'cunt' than 'MrsHisname'. But I digress.

OP, given the context you describe this obviously wasn't a momentary slip but is habitual. It shows what she really thinks of you. In which case, you've handled it fine. No scenes or histrionics, merely a stepping back whilst still remaining civil for understandable reasons of self-preservation. You know why you've distanced yourself and so does she. Unfortunately this is one of those scales falling from the eyes moments in which, once you've seen a situation for what it really is, you can't unsee it again.

It's my brother I'd be distressed about. I think I'd have to ask him, quietly and calmly when we were on our own, whether he agrees with her opinion of me.

Well, the overheard comment was a window into who she is and what she thinks of you, wasn't it? It's not about 'getting over it' but realising she's a person you should be wary of. You're now distant for a very good reason. Keep it up.

If that is the context in which she it said then no, I'd never get over that unless she was apologetic and explained why she said said it.

That is vile.

you must have walked on her toes or her mother's toes for whatever reason

I too think the word is awful. I’ve used it a couple of times but it’s reserved for the absolute worst behaviour and awful person.

I dunno. At this point you should make peace with the situation. Does it actually cause you any negative emotions by distancing yourself and remaining polite when you see them?

Either you’re happy with your decision to “leave it” at the time, and don’t want to discuss it again. Or you’re not, and maybe you do want to discuss it with them, if you want to be close to them again.

personally I think she and your brother sound horrible, your brother should have defended you and his reaction at the time was telling. He probably used to bitch about you to her. Hence why she’s got that opinion of you and is comfortable calling you a cunt to him. So you’re probably in a better position keeping your distance from them both.

Your SIL is a two faced bitch. There is nothing more I hate than someone with more faces than Big Ben. She openly refers to you as a c*nt and your DB does nothing to stop the massive disrespect.

I too barely speak to my SIL over comments. I used to be a people pleaser and I didn’t say anything at the time, except to my PIL. From then on I was polite, but that was it. Now that I’m older I wish I’d gone nuclear, but I didn’t. However, as my DC have got older I now no longer feel the need to play happy families so I don’t bother with her. I very rarely see her.

What happened was I was at a family gathering and in the toilet and 2 of her friends came in and one said “which one is xxxx’s SIL (me). Xxxx said she’s got MH issues and is whacked up on meds”.

They were talking about me. I’d been having tests for a very serious illness, which would’ve seen my life expectancy drop drastically. I was a young woman, just married, and I was distressed. The GP gave me something to calm my nerves. It all turned out ok.

I mentioned it to PIL and was gaslit over it.

I’ve never forgiven this comment, and I never will. In fact, to this day I think my SIL slags me off to anyone who’ll listen.

She has the audacity to say to my DH that she doesn’t know what my problem is, why I don’t like her. This is just one incident of many of her crap behaviour over the years. One day I may tell her what I think of her, but TBH I’m happy with the way things are. I don’t want to know her. I probably see her once a year. I treat her with the indifference she did with me.

I wouldn't care if someone apologised, as it would be irrelevant as I would never forget it anyway. I might say 'oh, not X again' if you called and I was tired, but the word 'cunt' wouldn't be in my vocab. I don't call anyone a cunt behind their backs and I don't expect people to do so about me. Wouldn't bother repairing that bridge.

OP ....OUCH! Nasty! I would def de very upset, very. My way would be to confront it, it wont be resolved otherwise.

YANBU.

I wouldn't forget either and it would be a permanent change to the relationship. Civil and polite but that's it. And I probably would have asked my brother if he were OK with it, just to make him squirm. It would change my feelings about him, too.

I’d have gone NC for that comment.

You reacted as I would have but that would completely change how I really felt about someone. Actually, it would alter my opinion on anyone who used that word let alone about me. I’m sorry, OP that is sad and must’ve hurt. What a shame that happened.

By the sounds of it, you've done something to upset her or worse ... your darling brother has been mouthing about you and made you look a right cunt!

Seeing as it's still there in your thoughts after seeing them .. why don't you ask her what you have done to upset her? Clear the air sort of thing? or at least get answers

I don't think you're being unreasonable feeling miffed she called you a cunt, it's not a nice thing to hear. But I think you need to be more mad at your brother. He knows how she feels about you if she says it so easily.

Also where I'm from cunt is used for loads of stuff not just insults.
I've used it when I cant remember someone's name lol

Has your brother noticed you've pulled back?
has anything been done to make it up to you in other ways? Have they both tried to make more an effort?

I really don't know why you didn't tackle it head on with her straight away. No way would I have allowed thus without standing up for myself.

It has also reminded of a person I knew like this…she was the gf ( now wife ) of a friend.

our mutual friends picked up on it too. So odd! I wonder how people like that manage to have friends.

is it poor social skills?

In this situation it would be my brother I'd speak to. He'll probably try and minimise or deny it, or even pretend he doesn't remember. But he definitely will remember.

"Why couldn't that cunt do it on her own"

Is slightly different (not saying better!) than

"Why can't your sister do it without you. She's a lazy cunt"

And the time to have addressed it would have been then and there. Even a text of "what have a I done that makes you think I'm a cunt"

Not saying you should forget and/or forgive.

But in the context you've given I'd have wanted to know why cunt was used in that context.

I think though it's gone too far now and quite frankly SIL has to understand her words and actions have consequences .