Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

If somebody called me that I'd be upset to think that I'd aggravated them so much to the point of using that name without realising what I'd done. They would be getting the polite but distant treatment from me too as I would think they needed careful handling going forward. I would forgive them but I wouldn't forget it nor give them a reason to use language like that about me again.

I don't hang around with name callers though so I'm not used to people being insulted.

If I called SIL that, DH would have left me on the side of the road.

Oh god how horrendous for you. Agree that it shows that this way of referring to you was not a one off between your brother and SIL.

I'm wondering if there is any mileage in somehow calmly bringing it up one day and asking what it is that you had said or done that made her talk about you in that way? Maybe frame it in a way that makes you sound like you are worried you had at some point upset her?

It would sit with me for years. I'd try to forgive but not sure I could. Very hard indeed.

Yes it forever changes how you feel. I moved my DH's car keys last night which caused him a slight degree of frustration. I overheard him calling me a moron to himself in the next room. Pondering if it's possible to go LC with someone you live with.

I think may way round it would be to address it head on as above, even if later. If not satisfied it wasn't personal, I would go back to minimal contact and civility

You're a better woman than I. There's no way I could maintain a cordial relationship with someone who speaks about me like that behind my back, particularly in the case that you thought you had a good relationship. Yikes!

Could it be that she or they were under stress at the time for whatever reason (maybe they'd rowed) and it was nothing personal?

I think one main issue is that you shut down discussions and they didn't insist on apologising and explaining properly.

Not saying it's fine to call you that, but you might have simply been the one to pop up at the wrong time rather than it being targeted. She said she felt terrible so I would take that as an indication that she cares. I actually don't think it's too late to ask if they remember and open the topic up for discussion. Admit that you should have talked about it at the time but it has left a residual bad taste and you'd like to put it to bed.

tbh i wouldn't have let it drag on this long. I would have said, immediately "you're on speaker you cunt."

And not bothered doing anything to make her think i'd forgotten or forgiven. Because i am a) gobby and b) petty and vindictive.

wow no that's unforgivable. not that she has asked your forgiveness either. Not sure I'd continue to be so cicvil. I guess you can kill her with ice cold kindness.

Your SIL sounds awful

It's a bit dramatic stressing about it after so long. I was called many names at school, White Honky, paleface and ghost girl to name a few. Didn't particulary affect me half hour later never mind years later

I always think that calling someone a cunt shows your absolute hatred of that person.
It's such an awful word.
The fact that she said it to your DB indicates that he knows exactly what she thinks of you and it won't have been the first time SIL has expressed her feelings about you.
At least you know now that neither of them are very nice people.
I wouldn't get over it either.

Yeah I totally understand. I’ve made the same mistake in other situations and then regretted not clearing the air properly.

It may have seemed the most easiest or “least worst” option at the time but I think it’s led to unresolved feelings.

I do think it’s worrying that not only she said that but she was comfortable to say it in front of your brother. It makes you wonder what he’s been saying to her and how he feels about you.

I don’t think you can call someone that name if you like them or have any kind of connection with them. I can only think of one person who I consider to be a cunt.

I don't think I'd want to know anyone who used that word towards other people anyway.

It would all depend on context. But I would probably feel different about the person, knowing what they thought of me.

yeah i wouldnt forgive that OP, she has let slip what she really feels about you. Cordial and polite is the way forward, you cant put the cork back in the bottle now you know how she talks about you.

ok, YADNBU. Why the hell was she talking about you like that and why the hell did she feel comfortable saying that in front of your B.

Don’t blame you for keeping your distance!

She’s not usually a swearer.

Op said : That is not her style of speaking at all. I had never even heard her swear up until then.

and she’s not usually a swearer or she is?

But I said let’s draw a line under the whole thing. I didn’t want to discuss it/get an apology.

I think this was unfortunately the wrong thing to do. You may have felt you were being the bigger person but it’s basically just left things unresolved and you haven’t been able to put it behind you. Maybe discussing it wouldn’t have solved the issue either since she can’t exactly take it back or erase it from your memory but it would’ve been something.

If nothing else, you’d have been able to get it off your chest how rude/offensive etc you found it which may have made drawing a line under it easier.

😂 Are you the SIL??!

"I meant cunt in it's friendly, jokey way..." 🤔

As another poster has said that is a word most people don't use on a day to day basis. She meant it but there was nothing friendly in her intentions.

I got to read exactly what my SIL thought of me through an email into which I was accidentally copied.

After several more incidents, both DH and I are now NC. No big drama from me, just an irreversible and absolute truncation of contact.

It speaks reams about how she feels about you. I couldn't forget that and would have said something. I would mention it to her now, even though it happened a while ago. If she felt terrible when your brother told her, there's no way she'll have forgotten it either. It's obviously still bothering you and you shouldn't have to feel that way.