Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

tbf, it is unlikely the OP is the most objective person on that particular question!

Just for a counterpoint, OP, while I agree about why this shocked you and permanently altered your feelings to her (I'd hate it. Its the vitriol), calling someone a cunt doesn't necessarily mean you despise them utterly. I use it in much the same way I use dick I.e. sometimes a minor expression of frustration about someone, sometimes a more serious verdict on their character. E.g. I might say 'why is so and so being such a cunt about this!'
I would be careful to use it about someone where it might get back to them though because I know it has more impact than other names.

I agree with this.

there doesn’t appear to be any back story or bad blood between you. You’ve been oblivious until
now, which makes it sounds like she harbours an intense grudge about you for no other reason than you’re in your brother’s life.

sounds like she’s a nasty abusive person who is projecting onto you.

Well, in that case your Dad deserved it. What was the sister-in-law's reason?

@CantBelieveNaive I totally agree with you but was wondering if perhaps this approach might help to find out what has caused her to say what she did.

Do you wish you were closer?

Do you think she is quiet as a mouse with your family because she’s never felt comfortable around you? (Not blaming you)

Have you seen her around her own friends and parents etc

She sounds like she's got many issues and she and your brother don't have a very nice relationship. Even if you were the worst person, to speak like that about you to each other so casually suggests they're immature and not very happy people. It seems like however your brother feels about you, she's encouraging him to dislike you for some reason.

She didn’t. She said it to her husband, the OP’s brother.

Horrible for you to hear that word used about you OP, it’s the one word I could not forgive. I know many would say it’s only a word, but it’s not, it’s the lowest of the low and an absolute insult.
I can never understand how often it’s used on here, it’s vile and says a lot about the user.

Not really.

@JaninaDuszejko

"You are now criticing her on a public forum, how would you feel if she read this and recognised the story? "

I can't imagine OP would care. Why should she?

You think if the SIL read this she's going to burst into tears?

And the OP should care?

The SIL said a vile thing. OP has been quite factual about it. Why are you trying to imply OP should feel some kind of guilt about talking about it?

Basically: if you don't want people to know you call your SIL a cunt behind her back, don't call your SIL a cunt behind her back.

What was your bro supposed to be doing that day (e.g. spending time with Sil or kids?) What was the job he was taking you to b&q to help with. Maybe some context would be useful.

Why did she feel comfortable to call you that in front of your husband?

....but that's a joke?

That's really different to overhearing someone calling you a cunt.

If you've been "cool" towards your SIL for that I'd say you've massively overreacted over a silly joke.

I wouldn't think her brother speaks about her like that, rather that her so-called timid SIL is a woman who feels free to be disrespectful about his family and her brother either isn't strong enough to stand up to her or doesn't dare stand up to her because she holds something - the threat of not seeing children? - over his head if he doesn't.

It’s horrible to hear yourself be spoken about like that, and completely understandable that you’d be guarded ever since. But have you considered that it was more of a dig at your brother than at you? Like maybe she didn’t want him going out at that time or they had plans or something. I’ve found that when I’m peed off with DH I am much harsher about his family. And I’ve definitely dropped the c bomb about his mother.
I’d just raise it with her For your own sanity if it actually still bothers you. I hate things stewing like that.

It just hit me that maybe I’m the odd one for having totally written off an important relationship because of one (small?) incident.

It’s not a small thing. I pretty much swear like a sailor, but even I put the brakes on for ‘cunt’, which tends to get rolled out very sparingly and only ever in relation to someone I think wholly deserves the worst kind of vitriol.

If your polite, quiet SIL thinks nothing of throwing that one out apropos of not very much at all, and your brother didn’t immediately kick off in your defence, I’d be questioning how they speak about you in private.

It’s horrible, OP, and I’m sorry you heard it at all, but your reaction and distancing of that relationship is perfectly understandable. It’s not something anyone would easily forgive and forget.

Such disgusting language is not something that anyone I know has ever used. I think a lot of people live their lives with out using it.
She sounds particularly rough behind closed doors.
You clearly previously only saw her front.

That your brother and his wife are comfortable referring to you in such a manner says so much about them.

I wouldn't want to spend time with them and I certainly wouldn't want them in my home.
That you have managed a civil relationship is a credit to you, but is possibly down to your people pleasing tendencies.

It really is the most vulgar of language and that she uses it so casually tells me you have no idea who she is.

It would change utterly my opinion of my brother too.

I think she's one of those people who presents a front to the world but is very, very different indoors. There's an expression, "street angel, house devil" that's usually used about men who are abusive at home, that seems apt here.

How happy does your brother appear to be with her? I can't imagine he has an easy married life. She said that to him in a casual way about his own sister who hadn't done anything wrong. God knows how she talks to him when she thinks he has done something wrong.

Although I'm really sorry you heard it, on the other hand it's good that you did. I'd hate to think of you being friendly to her while she talks about you like that behind your back.

It's really shocking that she didn't apologise. I can't imagine there wasn't a discussion about that at home - the fact she hasn't really tells you a lot about her and their marriage.

I’d probably wonder what my dear brother was calling me behind closed doors to lead to that…

I had a situation several years ago where my SIL (DH’s sister) wrote an absolutely vile email about me. She had taken exception to an opinion I had expressed, clumsily, and nothing like what you’ve experienced and went full character assassination on me. We had previously been close. A huge family rift ensued lasting some months.

I did later apologise for my part in things (which really was a throwaway comment) and she accepted it but has never come close to apologising for the awful things she wrote about me. I’ve always found that hard to get past and it’s affected our relationship. I reckon the lack of resolution is your issue.

Its the SIL that is to blame, no excise for calling the OP that ❌

Was she saying it in a ironic/jokey way as in you're so lovely and kind she called you that as it's the last thing you are!??

It's such a horrible word though, it would really upset me and make me take a step back.

Sorry you heard that buy at least you saw her true colours.

Hoping its what I said at the start! 💕🤞😁

Don't think there's any going back from that. Absolutely not an overreaction on your part. You don't owe her any more than basic civility at the most, of course you're not going to feel like being cosy with her any more. She sounds like a very peculiar person.

Yes this - I would hazard a guess she is jealous of you and your brother’s relationship. She’s probably created a narrative around you and then she is projecting her feelings (of jealousy/resentment whatever it is) onto you, hence such a strong word! This is really not about you.
BUT… why do you have to be so nice? You’re clearly (and rightly so) pissed off with her and your brother about it. I think if I were you I’d:

• find a time alone with my brother (maybe out for a drink sometime, if she allows this!) and talk to him about it; tell him it really upset me that she said it and he didn’t challenge it; ask where it came from… just see how he responds, it might be interesting
• not be so bloody nice to her! Let some of your anger out a little bit. This is possibly not the most mature way to respond, but I think I’d respond in kind- not make the effort; be cool with her, a bit like how your sister is
• probably not talk to her; from how you’ve described her, I don’t think it would lead to resolution
• decide for myself what I think about me. Not take in how I am described by someone I don’t even particularly like

the above might help you to let it go a bit, I hope so