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Original poster

Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

291 replies

Gripeseed · 02/10/2024 15:41

Sister in law was once on the bluetooth speaker in my brother’s car. She didn’t realise I was in the car when my brother picked up her call. Out of nowhere she randomly refers to me using a swear word. I was absolutely shocked! My brother hung up immediately and tried to style it - “oh she’s misheard what I said”.

But to be honest I have never felt the same towards her after that incident. We had always been perfectly nice to each other when we met up. I am polite to a fault and she has good manners also (in public). In fact I had always gone out of my way to be nice - e.g. home cooked meals when I was heavily pregnant, dropping off baked goods when I made too much etc.

After I heard this a couple of years ago I kind of just detached emotionally. Still perfectly civil.

Am I being harsh? Would you have got over it?

I never got an apology and we never addressed it.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 02/10/2024 20:14

Gripeseed · 02/10/2024 15:53

So brother did tell SIL that I had heard the comment. And brother said she felt terrible. But I said let’s draw a line under the whole thing. I didn’t want to discuss it/get an apology.

Show quote history

So terrible obviously she's approached you and apologised eh 🙄

PennyApril54 · 02/10/2024 20:09

Just to add I think that word is disgusting and she was out of order but I am aware some people use these words generally as a habit.

JaninaDuszejko · 02/10/2024 20:08

TWaT is obviously not an HR term, it's just a stupid joke about working Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. If you have Monday and Tuesday off it's WTF.

As far as using cunt goes I think it depends how offensive you find it, there's definitely regional variations. I don't find it as offensive as some people on here clearly do. I can understand it would be upsetting to hear if you thought were close but if you always thought there was a distance you can't be that surprised that she doesn't like you.

PennyApril54 · 02/10/2024 20:07

Hi OP. I think maybe because at the time you brushed over it that hasn't helped although SIL should have brought it up anyway. It might be worth just saying that you've remembered it recently, it's been on your mind and rather than leaving it as the elephant in the room you want to clear the air. Maybe say to your brother first and then next time you see SIL just say something along the lines of you remembered it, it's sort of bothered you on and off and you want to clear the air, you're assuming she never really meant anything by it because you've always got along well. She'll probably be horrified and say it was just a silly passing comment with no meaning and didn't mean to hurt you. Then you can put it behind you for good and move on to hopefully enjoy a nice SIL relationship having stood up for yourself .

Brefugee · 02/10/2024 20:05

Illegally18 · 02/10/2024 18:18

I never get the MN pearl clutching over ‘cunt’, it’s a jolly good swear word. One that we bandy around at work daily.

Maybe in your work, but not in mine.

i used to be in the army - it wasn't in daily use there.

annieloulou · 02/10/2024 20:02

ItWasOnAStarryNight · 02/10/2024 19:56

"I thought she was out of order. So there!"

Oh god 🤣 so childish, she was bound to slip up eventually if that's what you're like.

It's just a joke, lighten up a bit

What a load of people who work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday there are on this thread 😂😂😂😂

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 02/10/2024 20:00

I hope you will find that the memory fades eventually, OP, but I don't see how you can feel trusting or affectionate towards somebody who spoke about you like this, especially to your own husband. It is quite shocking. But more to do with her than you, no doubt.

Jammedchakra · 02/10/2024 19:59

annieloulou · 02/10/2024 19:52

Well, I stand by my opinion that it’s a horrible term to use about people and that even if it’s commonly said ( although nowhere I’ve ever worked) I thought she was out of order. So there!

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I’m not sure she’d love you either way. Unclench a little

Kitjo · 02/10/2024 19:57

TomatoSandwiches · 02/10/2024 16:03

I'd be signing every birthday and Christmas card to brother and bitch love from cunt.

Brilliant 🤣

ItWasOnAStarryNight · 02/10/2024 19:56

"I thought she was out of order. So there!"

Oh god 🤣 so childish, she was bound to slip up eventually if that's what you're like.

It's just a joke, lighten up a bit

annieloulou · 02/10/2024 19:52

saraclara · 02/10/2024 19:47

I'm not even in the workplace any more, but I hear it often. I live in outer commuterland, and it's used by everyone from my friend's husband who's a train driver on the line into London, and locals, when talking about parking space in our town. It's well known that the best time to park near our local station is on Monday or Friday because the TWaTs are at home.

I've never used that word myself as I'm not very sweary. But it's almost certain that that was the context in which your SIL used it. It's highly unlikely to have been personal.

Edited
Show quote history

Well, I stand by my opinion that it’s a horrible term to use about people and that even if it’s commonly said ( although nowhere I’ve ever worked) I thought she was out of order. So there!

saraclara · 02/10/2024 19:47

annieloulou · 02/10/2024 19:20

I didn’t find it funny.

And I’ve never heard of that in a workplace and have been working for over 30 years.

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I'm not even in the workplace any more, but I hear it often. I live in outer commuterland, and it's used by everyone from my friend's husband who's a train driver on the line into London, and locals, when talking about parking space in our town. It's well known that the best time to park near our local station is on Monday or Friday because the TWaTs are at home.

I've never used that word myself as I'm not very sweary. But it's almost certain that that was the context in which your SIL used it. It's highly unlikely to have been personal.

annieloulou · 02/10/2024 19:46

FiveTreeHill · 02/10/2024 19:38

It's a misplaced joke, not quite the same as overhearing someone call you a cunt

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I didn’t say it was the same as the OPs situation.
Just an example of an unprovoked name call by a SIL.
Still don’t think it’s funny 🤷🏻‍♀️

Childfreecatlady · 02/10/2024 19:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Where do you live? Bc it can't be the UK.

annieloulou · 02/10/2024 19:43

ItWasOnAStarryNight · 02/10/2024 19:24

"I didn’t find it funny.

And I’ve never heard of that in a workplace and have been working for over 30 years."

She wasn't calling you a twat as in "God, you're such a twat". She was saying "haha, that working pattern puts you in the TWaT category". Funny or not it was a joke.

I've been working more than 30 years and have heard it in 2 workplaces. Not sure how long you've worked is relevant but why you'd go frosty with her over that I've no idea 🤷🏽‍♀️

Never heard of a TWaT category in the workplace - is it a HR term?
What are the 2 workplaces you’ve heard it used in?
Worked mainly in offices and Education and have never heard of part time staff referred to like this!

If I didn’t find it funny, then I didn’t find it funny but I’m not in the habit of calling relatives names.

FiveTreeHill · 02/10/2024 19:38

annieloulou · 02/10/2024 19:20

I didn’t find it funny.

And I’ve never heard of that in a workplace and have been working for over 30 years.

Show quote history

It's a misplaced joke, not quite the same as overhearing someone call you a cunt

thepariscrimefiles · 02/10/2024 19:35

JaninaDuszejko · 02/10/2024 18:07

You overheard her having what she thought was a private conversation with her DH. You are now criticing her on a public forum, how would you feel if she read this and recognised the story? We ALL say and do things that we wouldn't want to be fully public and life would be better if we were kinder to people when we catch them out for their indiscretions because next time the shoe might be on the other foot.

For all you know (since your brother immediately hung up) it might not have you she was pissed off with but your DB for not letting her know that he'd made a commitment to you and so couldn't do what she needed. This could have been dealt with straight away if instead of hanging up your DB had said 'I'm in the car with Gripeseed' as soon as she'd called you a cunt. She'd have been embarassed, would have apologised and it all would have blown over. TBH if she's always been cool with you even before the incident then she has clearly never gelled with you and therefore it's not that surprising that she finds you annoying. That's not a crime, you don't have to get on with your ILs (lots of people don't, e.g. while I love my MIL, I find my BIL insufferable and I'm sure he doesn't think much of me either). Carry on being polite and don't think about it anymore.

You seem to be saying that SIL having what she thought was a private conversation with her DH where she refers to his sister as a cunt in quite a horrible way is more acceptable than OP posting on an anonymous forum.

To be honest, I would find it quite hard to be polite to SIL after hearing that.

LivelyMintViper · 02/10/2024 19:32

Maybe ask your brother why she feels so hostile towards you
Not suggesting you need to do anything about it but I would want to know just simply for closure

Rosscameasdoody · 02/10/2024 19:32

ScribblingPixie · 02/10/2024 18:58

Well, the overheard comment was a window into who she is and what she thinks of you, wasn't it? It's not about 'getting over it' but realising she's a person you should be wary of. You're now distant for a very good reason. Keep it up.

Yep, this.

Maria1979 · 02/10/2024 19:32

annieloulou · 02/10/2024 19:20

I didn’t find it funny.

And I’ve never heard of that in a workplace and have been working for over 30 years.

Show quote history

Not funny but I wouldn't mind really. It was meant to be funny and said directly to you and if you have a good relationship otherwise I would not think more about it.

Maria1979 · 02/10/2024 19:29

Disturbia81 · 02/10/2024 17:50

No it marrs it forever. EVERYONE says things about other people in private, even about the closest people, but these things aren't meant to be heard.
But once you hear it you can't unhear it. I've become so careful about what I say now

Not true! I've never called anyone a swearword since I was 16. I can say that I find someone dislikeable/cold/a bore whatever but I wouldn't use swearwords about people, especially not family or extended family. And noone in my family would either.

ItWasOnAStarryNight · 02/10/2024 19:24

"I didn’t find it funny.

And I’ve never heard of that in a workplace and have been working for over 30 years."

She wasn't calling you a twat as in "God, you're such a twat". She was saying "haha, that working pattern puts you in the TWaT category". Funny or not it was a joke.

I've been working more than 30 years and have heard it in 2 workplaces. Not sure how long you've worked is relevant but why you'd go frosty with her over that I've no idea 🤷🏽‍♀️

annieloulou · 02/10/2024 19:20

ItWasOnAStarryNight · 02/10/2024 19:12

"Conversation between me and SIL (no previous issues and totally unprovoked)

SIL - what days do you work now?
AL - Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
SIL - Hang on, Tuesdays Wednesday and Thursday?
AL - Yes?
SIL - Well, you know what that makes you then!
AL- What?
SIL - Tuesday , Wednesday and Thursday - T, W, A, T - you’re a TWAT (laughing hysterically)
AL - 🤷🏻‍♀️🙃🤷🏻‍♀️.

Things have been somewhat cool since ……

YANBU."

Eh? That's just a joke. People who only work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday in certain workplaces are known as TWaTs

I didn’t find it funny.

And I’ve never heard of that in a workplace and have been working for over 30 years.

tachetastic · 02/10/2024 19:18

Gripeseed · 02/10/2024 15:41

Sister in law was once on the bluetooth speaker in my brother’s car. She didn’t realise I was in the car when my brother picked up her call. Out of nowhere she randomly refers to me using a swear word. I was absolutely shocked! My brother hung up immediately and tried to style it - “oh she’s misheard what I said”.

But to be honest I have never felt the same towards her after that incident. We had always been perfectly nice to each other when we met up. I am polite to a fault and she has good manners also (in public). In fact I had always gone out of my way to be nice - e.g. home cooked meals when I was heavily pregnant, dropping off baked goods when I made too much etc.

After I heard this a couple of years ago I kind of just detached emotionally. Still perfectly civil.

Am I being harsh? Would you have got over it?

I never got an apology and we never addressed it.

Would you feel foolish mentioning it and causing a fuss after all these years? If so, then you should probably just get over it. If not, mention it, cause a bit of a fuss, and then move on.

Personally I would have probably mentioned it to her very soon after the event, but then got over it. Maybe would have jokingly used the same word about her just the once.

babyzoomer · 02/10/2024 19:16

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them" .
She hates you or, best case scenario, massively resents you. You did the right thing. Take a big step back and keep things purely civil.